Sadgirl...are you around...
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| Sat, 11-06-2004 - 6:18pm |
Sadgirl:
I have read several of your posts and I assure you, I feel for you. What I am failing to understand is what attracted you to THAT MM, considering what you have delineated in lovesec's post (for those missing their MM)? The man, according to your description, was a dog from Day 1...you constantly had to call him, went out of your way for him...why? I can understand if he pursued you initially, pulled the honeymoon act until his moral conscience kicked in, whatever personal reasons...then the loss of attention, know what I mean? Curious to know, how long was the "courting" prior to the affair? Or was that built into the three-month affair?
Either way, if you are comfortable answering the questions, please do...all up to you. I do hope you will recover from this and BOUNCE back to life. In sum, I am sorry you hooked up with an all-around insensitive jackass.

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Okay, I'll try to sum up my story in a nutshell as to how it all happened between me and xMM.
My H and I moved to the suburbs from the city about a year and a half ago. We both commute to work on the rail road. xMM works for the rail road. He collects the tickets from the passengers.
On Fridays my H leaves to work an hour before me, so I would end up taking the later train and that's how I met xMM. I was always in the first car of the train and he would stare at me and stuff. I found him VERY attractive, but I never did anything because I am married. This staring between me and him went on for about a year. Until one day, when we got off the train he waited for me at the door and then we said hi to each other. I asked his name and then I gave him my e-mail address. I know this might sound a bit strange, here I am giving out my e-mail adrs to a guy I just met. But since I sort of knew him for a year, I figured it's harmless and I didn't think he would write to me anyway. Well, I was wrong. I gave him my e-mail and the SAME DAY he wrote to me.
Even though I don't have the e-mails anymore that he wrote to me (I deleted them), but I read it about a million times and I summarized it. This is what he wrote in his first e-mail:
"Hey what's up. Listen I'm glad you gave me your email. Don't get scared, but I find you very attractive. I know you're married, I won't pressure you into doing anything you don't want. You don't even have to respond. Just thought you should know, just in case you want to act on it. When you came back and said hi-I was thrilled. Anyway we can still talk if you want to keep it that way. I like talking to you and seeing you smile all the time like you do. Let me know what's up. I keep it between me and you."
At first I was shocked, but I wasn't really surprised at this e-mail. So, I wrote back to him, but I still didn't act on it. The e-mailing between him and I went on for a few weeks, but I always sensed it that he was pressuring me to sleep with him because in one of his e-mails he flat out said "I would like me and you to get together soon!"
Like I said, I was VERY attracted to him and so I fell for his words.
Within a week we kissed and a month later we had IC. In the 3 months we were together we only had IC 4x.
In the beginning of our A, he used to call me a LOT. It's like until he got what he wanted, i.e. sex, then all of a sudden the phone calls got less from him and so on.
He NEVER showed me any emotions either and since our break up, it seems that he still wants me in his life, as one poster told me which I thought was a great phrase "as a penis holster". We broke up twice and both times, he pulled me back into the A with sweet talk. Last week he left me this very angry message, then 2 days later he called me again and left me a more sensitive message where he kept on saying how much I mean to him and that deep down he has feelings for me, yadda, yadda.
Stupid me, I called him back and then he told me how he still wants to remain friends and that he wants to take me out to lunch one day and go bowling (we were supposed to go bowling while we were still in the A, but never happened). But once again I find myself in the trap. He said he wanted to see me Thursday, i.e. 2 days ago, but never called me. And when I called him, he was like "Oh, I am putting up sheet rock and can't leave the house." So, at that point, I got really pissed and realized, "My God, this a**hole still expects me to make all the move and run after him like a puppy dog." NO THANKS!!!! So, I hung up the phone and he didn't really care either.
I saw him the next day when I was on the train, but I avoided him and seems like he was curious to see me because he walked back to the train where I was sitting. He saw that I didn't acknowledge his presence, which I know made him angry. He told me once that it's driving him crazy seeing me so mad at him. Good!
So, basically this is where it stands at this point. Haven't talked to him since Thursday and I hope I don't have to talk to him ever again.
This guy not only treated me like crap, but he never really said anything nice about his W either. He used to call her "Miss pain in the neck."
Life's a b**ch. I am sure, one way or the other he'll get his share.
Thanks for your concern and thanks for reading my story.....
Sadgirl
I may be a pain but you should make the sacrifice and go to work with your husband on fridays from now on.
I suggest that you should have you phone company(s) block calls from his numbers as well as blocking all e-mails or other channels of communications, when you know he cannot get at you your expectations of hereing from him will decrease and it will be easier for you to start moving forward.
