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| Wed, 08-04-2010 - 8:16am |
It's day 5. It hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be. I read these posts daily, sometimes several times a day. I have realized my vulnerable times. Early evening, late morning, when I am tired, hungry, it really doesn't seem to matter the time or the situation. I have had thoughts of emailing him, I mean, who would know other than me? I have written emails, and before I could hit "send", I would erase them.
Every time I read these posts, something is triggered in me, and I go back in time. Things he said, things he did, things he didn't do. They were all red flags, but, I accepted them and continued on a destructive path.I have said in the last few days on here how there was never drama in my A. How we seemed to fit, never argued, butterflies and bluebirds encircled us when we were together. Of course that was my denial, walking around with blinders on.
It's a struggle. My last contact with him was a text from him asking if I would reconsider "us" if he filed for divorce in 6 weeks. Although the next 6 weeks will fly by with work, family, life...I realize it was one last attempt on his part to keep me hanging around. When the 6 weeks are up, will I go through this hell again? I hope not. Logic tells me you can break a habit in 3 weeks. Maybe the 6 week mark will come and go, as any other late summer day, and I won't even notice. Experience tells me that with each day that passes, the intensity of the A diminishes. Sometimes absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. I assume that with NC, he will forget I ever existed, decide he's o.k. with the life he has, and the last 7 years were fun, but, not worth blowing up his world over.
No, it doesn't matter what he thinks, or does. Bottom line, I won't contact him. Even if he did get a divorce, is this the man I want in my life? I could make a list of all the degrading things I allowed to be done to me, to be said to me, but, hammering myself over that doesn't help. Looking forward helps, and a life without lies, even if it's only been 5 days, is exhilarating.

Em! See what a new day will bring you? Last night all you posted was "miserable". This morning your post is full of insight! Getting out of an A, is NOT easy - it's probably one of the hardest things you'll ever do. But you ARE doing it, and you are making progress. Realizing your vulnerable times is huge. It makes it a little easier to do what you have to do to get yourself out of the quicksand.
<<<< Even if he did get a divorce, is this the man I want in my life?>>>
Exactly. Look at it as a gift - I do. YOU have no ties with this man. YOU don't have to divide property, get divorced - you get to just walk away.
<<<>>>
Make the list of degrading things only when your mind starts to trick you into thinking fantasy man is real. Don't hammer yourself over it, pat yourself on the back for being too smart to accept those behaviors!
Keep reading and posting. I still have my folder of posts that I carry around with me and read them daily too.
Bodhi
What? Huh? Who is this amazing EM2010 and where did she come from?!
Omgoddess ... you have come so far in 5 days! 5 days?! Can you believe it?
This is priceless:
"I have said in the last few days on here how there was never drama in my A. How we seemed to fit, never argued, butterflies and bluebirds encircled us when we were together. Of course that was my denial, walking around with blinders on."
This is pure gold! I am so amazed by the insights you have gained; although it is what NC aims to do. By providing time and space away from the fog of the affair, we can start to see things as they REALLY WERE compared to the fantasy that we were living in our minds. I remember so clearly in those early days & weeks of no contact, all those memories of the times where he had totally emotionally abandoned me, had stood me up, treated me poorly etc ... and the anger, oh the anger! I was not an AP who walked around with a lot of expectations but I did want him to reciprocate even just half of the emotional support I provided him with (what was I thinking). It is amazing how they lean and lean on us, how we enable because we come to feel so dependent and needy on them. Gosh, my xAP and I rarely fought too! As long as I met his unmet needs from his RL (as he perceived it) and learned to cope with his incapacity to do the same for me, we were smooth sailing.
I wrote a list of all the crap things he had done/not done, said/not said and it ended up being longer than I could have imagined. I kept this list in a file on my computer. I also save in there my favorite posts, articles I read, and just random diary entries on particularly good or bad days. I also have a photo of myself the day I ended it. I took it to remind myself of what the physical me looked like the day I hit bottom. I used this file to fuel me through the times when I missed 'him'. I wrote emails to him and saved them in my drafts folder. Now I look back and truly appreciate the growth. I NEVER want to go back to that pain. I was a woman on the brink on needing to be hospitalized.
You are making such strides! When we completely release the denial, it is amazing what truths are revealed.
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Edited 8/4/2010 8:38 am ET by transcendingus
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
OMG, have you ever had an AH-HA moment! You've punched through the fog and it's a big one. You're post reminded me of myself this time 9 months ago. Although you say that you realize that listing the newly acknowledged slights and grievances against you, or beating yourself over the head about it, will do any good - I just want to let you know that doing both is pretty typical at this stage and there are some predictable responses to doing so. 1) you might get newly angry at X, and at yourself for allowing yourself to be treated this way. 2) you might desire to contact X for closure, to vent, or to attempt to negate your new-found enlightenment so that you can regain your rainbows-and-lollipops distorted view of the A so that it's not so painful to face that you were, indeed, in a f'd up R. 3) the pain you feel accepting the death of your overly romanticized A will be grieved, and you might find that you have some lows, followed by highs, followed by lows (be prepared to ride out the 'growing pains' because it's not all highs when we punch through the fog.)
It's very important that you remember that there "is NO closure", as the tweeners and vets who have come before you who have tried and failed to look outside of themselves for answers can tell you. No Closure can be extremely frustrating so be prepared for that. The only Closure you will find comes from within, and from the answers to the questions you ask yourself - not JAM.
Also, anger is a great motivator, especially when it's properly channeled and self-accountability is practiced - however, don't wallow in anger; try to move as quickly as possible to the Acceptance stage, where you will find a more peaceful and productive healing path. I found myself saying, "OMFG, I fn HATE him." at times. Then, swinging back to defending him. All of this is counterproductive and it's so much more liberating to say, "ya know? It really just does not matter anymore. That is the past."
I'm not saying you're doing any of these things; I just want you to know that if you are, or do, it's normal and don't get discouraged.
When we are as honest with ourselves as we were once defensive, we face some pretty painful and raw truths. I am really elated that you have come to where you are in such a short amount of time. You are to be commended for your strength and clarity. I'm very proud of you and you should be, too.
Today is a new day!
Dee