Sad Today
Find a Conversation
Sad Today
| Fri, 02-04-2011 - 9:51pm |
I'm really sorry I haven't been around much. I guess the truth is; I'm going through a rough patch.
I had a couple of triggers this week and they've set me back and I'm just having such a hard time with it because I thought I was past all of this!!! I was having a pity party and now I'm just going through a rough patch because I don't understand why. Why it happened in the first place; why my supposed friend threw away 12 years of friendship; why I got wrapped up in it; why my heart still feels broken. It makes me angry because he shouldn't be allowed to be in my heart anymore.
I'm finding it really hard to remain NC these days. I wonder what he's doing and how he's been. My cousin lives really close to him and I'm going to visit her this weekend. I am so tempted to reach out. I know its not a good idea. I know why NC works. I know if I were to reach out, I'd only get hurt...but dang it....it just feel so sad today anyways.
Sorry I sound like such a whiner and thanks for letting me vent.
I had a couple of triggers this week and they've set me back and I'm just having such a hard time with it because I thought I was past all of this!!! I was having a pity party and now I'm just going through a rough patch because I don't understand why. Why it happened in the first place; why my supposed friend threw away 12 years of friendship; why I got wrapped up in it; why my heart still feels broken. It makes me angry because he shouldn't be allowed to be in my heart anymore.
I'm finding it really hard to remain NC these days. I wonder what he's doing and how he's been. My cousin lives really close to him and I'm going to visit her this weekend. I am so tempted to reach out. I know its not a good idea. I know why NC works. I know if I were to reach out, I'd only get hurt...but dang it....it just feel so sad today anyways.
Sorry I sound like such a whiner and thanks for letting me vent.

Pages
aww Cait...sorry you are feeling so bad.
Are there other things you can do during your weekend away that will nourish and heal you, and will help to keep you busy?
If you feel at all tempted to pick up the phone, come here first. We'll be here to support you and hold you safe from any new hurts.
Kat.
I've been reading Louise Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life" and a booked called "The Happiness Project" and I'm trying so hard to put my needs first. I don't want him to be in my mind. I really don't. And that's why it is hurting me so much that he's in there. I keep thinking that I see him. I hear his voice. I think part of the reason I'm missing him so much is that a year ago our A was in the best place it ever was. We went on trips together (a year ago we were in Quebec and coming up soon was one year since we went to NYC) My life was pretty easy then. I was busy, happy...my Dad was still alive. Now, it just seems like a struggle right now.
Thanks again for listening.
(((((((Cait)))))))
Awww HONEY.
Sometimes....it doesnt matter WHY this all comes up again. Call it an AFTERSHOCK.
You're right....youre recalling the "better times".
I am sorry to see that you are hurting yourself with these thoughts today. I am very glad you came here to express these feelings, and I hope you use this board to keep you strong and help you keep focused on avoiding what you know "is not a good idea". And while I know around here we like to focus on ourselves and our needs....I think you need to realize that if you were to reach out there is high potential for many people to get hut, not just yourself. And I will go as far as saying use the fact that he is still in your heart to show some compassion for him and his healing. Imagine the damage you could do to the hard work he has done these past few months getting past YOU. You say "why my supposed friend threw away 12 years of friendship", but the real question is why did you throw away a 12 year friendship when you crossed the line with XAP? You are/were M and unavailable to him in anyway beyond the lines of friendship, yet for some reason you chose to go there. Answering these questions about ourselves are much more important.
But there are statements in your posts that are worrisome to me Cait. While I do agree with MC's thinking I think it is time to move past the "It doesn't matter" phase. That is useful to help us early on to control our thoughts and help keep us centered on the growth of our own feelings. And while it will always remain central to our healing I think it is really time for you to move onto the the "LET IT GO" phase.
All of your huts and pain that you describe stems from the fact that you are still holding so tightly onto the fantasy that your A was. I can see this and recognize it because that was by far the hardest part for me to let go of. As a fellow endee, as I know you were, it is hard to let go of those ideas we built up of the life we envisioned with xAP. But Cait you have to LET IT GO.
Its time to get real Cait. And to do that look at some of your statements in their true nature.
"I think part of the reason I'm missing him so much is that a year ago our A was in the best place it ever was."
Have you seen Labyrinth? Do you think there was a best place in the Bog of Eternal Stench? No way! There was no good place in a relationship that was born of lies and perpetuated by deceit, neglect, and destruction of self-worth? No way. There is no good place in A land Cait....NONE! This is the thinking that you need to place your mind in. I know it is hard, believe me I do.
"We went on trips together (a year ago we were in Quebec and coming up soon was one year since we went to NYC) My life was pretty easy then."
Easy? Seriously? How much effort did it take to carry out these "back door" weekends? How many lies did you have to tell....how easy was it to be unavailable to your family and your H? I know that for me keeping up the "show" on the other half of the A was exhausting!
I was busy, happy...
No you were not happy...you were in a fogged up headspace mistaking addiction to chemical reactions for love, companionship, and connection. You may not be ready to see things this way yet, but you will, and you need to that is what will result in the next big growth and separation from this horrible experience...and move closer to him being "out of your head".
Cait, I know your Dad is/was very important to you, and with that i am sure comes a huge amount of respect. And what is the thing we want most from those that we respect...respect in return. So I have worked before with thoughts of your dad to help you with reshaping some of the reoccurring thoughts you had about how your xAP and his timing of the escape. I am going to do it here again in an attempt...which I assure you comes from a place of compassion and love...to help you reshape these purely romantic ideals you have going in your head about anything "good" to your A.
"happy...my Dad was still alive." Now Cait...imagine explaining to your dad last year where it was that you were going on these wonderful weekends together. Could you have told him? What would he have thought? So instead honor his memory now by continuing on this path you are walking too living an honorable and respectful life....one that you can be proud of....one that he would be proud of.
"Now, it just seems like a struggle right now"
I know it does Cait...but keep struggling and it will get better I know it will. Work hard to reshape those thoughts....LET GO of the fantasy...LET GO of the idea that there was anything even remotely good about any time that you were in the A....LET GO of everything that you thought it was....and HOLD ONTO what you have right in front of you. Do that and your healing will grown by leaps and bounds....I promise.
Sending you vibes full of strength, resolve, and care this night
Peace & Light
Foggy
And yes....if you do feel weak at all this weekend....use us here. We know that you are Strong and we will remind you if needed. Have a great weekend with YOUR cousin. Enjoy every moment....every FREE moment!
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
I had typed this long message back to everyone and my frickin computer just shut down and I lost everything, but here goes again.
Kat....we must have been posting at the same time last night and I didn't see your message. Thanks for your support - it means a lot.
Michelle...thanks as always for your viewpoint; your unwavering support means so much.
Luvin...thanks for being there. And thank you that the road to recovery isn't as simple as I want it to be...I'm sure that will be helpful as my healing progresses.
Foggy....let it go...those are 3 very powerful words and one incredible action. You raise so many good points as always.
Hugs
Hugs
Kat
I've been keeping busy and trying to stay distracted so I keep my mind of exAP.
H and I had a huge fight on the weekend which made me miss exAP a lot because whenever I fought with H, exAP would listen and support. I feel alone...even though I'm surrounded by people.
Pages