Sad and I see a pattern here

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Sad and I see a pattern here
6
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 2:38pm
Hi all! Well, I was soo full of myself yesterday about how well I handled my downtime this past weekend and now wouldn't you know it? I miss him terribly. I've been all teenaged girl goofy, wanting to write poetry and listen to sad songs and watch tear-jerking movies. UGH!

The pattern I see is that last time I attempted NC I made it about 6 weeks. That's when I thought I missed him soooo much I couldn't take it and had to call him. Of course, as soon as he got my call he made himself available and we were right back to where we left off. I'm determined not to do that this time. I don't know whether unconsciously I'm aware that last time I broke NC right around this point (I haven't seen him since 2/19). It seems I missed him much less when we first broke up than I do now and I wonder if that's because it's been about 5 weeks since I held him or was intimate with him (or anyone else for that matter) or whether there's something else going on here. Why was I okay initially and now as time moves forward instead of feeling better about breaking it off I'm feeling worse??? Am I concerned that I haven't heard from him and he's "over" me?

I also wonder whether now that I've recovered my energy and some stability after the "chaos" of having 2 men in my life and since things are working out well enough with my H that I feel its too boring? Do I need more excitement? More instability? Am I just a whackjob? (Don't answer that!). I don't get it.

All I know is that I want to keep moving forward with my H, dealing with my own feelings and healing from all that's gone on in the last few years, and I DON'T WANT TO BREAK NC! Please help me hang in there! TIA!

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 3:22pm
Boy, oh boy, do I relate! There is definitely a bit of a pattern going on with me, too. I was so strong for the first couple of months. Any contact between us was initiated by him. I felt so strong, and kind of cocky, like, "See? He still needs me." I was so sure that he would be the first one to cave in from NC, not me. I thought I was so strong. But then about 6 weeks passed, no word from him, and I heard some rumors about him through the grapevine (good rumors, nothing shady) and I realized he was moving on with his life, and I started to feel myself slipping. And obsessing about whether he was forgetting all about me. Until eventually, I did cave and contacted him with a short, friendly little email just asking how he's been... Dumb, I know. When he didn't reply and didn't reply and didn't reply, I really felt horrible, and then last week I finally got a response from him. It didn't say much beyond telling me that he wasn't emotionally ready to chat w/ me, and that he missed me, etc. That was all I needed to hear to make me feel better. I was feeling realy good about myself, thought I was really ready to handle this okay.

However, today I discovered pretty much by accident that he got a new AIM account. (We used to flirt constantly via IM, until his old OS could no longer handle the most current version of Messenger we were using.) So of course now I am thinking, "Who is he IMing with now?" And it's taking everything in me not to put him on my buddy list just so I can see when he's online, etc. I don't want to do that; it feels like spying, plus I don't want that extra temptation to contact him, especially now that he's made it clear that he doesn't want me to. I think I still am operating on the strength & energy I got just from hearing from him last week, but I worry too that if I haven't heard anything from him in a few more weeks, I'll slip again.

Didn't mean to turn this reply into something all about ME, sorry! Just wanted to relate to your situation, and hopefully we can help each other be strong, one day at a time!!! I was inspired by your post after the weekend, about how you remained so strong even though you were lonely & it would have been easy for you to crack... Let's all keep posting our successes like that, because they really help!!

xo,

K.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 3:43pm
i can relate to all of this. I was feeling so good about myself--still am--about how i handled my XMM at the Little League field Sunday. . . and then, lo and behold, when i least expect it (this happens every time) i pick up my office line yesterday and it is him. We had not had any REAL contact for two weeks. So there i am, thinking, oh great, i am breaking NC--and i had known it was going to be him, i wouldn't have answered my phone. He does call often and not leave messages: i can hear the phone ring and ring, and then ring and ring again, and then my house phone starts ringing (he doesn't seem to call my cell much anymore). Anyway, so here i am on the phone with him--and we talked for 1 hour, about nothing at all, but i have to say, it was a nice converation about everything under the planet.

The good news is, when i hung up the phone, i was really able to move on with my day and i only went thru the conversation in my head, once--not a zillion times like i have before. I do not have expectation to hear from him again, any time soon.

I do think, part of it is, needing and wondering "do they still think/care/love" me. I think many of us have been in relationships where we don't feel loved (me, 17 years!) and so when this other man makes you feel that way it is wonderfully intoxicating---but as we all know, that intoxication is addictive and destructive over all. this XMM has caused me as much exhiliration as he has pain.

