Sad to be here-new

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2011
Sad to be here-new
19
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 7:06pm

Hi.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 10:05pm

Welcome to the board - I think?

Are you ending your affair? If so, then this is the place for you ... if you're looking for sympathy for the self-inflicted pain of staying in an affair with a single person who sounds like they are they are trying to move on, then this isn't the right board for you.

Affairs are addictions, as serious and life-threatening (although differently so) than any other drug. These addictions initially feed our fragile egos and end up destroying them even further. Instead of money we steal to get our fix, we steal time, we lie, we cheat, we manipulate, we become something we dispise. I was where you are right now. I was so low I didn't know how I was going to survive to the next minute. My affair cost me more than I care to document at this moment ...

All of us were behaving narcissistic in our affairs. They are all about meeting OUR short term wants and taking the short cut to getting those wants met. Ending an affair is as much a state of mind and the ACTIONS you take to END it. There is no inbetween space. You either end it, or you don't. You either choose a life of dignity, or you continue to make a mockery out of your marriage and play your Husband for the fool. We were not victims. We made choices that enabled our affairs to happen and continue.

What do you want MD? Who do you want to be? Ddays could happen at any moment ... even months after the affair ends. Wouldn't you at least like to say that you had the courage to end it and got yourself into therapy to figure yourself out?

Much care,

TU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2011
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 10:12pm

Sorry for not making myself clear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 10:27pm

Missed...

Welcome.

Youre sitting here primed for response, I can see it in your quick reply to TU -

So I also want to extend myself to you in both welcoming you and offering you my understanding.

YOU SURE ARE RIGHT! IT'S AN ADDICTION! ITS AN OBSESSIVE STINKIN ESCAPE FROM Whatever it is we're trying to avoid. We're just using the "people" variety.

Your xap, doesnt live across country...He lives in YOUR HEAD, kwim?

He's ONLY as close as YOUR thoughts keep him.

You decide to end it.

You commit to your decision to end it.

You focus on YOURSELF and ALL YOUR REASONS for needing a distraction:

What are you trying to avoid feeling?

What empty spots are you trying to fill with another person?

Deal with yourself, Missed. This is all about YOU.

Look into yourself without shame.

Forgive yourself for your selfishness.

What are you missing in YOU that you told yourself this person gave you?

There is SO MUCH FODDER FOR READING HERE...Missed - tool around and see what strikes a chord with you; the Healing Library is chock FULL of words of wisdom, advice, practicality, and truth.

Post your feelings here, post through breaking your addiction - you'll receive a ton of support - its funny too how the level of support you receive is directly correlated to your willingness to be DEAD STARK HONEST about yourself and this nasty addiction.

We've ALL.....for the most part gotten downright, RAW AND REAL, Missed.

I hope that for you too,

Michelle

ps. NO FB STALKING!!!!! Dont go there. It will keep you stuck, hurt, and FOCUSED IN THE WRONG DIRECTION.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2011
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 10:38pm

Yeah I was ready for the responses as I was spending my time here and not thinking of him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 10:55pm

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GREAT JOB!!!!!!!

SEE!!!!!!

YOURE ALREADY SWITCHING YOUR FOCUS!!!!! :)

I tend to YELL alot! :)

Especially when Im really proud of someone or very happy for them!!!

keep on reading and posting! Your recovery's going to be light years ahead than if you didnt.

Congrats on your very first, jam free weekend!!!!!!!

M

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2011
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 11:03pm

You can yell all you like:smileyhappy: I even decided to text my DH a love text instead of XAP.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 11:11pm

There you go!!! That's a great idea!!!!

Your husband may have missed your affection and attention while you were giving it to jam.

As you dig into you, to what's driven you to choose unhealthy actions (the affair) - I can't see any reason not to reconnect with your husband. I think that's what being married is about :) connecting lovingly. *said from a single woman* :)

Ive done alot of digging into myself, Missed - to get to the bottom of why I used another person for a distraction from my life, my issues, my problems and have deduced my reasons for "getting addicted" to focusing on him instead of me. The more I've read and learned...I tend to call that codependency. Whatever you "call" it...Just DIG INTO YOU. DIG DEEP and figure out what you feel you're missing. It's not easy work, nor pretty, nor fun, nor SWIFT....but I can tell you - I have many MORE moments now (at 3 months out) of feeling worthy, capable, strong, and MOST IMPORTANTLY healthy...that Ive actually...as a single woman...been able to TURN DOWN...other guys who would serve as an ADDICTIVE DISTRACTION in my life.

Ive chosen to stay on this tough course, and FIX ME. Finally.

Love to you,

Michelle

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2011
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 11:24pm

I do hope to talk to my DH tonight when he comes home from work and spend time with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 11:32pm

Dear Missed,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2011
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 11:42pm

I am lucky this was only for a month and not more time wasted.

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