If you want to move forward you have to do what it takes and that is to enforce total no contact on YOURSELF as well as HIM.
Free
I would take the train with H on Fridays, but that would get me to my job 2 hours earlier, which would really be a hassle.
I think pretty much xMM got the message when I saw him on the train Friday that I don't want nothing to do with him.
We haven't e-mailed each other since August, because he told me his e-mail was down (which might be true, or might be not).
Right now what bothers me the most, it's not really getting over xMM, but getting the happiness back with my H.
Honestly, since I haven't spoke to xMM, I don't have the urge to call him, nor hear from him. I don't check my cell phone constantly like I used to, which is a big step for me.
Now, I have a problem at home, i.e. I am trying VERY hard to get back with my H as things were between us before the A, but I am having a tough time. H still doesn't know about my A.
Sadgirl:
I hope you do not take offense in what I have to say. Only you know/knew what went on between you two. But what you have given me (the info.(s)), I believe there was a clear miscommunication between you two. The exMM probably thought you knew/understood the nature of the relationship you two were going to leap into. The e-mail (the first one sent by the MM) appears to indicate he wanted a fling, no emotional attachment- nothing more or less. Is it possible that because of the men you might have encountered in the past (prior to marriage) treated you really well as a "dating materal", you might have transferred such expectations on the MM?
The first e-mail he sent you does not exactly exemplify a man with class. There is NO POSSIBLE way how he can fathom what you went through, virtually incapable. Believe it or not I do not believe he thinks he treated you like crap...you cannot reason with the likes of him, completely hopeless and must be avoided at all costs. I am aware you want NOTHING to do with him...but please DO NOT EVER WAVER from that thought, no matter what he does (like getting you a x-mas gift, something he remembered you liked, etc..).
I was a fool not realizing what this guy was all about. However, prior to us starting with the A and the e-mails, he was really nice. We knew each other for a year before the A started and I always used to see him on the train and he seemed so sweet. I guess that's what attracted me to him.
At one point, a month after our A, xMM did admit it to me that he never thought the A would go this far and this emotional. So, by that I think he also realized that the "fling" he intended went further and he didn't expect that.
Yes, most of my ex-boyfriends (before marriage) treated me well. I did date some real a**holes as well, but those I dumped within a month.
I haven't talked to him since last Thursday and yes he did try to call me, but I didn't answer his calls. I truly don't know what this guy is all about anymore.
In another e-mail he wrote me in the past he said he wanted to have a night with me and that's cool enough for him.
Once again, I was stupid not to see what was coming. I guess I have been out of the dating loop so long and didn't realize that there are a**holes still lurking out there.
I learned my lesson. I am sure, one day he will get his share back. What goes around, comes around.
Thank you for not taking offense. Yes, I believe what comes around, will go around. I can assure you my xMM got "his" and I did not have to do a thing. Let's say he is embroiled in personal family tragedy problems, needs all the support he can get...and I simply refuse to help him. As far as I am concerned, he can suffer alone or rely on one of his friends. In all, I am not his friend. I am aware I sound cold...but I had/have no alternative. In addition, he shoveled a lot of, heaped sh-- on me- felt no loyalty/desire to assist him. I know he feels I have "turned" my back on him. Oh well.
I wonder what is worst: being with your brain-dead potato-head or with a calculating borderline narcissitic psychopath. Yes, that was my exMM; he surely SNOWED me over, got suctioned into his "plausible" lies (can never be verified). Funny, while I was in a relationship with him, red flags were consistently coming up but I chose to ignore 'em (thought all were in my head). Thinking back, I am beyond furious...more at myself for failing to heed my internal warnings, wanted (for unknown reasons) to prove myself wrong, that he is a prince charming. Turns out he is a toad, poorly evolved. I believed his profession of love for me...BULLSH--! He never loved me, was incapable of it. Via NC and time, I do not think about him as much. And when I do, I want to give a swift kick on his bum.
There were several incidents leading to our break-up; final straw was when he cancelled out on me (in fact I had to call him that AM to confirm, in which he calls back within five minutes, explaining that he car was in the shop). Regardless, if that was true or not...THAT WAS IT! Changed my cell number (Verizon did not have the capacity to block a number...has to get a whole new one, does not make sense...), blocked e-mails...game's over, was not going to play it anymore. He frantically searched for me...came as a shock to him that I would pull THAT stunt after he was so confident he had me wrapped around his finger. I "let" him think that, the arrogant fool.....
Continue to IGNORE that CREEP...he is not worthy of your acknowledgement, invisible...the best revenge on your part.
