Sad and Struggling and It's Over
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| Mon, 03-01-2004 - 2:07pm |
H and I were together for 16 years and newly separated the night I met OMM. I was at possibly the lowest point in my life. We got very involved very quickly and fell in love. Fast forward to 2004: I've cleaned up my life. I back to practicing my profession, I'm taking good care of my kids, and I've been in "recovery" for 17 months. Along with all the positive changes, I realized that OMM and I weren't looking for the same thing out of this A. He definitely wanted to get married. He recently instituted divorce proceedings and has been searching for an apartment for us to live in together. I've realized in working the 12-step program that I'm not ready to end my marriage and even if I was, I don't think OMM would be "the one." He's a wonderful man, gorgeous and the s** is mind-blowing. But that's where it ends. I feel like I led him on for a long time, telling him that I wanted a future with him. And there were days when I believed I did, I waited thinking some day I would wake up with great clarity about this situation and decide that I needed to end my marriage to marry OMM. It's been a while and that moment of clarity never came. I couldn't let him keep believing that this relationship was going somewhere. I think I did the right thing, but last night he was so angry and so devastated.
Do you all understand? I didn't end the A because I wanted to; I ended it because I think it was the right thing to do. I'm afraid of NC. It's not that I don't love this man dearly. It's not that he hasn't given me the moon, the stars and the sun. It's that I just can't make a commitment and I feel like its so unfair of me to hang on to him for my own selfish purposes when I know I can never be the woman he wants/needs. UGH!!!! I'm going to wind up alone when the dust settles, I know it.
Can anyone relate??? I need support, I need to keep NC. Otherwise, we're just going to dig a deeper hole. . . Thanks for listening! Maureen


~Love
What you did takes a lot of real courage, stick to your guns and your life is going to move forward to better and better places.
F