Running Shoes

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Running Shoes
5
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 5:18pm


This is my first time to post on this board. I'm not sure this is where I need to post, but here goes.

I just talked with the man I love with all my heart. In January, he flinched when it came time to leave his wife. I understand. They've been married 25 years. We've known each other, (in this life), for less than a year.

He asked me not to leave, although I've had my running shoes on almost since day one. He was unsure. I made him promise not to talk about forever unless and until he was ready to commit to forever. He agreed.

We're writing a book together. (Yes, its _good_) ;) We've continued to see each other. We talk every day, except on the weekends and even then he finds a way to call or email me, (because I don't do NC well AT ALL). IOW, he's considerate, loving, caring, intelligent, handsome, sexy, and he's my soul's other half.

Okay, if he's wonderful, then why am I posting here? I told him that I believe that my love is worth someone wanting to shout it from the mountaintops. I don't like being a hidden secret. I _won't_ be one forever. I'm taking a job closer to home to deal with some family problems and at the end of the six month contract, we're going to move into just friends or more. I asked him if he wanted me to put that kernel of hope up, or to plant it, water it, and see if it grows.

Did I say that I love him? He was so honest. He's gentle about it, but he loves us both. He's not leaving her...he's "almost certain." He's also not willing to let me go. Of course, he also knows that's not in his hands.

Now, I'm not quite ready to let go. And even if I were, he'll always be my Querido. I'll always love him and support him and be there for him. And when I do, he's still my best friend and co-writer. I just have to learn how to move this to a friendship, because in this world, that's what we have. I cherish that friendship. I _won't_ let it go.

Now, I know people here advocate NC, and I can see where it should work, but that's not going to happen here. We've spent lifetimes chasing each other...sometimes we win out and we're together. Sometimes the three Sisters beat the sh*t out of us. I've watched him march off to battle. I've died giving birth to our child. I've lived a happy, fulfilling lifetime with him, watching our children and grandchildren grow.

I see women on the Affair Board who have thirty year relationships. I don't think I can do that. I'm not good at keeping my feelings hidden and I resent the need. So, how do I move this into the right kind of relationship? Baby steps, folks...this is awfully raw.

Thanks for all the help.



Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: cazrida
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 6:09pm
Dear Cazrida,

I can so relate with your difficult situation. Me and my MM work together and are involved with alot of activities in and out of work together. While he hasn't offically told me that he'll never be able to leave his wife, his inability to do so up until this point kindof speaks for itself. Like you this was never a role I seen myself accepting, and still don't, but look here I am. Wishing I could find the answers myself and realizing that NC just wouldn't work, but we've tried to remain in contact without it involving the bedroom but have never been successful. I believe once you love someone you can't just simply turn it off, those feelings are either destroyed or need to be placed in a far away place, not one that resurfaces every time you see or speak to them. So, unfortuneately I've come to realize that the NC theory is probably the only real remedy that will work, although I'm not even sure I'd be successful at that either. Love when shared between two people mutually can be a very beautiful thing, but it can also suck sometimes. My only advise that I've been able to follow is you have to do what is right for you, and when it has played itself out, which if your anything like me, it will get to the point of you finally saying to yourself 'screw this sh**'and then and only then will you be okay with walking away, but indeed it will be for good not back and forth.

Debbie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
In reply to: cazrida
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 7:02pm
perhaps this is the lifetime you are both supposed to be living now and must accept that. tell me about how you know about your past lives together. I ask because I saw a psychic (in fact i saw two) that said some really interesting things to me about this relationship (and its past histories). The one key thing that one said was that my XMM would never leave his wife because of issues of: religion, money and social status (and all of that is 100% correct). He would easily leave his W if he didn't think it would destory all of those social structures (which it would for him). He has a big job; is a major person in his parish; she has a big job locally as well; they live near both sets of their parents; and he may consider, down the road, running for political office (although W is not supportive of this; but i am).

So, you can see how the exposure of our A would end all of those things for him; and I do too; and i thought it was pretty telling that not only 1, but two psychics told me the exact same thing (one of the psychics is very prominent in our city).

At any rate, hearing that we had been togehter before numerous times--and would be again--was very reassuring to me (i saw the psychics last August) and i have to tell you, when i look back on it now, i think those meetings with the psychics is what helped me get through the end of our A and the beginning of NC (which we do on and off again, as we can't seem to stay away from each other).

So, perhaps, if you realize that this is what is supposed to be now; that there is nothing you can do in this life to change things and that the course of your relationship is set for now, maybe it will help you as it did me.

As angry and resentful as i can get about my XMM, we both made a promise to each other and a wish that we would always be friends. (this was in the form of a coin he carried for me to Rome last summer that he threw in the Trevi Fountain.) For right now, that appears where things are headed--and i am grateful for that. I guess i believe that we were both put in each other's lives for a reason (we often talk about this) and perhaps that is what is playing itself out now: for him to show me i am loveable and desirable; and for me to ??? for him i am still not sure.

I have to say, i have never believed in psychics, both both said that my H was having an A (which i firmly did not believe) and the second one--even told me her initials and the timeline of when i would discover this--and all of that came true, 100%.

Regarding my XMM, the psychic told me that we had a long history of him being "caged" and that I represented his freedom for him; that we had worked diligently for emancipation (even moved from the US to Scotland--his roots--to avoid the oppression of slaves in the US); that we had never lived one full lifetime together--our relationship was always after we had tried others and failed or were separated by war or some such. That i would always be a woman that stood behind him to make him a greater person (and help him actualize his dreams).