Beenthere
I also must admit, before the A, I was always looking forward to seeing xMM on Fridays. I guess if I never have given him my e-mail, I don't think the A would have started in the first place.
So, in a way I am also to blame for what happened. I truly believe what you said, that my xMM was probably just looking for a fling. But what I also realized is that eventually the fling he intended turned into more. I mean, he kept coming back for more. And after my 2 attempts to break off the A, he still called me.
What I also fail to believe, or maybe I am just naive, some posters said that you can still have IC and not get emotionally attached to that person. How is that possible???? I mean, yes, I have had a few men in my life prior to meeting my husband, but each intimate encounter I had did mean something on both parties. I never had a one night stand either. Maybe for some people it's easy to just get in bed and not have emotional attachment for that person. I just can't imagine going to bed with someone and not have feelings for that person afterwards!?
I also had red flags from day one by xMM, but for some reason I always believed that he cared about me. I mean, men have a funny way of showing they care. My xMM also lied to me several times. I mean, what puzzled me the most, which I STILL don't understand, is that he knew from day one that I was married, yet, he lied to me about him being married. Why? I can understand if I was single and he would lie to me about being married because that would discourage me from dating a MM. But, why lie to me when he knew I am married.
I also can't block his cell#, because I have Verizon too and getting a new # would not only give me more hassle, but how would I explain that to my H, why I want a new number all of a sudden (he does not know about my A).
I am glad it's over though. Even the depression I had is getting better. I stopped crying and I am focusing on better things in life.
Sadgirl
SADGIRL!!!!!!!!!!!
Read your previous posting (November 11th)...you have to STOP! Do not talk to xMM REGARDLESS! He is not your friend, you are not his friend- period. Probability is why you DESIRE to communicate with him is you are LONELY because of the "secret of the affair." Only he and you are aware of the relationship...so therefore, possibly, you tranferred all your projection on him, that ONLY HE is capable of understanding and why you are in the black pit. For obvious reasons you cannot explain, tell this to your husband. If this was an acceptable relationship, at least you would be able to depend on your supportive network (family, friends, etc..)..."them" telling YOU (drilling into your head) that the man is nothing less, more than a sack of ----.
Has it occurred to you that you equate the exMM as the one who got you into the pit...so possibly, you think/believe he is the only one who can get you out of it...to lend you a hand? Only you can help yourself.....but meanwhile, THAT man has to go. I believe if you really want to...you can change your number (tell your husband that a few telemarketing agencies been harassing you, etc..). What is most important is you take care of yourself, start to heal internally. This is the matter of "saving" yourself (psychologicallY)...otherwise, as long as you see THAT exMM troll, IT WILL BE HARDER for you to let go. Must I remind you that the xMM is an ASS----, eight notches lower than a jerk! Remember when you asked him to return your photos...he blew you off? Or the time you were supposed to meet with him on a Thursday...YOU had to call him, in which he could not LEAVE his house because of sheetrocking. HE IS RAT TURD, has no class. Jesus, you went through an abortion...the ASS---- treated as though you went in for a root canal. What the hell? As long as you remain in contact with him, he will destroy you due to his lack of standards, failure to adhere to the laws of human decency.
He cannot possibly be your friend!!! If he was your friend at its minimum, he would have (after your AB) been there for you every step of the way...being honest...that maybe perhaps the affair is over but at least, make attempts to meet with you, call you, RETURN YOUR PICTURES for gosh sake!!...instead of pulling the "little boy, self-righteous" acts, being stubborn, almost doing as much possible to prove that he hardly gave it a much blip of a thought that you went through an AB ALONE, emotionally.
Can you change your train schedules? Sadgirl, if you really want to fight this, to preserve yourself...you will do whatever necessary to heal internally. Go back to counseling...you need to talk to someone about the affair...communicating via e-mails is not enough. You need "physical" support, have someone listen to you. Find yourself another counselor...someone who will allow you to talk about the affair first, then go backwards (discussing your childhood...whether you accept this or not, but I do believe discussing our childhood is essential). In reality, I think you want to UNLOAD your "dirty secrets-the affair"...by carrying it around, all holed up inside of you, possible you might be punishing yourself. Do not do this.....forgive yourself, you made a BIG MISTAKE. Just concerned you will jump into another problem (having a child) without resolving the underlying ones...
