Said he'd call and didn't, I feel GREAT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Said he'd call and didn't, I feel GREAT!
8
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 2:20am
For any of you who may be following my story. My 6 yr. affair ended abruptly one day in the begining of Sept. because I simply failed to call him back one day (he's a controller). He was nasty and mean, when I told him that I have never been so hurt he accused me of being dramatic. We got together early Oct. because I needed closure. He asked if we could be friends.

Since then he has emailed and IM'ed me calling me "babe" and trying to initiate conversations relating to all the physical things he loves about our relationship (of course). He asked if we could "get together" and when I suggested lunch (he had other plans), he cancelled the next day. He has emailed me twice to say that he will call me. I never received a phone call. I am so proud of myself for not being the crazy, insane person I used to be whenever he failed to see me or call when promised.

I've learned that when he says he wants to get together with me or he says he will call me, that is a sure fire way that it WONT happen. I just roll my eyes and say to myself, "or not". I've seen him online but I've blocked him and haven't made myself available for contact. He even emailed me with lame excuses as to why he didn't call and I never responded. I am feeling better and better every day but I don't want to feel too cocky. I know oh too well how fast any one of us could "fall off the wagon". I need cheers and support from my sisters out there.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 5:51am
cowgirl,

I envy your position. Some of us aren't as lucky as to get to the place where you are yet. The most important thing you have said is that

<>!

Now you are the one in control! But you aren't trying to control a dead end relationship with this narcissist...YOU are controlling you!

Feels great to be the controller as opposed to the controllee, huh?

6 years, huh? Mine was 9 months and I am only on day 2 of NC. For the second time. The first was only 6 days so I didn't have too awfully much to ruin. How long ago did you stop things? I need all the role models I can get!

Cheers to you Cowgirl...keep up the good work...us newbees need all the positive reinforcement we can get. Hearing he didn't call and it makes someone feel great? Music to our ears. Feeling great is a great reason to continue NOT continuing the A!

THANK YOU!

Keep posting with updates!

Need2

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 8:24am
Need2b...

I know that you are looking for support on day 2 of NC and I am looking for the same. The only difference is that I broke my NC after only 5 days. I want to be disgusted with myself, but the conversation was such a nice one that I don't even regret my actions.

My OM and I would like to think that we have a future once he ends his long-term, live-in relationship and I end my marriage, but it is a long road ahead and I'm not sure I have that kind of patience. My therapist believes that there is a "glimmer" of hope for us to make it, but she told me the only way for that to happen is to truly make him miss me and hope that he will take steps to end his relationship. I am fairly sure that my marriage will end regardless of his situation. I have been married for 16 years.

Anyway, I hope that you find strength to continue NC this time. It is SO HARD. And reading these posts seems to prove that NC really does work. I simply wonder how long it takes before we don't feel that dire need to call or to accept calls.

I've been advised by my therapist to tell myself to wait at least 15 minutes before giving in to the urge to call. And to find other things that make me happy to fill the time when we would normally speak. Sounds like good advice but easier said than done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 9:21am
Yes, you may fall off the wagon - we all do. But now you know you will get right back on, and not look back. You know you have the strength and power to do this, and if you keep preventing him from contacting you, soon he will stop trying. YOU are the one in control now - doesn't it feel great?!

You are doing a great job - keep taking care of yourself, you deserve it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 9:22am
Islandgirl I totally understand what you are saying. I have been in the relationship with my OM for about 9 months. But I know that I feel for him because of the treatment he was giving me while the one I was with didn't and as soon as that "special treatment" began to fade I tried to let my feelings fade with it. I know it sounds easier said than done but I have a big PRIDE issue, and the way that I coached myself through it was by telling myself if he doens't need to speak to me than I don't need to speak to him, and if he can go days without speaking to me I can go days without speaking to him. Finding something else to fufill your time is definitely KEY! Even if its running to the mall with a girlfriend or out to dinner. Its something that you enjoy and though he may still be on your mind HE DOESN'T know that, and after a while you will see that while trying to show him that you don't need him you will begin to realize it yourself. So stick with that advice because it really does give results.