I have decided we arel all worth so much and of course they won't ever forget us. We are lovely and strong and smart and resourceful. There must have been something there to attract these MM to us to begin with: for some, the attraction was worth risking all they had. My XMM used to tell me that if people found out about our feelings, he would be booted out of his house and the town where we live and he'd had to start his life over. That's a huge risk.

They don't forget us. They probably do what we do: think about us, miss us and try and work on NC.

I hope this helps.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 4:27pm
Hey! You helped me so much the other day that I want to reciprocate! The rubber band thing actually kind of help;-)

Here we all are, grown women who want to feel special, appreciated and loved. I don't think that's too much to ask! I just think we're asking the wrong people instead of demanding it from the right ones. I went crazy this weekend, broke NC...tried to rekindle something of what I had with OM. Now I want to kick myself! I mean, he's not even as good looking as my H! GO FIGURE!! So what does he do for me? Well, he's great in bed...time to send H to a sex therapist..problem solved. OM tells me he loves me....and then takes it away....time for me to go to a therapist!! I know my H loves me and he tells me so...but he doesn't show it! Time for marriage counseling!!

There are steps we can take to work on our marriage, to become less insecure, to kick the H to the curb. These are our choices!! No other person can fix these things, no other person is worth the self doubt. I know that I am a strong woman who doesn't need any man to be complete and I know that you are too.

If we set a goal, then let's do it together and celebrate when we reach it....buy an outfit, a car, an ice cream. Reward ourselves for being strong and get back to where we all should be in the first place! Happy!

I made that call today to the OM....the one that told him that I didn't want anything at all except to wave at him when I see him drive down the road!! Today, I mean it....Hopefully with the support of all you, I will mean it tomorrow and the next and the next!!

Put away the records...and grab a comedy instead!!! Take your kids to the park, let your meditation and yoga take you to that place and write to us, we will always pick you up!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 7:32am
Thanks ladies! You are really helping me, more than you probably realize!! :)
Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 10:36am
we have affairs because of some need not being met. Whether it be attention, love, sex, romance, etc. When we break off with our lovers and not get what we need there is a sort of void. That is the only way I can explain it. So we can do one of two things: just accept that we aren't going to have certain needs met and learn how to be content with our lives as they are..OR try and get those needs met by someone else, or our husbands.(if that is possible).

Patterns are common, they are human nature and it wouldn't surprise me if you are in a pattern. I was for a very long time, and as much as I wanted to get away from XOM I wound up back with him. I know the pattern syndrome very well..I lived it. You are not crazy, what you are feeling is normal.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 8:11am
Thank you all sooooooo much for your kind and thoughtful responses! I was off-line all day yesterday and this morning I came in to read your posts and I feel so energized now! I did speak with my closest confidant about this issue, this pattern, I see in my relationship with OMM and we agreed that it isn't really about him, per se, it's about me.

In some respects, yes, he's filling a void for me, but the void is such an unhealthy one! My problem is that I never feel enough of anything! Nothing is ever enough. I never have enough intensity, enough craziness, enough drama, enough chaos, enough clothes, etc. And an overabundance of those things doesn't necessarily make me happy, but the absence of an overabundance of those things makes me fearful. Here's a good example: you know how stores like Express and Banana Republic make the same shirt in like 10 different spring colors and you can't decide which color? Me, I'm not happy unless I have the same darned shirt in every color they make it in. If I look at that behavior really closely, I know its not because having the shirt in every color makes me happy, its because I'm afraid that they'll stop making the shirt and I'll wish that I had bought it in a different color, or I'll stain the one I have and when I go back to buy it again they won't have it in my size, I don't know, it's something like that.

Someone mentioned that their H is really better looking than their OMM. I can relate to that too. My OMM is wicked handsome, but my H is pretty hot, too. Plus my H is very intelligent, very successful, makes lots of $$$ and he's alot of fun to hang out with. He's pretty good with the kids (except for sometimes using that "guy" judgment on occasion and letting them eat candy for dinner and letting DD10 sit in the front seat of his convertible when they're driving in town, you know the stuff guys do and hope the kids don't tell mom!) H has it completely over OMM in those departments. Why am I out to sabatoge this marriage????

On the upside, I'm feeling much better today. Since I've been focusing on this "void" and my "not enough" hang up I'm starting to get with the fact that its not necessarily OMM I'm missing so much (although that's a small part of it) it's the insanity that came along with trying to juggle him along with my full-time career and taking care of my kids. Anyhows, guys, thanks for your feedback. It helps so much to know that others can relate!!!

mo 7-18-10