Can you take a break? Go on a retreat or something? Go walking...put yourself on a daily regimen, ANYTHING to prove to yourself that ONLY YOU can help yourself...that you do not need .001% of exMM's assistance. You have to tell yourself that he no longer EXISTS! You might shoot me for saying this.....it sounds as though you were "sheltered"...never gotten yourself into a pit, others helped you through life...am I wrong? Please tell me I am wrong. Otherwise why would you allow yourself to be manipulated into believing "he" actually cares, wants to remain friends. Sadgirl...IT IS ON HIS TERMS. Thing is you know deep down he is "manipulating" you...but for some reason, you are discarding your inner instincts, rebelling against 'em. For some "inexplicable" reason, you are allowing yourself to trust him...as though he represents some "authoritative" figure. Why? Again, only you know this.
I am begging you to work through your problems...figure out why you got into an affair in the first place (something lacking in the marriage), disappointed in yourself (in terms of career, modeling...), the direction in your life, the move to the suburbs from the city.....only you can figure this out...BUT FIRST, diss the exMM from your mind...he is NOTHINg but a dumbass of a roadblock...blocking your move to drive ahead. Understand?
Beenthere
i remember reading your posts and i know your situation is a lot like mine.
i never thought i would have an A. om and i started as friends and after one year of just talking i asked him to kiss me. one thing led to another and we had ic about 4 times.
om broke it off with me in march but we continued to talk the im's.
om is getting married next week and to top it off i have to go to the wedding and my kids are walking.
recently he told me he never cared for me and what we did meant nothing to me. he told me to move on. he told me i had a great thing with my dh and not to mess it up.
his kind advise was diffiult for me because i feel in love with him.
i have tried to be kind with dh but i cant because i only think of om.
my dh left the house last monday. and even with him gone i still feel numb for him. i have no feelings and i dont know why. i know he is a great person but i dont feel for him the way i feel for om.
i went to C because i was lossing it and needed help. she advised that i had to pretend to love dh and with time i would get it back. i tried this before he left but it didnt work.
i hope seeing him get married can bring closure. i tried to send him an im today but he didnt repond which hurt me.
hopefully you can try what they advised me with your husband and maybe you can get the feeling back before its too late.
thanks for listening and good luck
I must say you are such a caring person, that I TRULY appreciate that you reach out to me!!!!!
For the past 3 weeks now, I have been in and out of depression. There are days when I feel great, energetic, don't think about xMM, and then there are days when I am so depressed, I am in my pijamas the whole day (on the weekends), wondering around like a lifeless puppy.
I am still trying to figure out why I got into this mess!? Maybe that is the reason why I can't let go of xMM. It's like a drug, you know it's bad for you, you know it can destroy you, yet you go back for more.
I know that I am just as much to blame for this A, as xMM is. I mean, I was the one who gave him my e-mail address first. In his first e-mail to me when he confessed that he found me attractive, yadda, yadda, and he said I don't have to respond, yet I did.
Maybe my M is lacking something. I don't know!? My H and I known each other for 12 years, married almost 10 yrs. now. I don't ever remember being as passionate with him even when we first met. The intimacy between me and my H is great at times, then there are times, when we go without IC for 2 weeks, or more.
I might have to find another therapist, maybe that was one of the reasons I cancelled my appointment this week, because somehow I didn't really feel she was helping me. I know therapy takes a long time and it's not going to be 1,2,3..., but I felt that the therapist kept on asking me about my family background, which I thought was irrelevant to my problems.
I don't know what you mean by being "sheltered", I don't think of myself as that. I have been hurt in ways like people making fun of me being VERY pale skinned, so I do get touchy when people tell me that. Also, this might sound selfish, but since I reached age 30, I am getting a bit nervous. I see my sister who is 40 and she is going crazy that no one looks at her anymore when she walks down the street and that being 40 is basically the end of her attraction. I know, I am married, which means I am off the market for good. But I think, women in general, do like it when we get complements. It makes us feel sexy!
Maybe that's one of the reasons why I hooked up with xMM. He gave me attention and since it's been so long anyone has looked at me the way he did, I guess that swept me off my feet.
xMM called me yesterday and left me a vm. I haven't called him back, which I never did before. Usually I would answer his call in an instant. Today he called again. I didn't answer again. I think he is getting nervous, that he is losing power over me, so he is calling more.
Yesterday when I got home from work, H and I spent some quality time together. I felt really bad, because I have neglected him in the past 3 weeks. Since the AB, we couldn't have IC, until the bleeding stopped. But he's been suffering because I constantly turn him down. The AB did cause me a heck of a lot of emotional pain. That is one of the reasons why I have been distant with my H.
I am trying, but I know I always break my promise as to not call xMM. I haven't caved in since yesterday though, which is a HUGE step for me so far.
Coming to this board also is a relief. I get to share my story and it's great to see I have support on the other end.
Thanks for being there for me. You are really a VERY good person!
Sadgirl
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