Good Luck and don't worry just be strong and everything will work out, even if you want to still try to make things work with the OM this is the starting point like your therapist said make him miss you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 9:55am
You can be sure that only one thing will happen..............................

When you continue to NOT REPLY to him, he will go away!

My A also lasted 6 years and there still are times during which I'm totally shocked about how easily and at the speed of light, MM went away once I stopped responding and communicating with him!

The best part is that once you accept him being out of your life, your self-esteem will grow with each passing day and in a short period of time, you will realize what a total waste of time and effort the past 6 years have been. Don't beat yourself up over those 6 wasted years because like me, I'm certain you have learned a lot about yourself and about what you deserve.

Life is about learning from our mistakes and improving ourselves in the process.

GOOD LUCK and stay determined.................NO CONTACT! NO CONTACT!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 11:18am
Do you ever go through periods of being angry? Maybe that is all part of the healing process. My 3 year affair with MM ended two weeks ago. I began NC immediately. We both work for the same company - fortunately, in different states. He has contacted me a couple times - totally business - although it appeared the call was only to get a feel for how I was handling the break up. He could have contacted anyone with the "business" questions he was asking me so it seemed to just be an excuse. I remained totally polite and professional and did not sway from the questions at hand. He of course was unbelievably nice. He ended the A with me two weeks ago via email saying that it was just too much, but that he still wanted to be friends. That was following a conversation that we had on the phone where I guess he tried to impress me with the fact that he had slept with someone while out of town on business. Said it was a payback for his wife who he recently caught having an affair. I told him I did not want to be with him, if he was going to be sleeping around. For me it had always been about him -- I liked him. I wasn't just out sleeping around with whoever I thought was hot and by him doing that I no longer felt safe being with him. He accused me of judging him, ended the conversation and sent me the just be friends email. I am better off with him out of my life. It just makes me angry that he can treat me badly and have no remorse when I have always been very supportive of him and very giving. Thanks for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 11:44am
<<<<>>>

Shay,

YES!!! Anger is part of the healing process. I am 5 months out of the affair, and I still have to deal with anger periodically. Only now it's not toward XMM, but toward myself. It is perfectly natural to have these feelings....The best advice I can offer is this:

Don't ignore them. Feel them, no matter how painful they may be. Try to connect the dots as to why you are experienceing them. I am having one of those "anger" days myself, but I KNOW it will pass. Anger is conducive to "forgiving" as you will soon find out. I have forgiven XMM because he only acted out on the script I handed him. I allowed him to have me. In all honesty, the "evil-doer" is typing this post. I need to completely forgive myself. Until I can do that, anger will rear it's ugly head once in a while.

Feel your emotions and then let them go, one day at a time. I promise it DOES get easier.

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 9:06pm
Hey There Cowgirl,

I am so proud of you and happy for your strenth. Believe me, I know what you are feeling and regaining control over yourself and over your life feels fantastic.

There were several factors which all came together for me in ending my A, which I have told you before was three years, but one of the main factors was that I finally had enough of XMM's moods and his expectations of always controling me and controling our relationship. If he was in a good mood then he was fun and sweet and a great lover, but if he was in a bad mood, he would treat me like there was nothing intimate between us or never had been. I finally had enough of it too, just as you have, and it was as if he finally just killed those feelings inside me with his controling manner and manipulation and self centered personality.

I made a point to have a little contact with him as possible until he finally got another job outside my office. He still calls me to chit chat and I know if I give him any encouragement at all, he will want more than that, so I keep the calls very brief and strictly on work related matters. I don't think he could tempt me back in at this point, but I don't want to put myself in that situation, so be careful with you XMM and if you have to have conatct with him, keep it very brief. If you don't work together, then hopefully you won't have to have contact with him at all.

We are too good for these jerks to treat us so badly ;lus, we have husbands and families who truly love us in the way real love should be. We don't need the xMM's crap.

Hang in there girl. I was hoping to read a good posting from you on here.

Keep it up.

IP