Sadgirl...are you around...

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Sadgirl...are you around...
19
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 6:18pm


Sadgirl:

I have read several of your posts and I assure you, I feel for you. What I am failing to understand is what attracted you to THAT MM, considering what you have delineated in lovesec's post (for those missing their MM)? The man, according to your description, was a dog from Day 1...you constantly had to call him, went out of your way for him...why? I can understand if he pursued you initially, pulled the honeymoon act until his moral conscience kicked in, whatever personal reasons...then the loss of attention, know what I mean? Curious to know, how long was the "courting" prior to the affair? Or was that built into the three-month affair?

Either way, if you are comfortable answering the questions, please do...all up to you. I do hope you will recover from this and BOUNCE back to life. In sum, I am sorry you hooked up with an all-around insensitive jackass.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 1:19pm
Beenthere,

<> ROFL....thank you for starting my day out with a good hard laugh. I love it! I am going to put this one in my "for future reference" file. ;)
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 1:47pm


Thanks...just wish I have known about it sooner versus wearing a pair of rose-colored glasses; in hindsight, would have kicked him back into the pond of scum. We guess we all learn.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 2:49pm


I hope you understand I have been there myself. I was a trainwreck and NO ONE could figure what was going on. Last X-mas was the worst and typically, I am the ONE who would push into making warm egg nog, apple cider, play all the X-mas music., be all jolly

"ho ho"..fun, exciting for my family. Not the last one...I was motionless, hardly talkative while everyone else were all merry, cheery. Get this...the exMM just few days prior to X-mas '03 hung up on me because his wife walked in...didn't even call to apologize. He was UPSET with me because I would not talk to him for several days after THAT...that I was unfair, etc..he shifted the blame on me and like a dumbass, I accepted it because I "thought" I loved him. Anyway, after that X-mas...I was slated to go skiing in Vermont...turned that down 'cause I was depressed...WHAT A WASTE!! I love to ski, etc.. I even turned down an opportunity to watch Law & Order marathon with my sister 'cause I "was not in the mood".

Granted, I am just as responsible for the affair. But the point is HE CONSISTENTLY LIED to me, could not be honest. Initially he was ALWAYS available via cell phone, e-mails...I will TELL YOU THIS...if he was not so readily accessible (made it too easy for me to depend on him- a complete bait & switch program), NO FRIGGIN WAY would I have succumbed to this affair, never. Once he thought he had me hooked...started to play with my mind, placing demands that I "prove" I am actually leaving my husband. In all, HE WAS NEVER THERE WHEN I NEEDED HIM. Meanwhile, he was feeding, reeling me with lines of "I love you..kissey, kissey poo, smooch smooch..." But when I was upset (rocking the apple cart), he ignored me...not available. However, he was ALWAYS available when he was pursuiing me. That is why today..as I sit here...I am boiling, all fake...he purposely candied the hook.

I have plenty of male friends...not ONE of them pulled what that man did. I was so naive...

Sadgirl, as I am writing this...I AM ANGRY, despise THAT man, want to pick up this laptop and throw it across the room. I never, ever dreamed I would end up feeling this way months ago...I swear- thought I was sooo in love with him, defended him (to myself, of course), neglected my husband...wanted so desperately to be with him. It took me awhile to finally see what this affair was all about...LIES and DECEITS, emotionally vapid, that I was screwing everything up, allowing THAT

sh-- to control me emotionally...that he never loved me. His words were/are empty...ALL WORDS but no actions. All talk.

It took months, stages for me to finally arrive here. It took vigilant NC, to remove myself from his "twisted, warped" spell.

Why did I linger on? I could not admit I made a mistake...that I disavowed my marital commitments because I genuinely believed the man's talk about me being his soulmate, etc.. At the time, it made perfect sense...we hit it off, could talk about anything...there he was, paying all kinds of attention (yes, always accessible) to me while my husband was emotionally unavailable. I wanted to desperately believe I was justified in having an affair...that THIS was an unique situtaion versus an easy-way out, another causalty of disastrous decision-making.

