In the rut again

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
In the rut again
4
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 7:41pm
WHY IS IT!!!!

I have been extrememly happy with how I have been feeling about XMM and the A. It has become ALOT easier to think about. Alot of the memories are starting to fade (I would hope so since it has been a little over 5 months since seeing him) and the memories that are still there will never go away but there doesn't seem to be as much emotion with it. But then WAM! I feel like I am at the first day again! It seems like I can go a good 2 to 2 and a half weeks of feeling OK about everything and then it will hit me again. I start to wonder if he ever thinks about me and our times together. I think about the things he would tell me about his family and imagine myself there with him. I imagine our lives together. Then comes the urge to somehow contact him. It has been over 2 months of NC and I am very proud of that but a big part of me knows that there has been NC because the last time I contacted him he said he didn't want to deal with me anymore because he needed to focus on his M and his W and kids. I can't be rejected again like that and I do not want to look like the pathetic one who can not give it up! GRRRRR!!!

I do not know what it is - Do I need closure? Sometimes I think that is the majority of what it is. A good friend of mine just tells me that I need to let it go. Much easier said then done. How can I let go the one person who made me feel so good about myself. How can I let go the guy I had a connection with like no other. As I have said before I am single and I know that there are alot of other guys out there but it terrifies me to think that I may never feel that same kind of connection again with someone. I think that that is the majority of what my problem is. What if I never find another person who can make me feel like that again?

I hate these ruts!!! Thank god for this board. At least by reading others' posts I know that I am not the only one who has days like this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: yella103
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 11:58pm
Hey

What your going through is normal cycles, they will get shorter and less difficult over time and the time span between them will in crease as well tell they stop all together.

So just hang in there and you will come through ok.

And you will meet someone better then a cheating married man.

F

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: yella103
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 8:18am
So true, and this is the thing to remind yourself of when you're feeling low - soon it will pass and a good day will come again. In the past, bad days often drove me to break NC, but now I realize that just starts the cycle over again and this time I'm looking to finish it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
In reply to: yella103
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 3:48pm
Man, you described the feelings and the fear so well. I worry about that sometimes...what if I never feel that way again? The sad thing is that I think I've already lost the wonderful feeling with him. The only friend who knows about my affair tells me that I have to remember that I was part of making the relationship feel so wonderful and if I could do it once, I can do it again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
In reply to: yella103
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 3:54pm
Thanks so much for the support. I realize that there are going to be days like this for awhile and eventually they will occur less often. It just hurts so bad when I hit these low points! It really feels like day 1 all over again! I wish that I could find reasons to hate XMM but no matter how hard I try I can't!

The one thing that I do try to think of to give me a reality dose - He cheated on his W with me. Who is the say if for some reason we ended up together he wouldn't do the same to me???