Writing this, somehow makes me feel better today. I don't have control over these things. I don't know what is true and what isn't, but there is a connection here (and i have had this with some people) that just can't seem to be broken. So, i'll take it for what it is today.


Clarice

Edited 4/2/2004 8:18 pm ET ET by claricews

Edited 4/2/2004 8:22 pm ET ET by claricews


Edited 4/2/2004 8:23 pm ET ET by claricews

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
In reply to: cazrida
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 8:12pm
I went to get my astrological charts read a couple months ago. It was when i hadnt addressed my feelings about my A yet. She told me this life time I am suppose to focus on love relationships. Untill i read this post i hadnt thought back to it.

When u finally realize ur on earth for a reason its hard to think differently. its also hard to understand what the right decisions are to fulfill ur purpose. I guess thats why im so torn about telling my bf about C. I have gotten such different advice from different places. and its really hard for me to distinguish what is right and wrong for myself. and im scared that i just dont want to recognize the right decision. its a struggle that everyone has to go thru... some harder than others.

and the fact that u r so understanding is amazing... kudos!

srf

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: cazrida
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 8:42pm


Hi Clarice,

Thank-you for your encouragement and words of wisdom. You may have a point. I'm not sure why this is the life we're living, but as he likes to say, "it is what it is."

Preface: For those of you who don't believe in reincarnation, this is strictly my experience and I hope I don't offend you by answering Clarice's questions.

I'm going to try to explain how we know we've been together before, but please understand that I don't know the right "lingo", if there is any. Be patient, please, because the whole story ties together.

We've both been all over the country, but we've frequently lived in the same places without ever meeting. One of those places was in West Texas.

When we first met, he told me about a day he spent with some clients in El Paso. He had the opportunity to ride a huge black stallion, and just loved it. He mentioned that an odd thing had happened to him that evening. They went out to dinner at a restaurant we both knew that was way out of town. While they were standing out on the veranda, at sunset, he felt an incredible urgency. He _needed_ to get back on that horse and ride to the river. It was incredibly pressing. There was something threatening involving someone. He didn't know what it was, just that it was almost overpowering and completely unlike anything he had experienced before.

OK...Point of view switch. From the time I was a very small child, I had a recurring dream. I was in a wagon on a dusty road. I was wearing a long, hot cotton gown. My daughter was in the wagon with me, as was someone else. As we went up the road, something caused the horses to bolt and I couldn't get ahold of the reins. The wagon bounced and almost overturned, and the horses missed a turn on the curve. I knew we were going to be unable to stop and we would go over the oncoming ledge and into the river. I called for someone, and looked over my shoulder, repeatedly. I could see him. A man on a black horse, riding as hard as he could. I knew he could never reach us in time. I remember calling his name, but not what it was. We went over the edge and plunged to a muddy, boulder filled, brown river.

I had the dream repeatedly. I couldn't have been more than three the first time I had it. I had it for years...until the year he went to El Paso and rode a black stallion. That was the last time I ever had that dream.

We didn't put this together at once. For one thing, both of us are very scientifically oriented, and very reluctant to believe all that "new age stuff." In fact, my background is extremely conservative Christian. He encouraged me to rationally question things, to have the courage to face my answers and to deal with them. I no longer believe what I was taught as a child. I sometimes question God's very existence. But there are things I can't explain, and I won't close my mind to real possibilities.

Not only are we both rational people, but he had no idea that I'd ever had the dream when he told me about his experience. Weeks later, we were talking and I told him about the troubling dream...and all of a sudden we started putting things together. We checked dates. Check. We checked details. Check. It really had no provable explanation, but the congruency strained coincidence. And my recurring nightmare stopped once he acknowledged his need to find...someone in terrible danger.

There are other things we can't rationally explain...memories that sometimes almost overwhelm. He seems able to walk around in my head at will, and we've both sent and received messages to each other.

Please understand. We both know that we can't prove any of this scientifically. We've fought our conclusions, but we've found no better explanations. And deep down inside, we recognize each other. He is my Querido. I am his Querida. And somehow, somewhere, we will be together again.




QUERIDO

The threads of our lives have been strung with pearls…

One lifetime is ours,

One lifetime is hers.

Always, yes always, you challenge and chide,

Intrigue twines with honor,

Our love yet abides.

I sing your soul in my dreams…

The chords clash, then soar home.

Bass provides grounding and alto lifts wings,

Strength surrounding, encompasses, ensnares and then flings

My heart to the heavens

My soul to the throne

My mind to the universe

Glory reborn…

For a second we touch…

Breaths mingle, blood burns.

The strength we may gather

Must ‘bide till the morn

When once more we arise.

And like Daedelus, fly

‘Til the sun sears in twain,

And desolate cries

Mourn.

Eternal, forever, our chi seeks anew

One lifetime for me

Together with you.



Te quiero, mi Corazon.



Thank-you for the opportunity to share.



Cazrida


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: cazrida
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 9:06pm


Dear Debbie,

I have to agree. I can't just turn off my love. It is a part of who I am.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with things. You're right. Sometimes, it just sucks. :(

I can't see us ever having no contact. He walks around in my head, now. LOL But somehow, I have to make this right for all three of us. And the only thing I can see that would be right, would be for us to be friends and co-writers.

And I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I don't even know how to get ready for that. Of course, I've never learned how to prepare for goodbye. I just send him off with my love and pray until he returns.

Good luck in your new start.



Cazrida