I do wonder when this anger phase will end......funny, the exMM is absolutely petrified of me. I mean he knows I will not do anything to hurt his life, etc...BUT he is aware that I can, am capable of saying terse things that will cut him to pieces (because I know his buttons)...he is extremely insecure. He is safe as long as he does not trespass onto my radar screen. In addition, I will not give him the satisfaction of witnessing me losing my temper.

I can assure you...he DOES WANT my friendship...well...first and foremost, he pissed that away by lying to me all the time. My best revenge is to help my family/friends, complete strangers rather than help him at a time when he needs most help more than ever. You are correct: what comes around, goes around.

Also, I owe a girlfriend for saving my bum. Remember the e-mail in which I explained he cancelled on me? He asked if he could postpone it for that weekend, the Saturday...I said yes. I briefly described my situation to a friend...and no, I did not say it was an affair. I suspect she picked it up but did not pressure me into "telling". To be honest, I have a feeling she had an affair years prior (she is 42 years of age)...was trying to protect me from digging myself a deeper hole. I told her I was thinking of seeing the xMM the coming Saturday.....she begged, begged me (and this was before I found out about this Board) to not see him...that it would create more problems..to "immediately" dump him. Throughout that day, she sent me e-mails checking up on me...still pleading with me to not see him. Anyway...the next day...I changed my number, etc.. Yes, I completely blew him off...This friend encouraged me to find closure on my own...that I DID NOT NEED HIM. Today, I am indebted to that friend of mine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 10:07am
Dear Beenthere,

I just posted another reply, see under "Can't take it much longer!" where I gave an update on xMM.

Just wanted to let you know as well, that I truly appreciate your support and feedbacks all the time.

I think of this A as a drug, or alcohol, which took over my life for a little while, but I was able to conquer it.

I feel great for now, but I am sure there will be days when I will feel down again. Hope it won't happen.

It's the longest I have gone not talking to him, and now that he senses that xMM has been calling me like a madman. Remember when I said in one of my earlier posts that xMM told me that the phone calls between me and him were getting to be a bit too much for him and that's why he started getting distant with me....so, now he's calling me like twice a day, leaving my vm's!???? I guess the phone calls were only "too much" for him when I called. Now that it's the other way around, he can't stomach that.

I can't thank you enough for your posts and support.

Sadgirl....soon to be changed to Happygirl :))))

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 11:54am


Yes, you are correct...he is calling because he knows he is "losing" control of you. Whatever you do, do not call him...it is a "trap." It is one of those "wants to have what he cannot have...". Clearly, you know this. Now you see (and force yourself to accept/believe this INTERNALLY- DO NOT RATIONALIZE HIS BEHAVIOR IN THE PAST...WILL NOT CHANGE, IS AN ASSH---, bottomline) he is running scared, that the "once sweet lady" who would drop anything to be with him NOW thinks he is worth less than dirt. He is dead meat NOW, haha..

Sadgirl...I beg of you to enforce this attitude on him, whatever it takes: that he is not worth your time.

As for your "loneliness"...figure out why you feel this. At times (I believe) this will give you the "false alarm" that you actually miss him...the lure of "drug," instant gratification. I know that feeling...explains why I hung on "longer" to my exMM, especially as though everything around me appears to be "falling down." I, for some inexplicable reason, thought of the exMM as a "safe blanket." Big mistake. Even last night...I felt kind of weak, could have sworn I felt this yearning for the exMM...my husband was out with his friends (on a Saturday night), felt he emotionally/physically abandoned me again. It was so EASY (like a drug as mentioned)...could have sent him (exMM) a little e-mail or called him. Trust me, I know he will respond very quickly. But then, I forced myself to think: why do/did I miss that sack of sh--? Recalled the time how he was "there" for me at the beginning (the honeymoon phase), so honey sweet, the "candied hook." Then I remembered the lies, the way how he (exMM) made me feel terrible that I was sneaking around behind my H (and the warped way of how he justified it- did not feel guilty cheating on his wife, geesh!), he pulled numerous tactics of emotional abuse (gaslighting if you want to call it that)...the hatred started to creep in. Finally after relaying some thoughts in my head for fifteen to twenty minutes, I said "over my dead body" that I give him the satisfaction of knowing that I still think of him (positive or/and negative).

