Safety when ending your A

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Safety when ending your A
4
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 6:47pm

Hello All,

Reading some of the more recent posts, it occurred to me that we ought to have a thread that addresses some of the safety concerns that can arise for women when: (1) there is a Dday; and/or (2) when we go NC.

There have been more than a few posters who have expressed safety concerns with their husbands (upon discovery and as time passes) and xAP (stalking, harassment, threats etc...).

Others may have different opinions, but I think for some women, blocking and walking, and/or being supportive of their Husband's pain isn't enough.

Sometimes behaviors are abusive and we let them continue because we think they are acceptable given what we have done. Sometimes we try to take care of others because we feel so full of regret and pain for the devastation that we have caused, that we fail to consider our own needs. I know some people here might think we don't have a right to have our needs considered, but I disagree.

Setting healthy emotional and physical boundaries has been an issue for all of us here on the board, or we wouldn't be here.

Time and again I resist the urge to post a reply about a spouse's actions stepping outside the range of 'normal'. Normal behavior is certainly a construct, in that each of us knows what our normal looks like, but taking emotional abuse as part of our 'punishment' is not acceptable. Feeling deserving of all the crap that comes at you, day and night, isn't okay either.

Additionally, trying to let an affair partner down gently isn't our responsibility either.

So, perhaps we need to generate a list of suggestions for posters who are wondering what steps/boundaries can be put in place if there are concerns about those two scenarios: 1) Husbands' (on-going) concerning behaviour (that is after the initial phase of shock, pain & anger) and 2) and xAP who 'won't' let go.

This may seem alarmist to some, but leaving a relationship is the most dangerous time for women. As well, the discovery of an A is also a high risk time for women as it goes against our entire culture's understanding about women.

So here are a few SUGGESTIONS from me when there are red flags:

1) Find one person you TRUST, even if it is a therapist, who you can tell about your affair & name your AP, and ANY concerns you have for your safety. EAS doesn't count - I suggest this for concerns with H or with xAP.

2) Put personal limits on how much talking about the A you can manage. I know that husbands can demand on-going information relentlessly, but it is okay in a healthy relationship, to ask that these sessions have parameters - time, place and space for appropriate discussion. Wearing yourself down emotionally can lead to things being said without considering the consequences.

3) Create ground rules: no name calling, throwing or smashing of household items etc ...

4) With xAP, alter daily routines, block & walk (of course), stay consistent, in some cases it may be required to review with small children rules about going with strangers.

5) Have on hand crisis line numbers, and have a plan about where you would go in an emergency and what you would need to have with you if you could not return home for 48 hours (medications etc ...), how you would get there. Never leave without your children unless your life depends on it.

This weekend was the annual basketball tournament in honor of two young girls who were killed in our community by their father during a separation.

Not to be alarmist, but we have dabbled in the most dangerous type of 'relationship' and I don't want us to be caught off guard, or to minimize the risks of any one woman's situation.

My best,

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Wed, 06-09-2010 - 12:42am

Thank you. This is excellent advice for a forum where we are trying to remember to put ourselves first. AND, great advice for moms of kids. No matter our own screwed up relationships, we need to be healthy and strong for our kids and loved ones who depend on us and that means having a plan to keep ourselves safe and secure.


The reason it is called "Crime of Passion" is the passion part and that is unpredictable.


Thank you again.


Trying to heal...


-L

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 06-09-2010 - 3:35pm

Thanks

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Wed, 06-09-2010 - 3:52pm

E1,

I agree with your post entirely: and I am all for saving marriages when that's the mutual goal, and where the (mostly & on-going) behaviors of those involved reflect that.

Just a word of caution: my experience with therapists, personally and more relevantly professionally, is that they often work from within dominant cultural paradigms reflecting sexist and misogynist ideas about women, men & relationships. Therapists without a background in woman abuse (in my opinion) often minimize the risks, find ways to blame her and focus on personal awareness as the answer to the on-going issue. I also see too many couples go to marriage counseling where it is an issue of abuse, and the therapist is not skilled enough to see the power imbalance playing out in front of them. As a practice, we always suggest individual counseling before MC when there are concerns.

As always, you're amazing!

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou




Edited 6/9/2010 9:00 pm ET by transcendingus
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 06-09-2010 - 6:00pm

<>


HA! Good thing I did not get one of those. …huh? That would have been a short session with me burning rubber outta the driveway and flashing my newly manicured finger from GMLB’s EAS School


<>


The tide may be turning as in another forum on two separate occasions MC’s told two separate female posters they were in an abusive situation and needed to get out. In both cases, it was emotional abuse but both MC’s saw the potential for it to escalate to more.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.