Acknowledged that the "void" is due to fact that I am not fully content in my marriage (my husband is emotionally empty, sex with him is non-existent), not happy where I am in terms of graduate studies, financially and living thousands of miles away from my family and closest "childhood" friends. Do not need the exMM to fill the void and FURTHERMORE, make me feel worse. No thank you.

I do wonder when I will finally reach at the end of tunnel, in which I will never think of him, that he is just a figment of the past. I have a feeling it will be a long time...but currently waiting when the feeling of hatred will turn into a pool of indifference, might be several months.

Beenthere

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 1:33pm
I also thought the same thing. He sees that I am not reacting to his calls like I used to, which I am sure is driving him crazy. As I said, in the past, whenever he would call, I would answer his call in an instant. Now, he leaves me vm's and I don't even bother to call him back.

He was the one who said the phone calls were getting "too much" for him, now all of a sudden he is the one calling me like 3x a day.

It is definitely about control. He had control over me, but now I have to take control over the situation.

I am trying my best. Like I said, this is the LONGEST I have gone without talking to him.

Thanks again for the support!!!!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 3:23pm


Another thing...been thinking. Read your several posts...curious to know why all of a sudden you are happy? Trust me, I assume you are finally coming out of the fog after realizing what the exMM is all about, out of his clutches...can see life is much better without him.

Just afraid the happiness might be part of the "high" knowing that the table has been reversed...you now have control. The lure of affairs can be about "control."

I want to be certain that the happiness you were referring to is long-term, stabilized...I hope you will think about this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 3:37pm
These past 3 weeks for me have been a disaster. First the break up with xMM, then finding out about my pregnancy, depression, distant with H, etc.

Since realizing that xMM was really after just only thing, I now see that I don't wanna be used as a sex object anymore.

Especially this weekend has put the smile back on my face. My H has been just fantastic with me. He knows the emotional pain I went through with the AB. He's been there for me all the way! I also felt bad, because H and I haven't been intimate in weeks, mainly because we couldn't until the AB was final, but also because I have been distant with him.

Last week especially I felt really bad, because H has been trying to be affectionate towards me, and I kept on pushing him away. Even though we couldn't have IC, but at least he wanted to do other stuff (if you know what I mean?). So, finally he just said, "I want you so bad, it's driving me crazy!" I realized that H is just as much passionate towards me in the bedroom, but I never took notice of that. H has been also saying to me, that after all these years we've been together, he is still crazy in love with me and that I am so hot, etc.

He has been trying so hard to cheer me up and Friday when I came home from work, he made this 5 star dinner for me, candle light, the whole nine yards.

Saturday we went to a photo shoot together and all and all I have been just enjoying being with H and not thinking about xMM anymore.

I also hope that this happiness is not just a rush and won't go away.

Believe me, by now, I would be running to my cell phone and dialing xMM's #. Haven't done that in days.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 5:58pm


Okay. If you ever feel that you are "weakening" (from what you are telling me, sounds to me it will not be an issue), PLEASE come to the board.

If only I have known about this board MONTHS ago...could have saved me from grief, aye!

Remember, you will continue to do well as long as that exMM is dead meat. He is toxic, regardless. However, circumstances might have been different if you and he were both "single"...at the end of the day, all irrelevant. Focus on your reality: husband/marriage, self-esteem, profession, etc.. I wish you the bestest luck!!

Beenthere

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