I'm glad you decided to post your story - I read a few responses you had posted to others. I have to run to a meeting, but I wanted to welcome you before I left. We're all here for you.
Good for you in coming forward and telling us your story. Sadly you are right, as it is the same old story, just different characters. I'd like to officially welcome you to Endings. ;-)
10 years is a very long time, but as you wrote, it has been fading into the sunset slowly but surely. They always do, honey. At least you finally got it out of him what was going on, but understand, you cannot believe anything an AP says. There could be many reasons for why he was pulling back, from feeling guilty to having found another woman to stroke his ego. The thing is, it doesn't matter. It was an affair, and there are no rules in this game.
I commend you for not going out to dinner as that was the first step in taking back some control. Now you have to block him from your email unless it is used for work purposes too. In that case, you will be playing Russian Roulette in whether they are professional or personal, but either way, make sure NOT to further respond to any of the personal ones. He will get the message through your silence.
If you have been reading here for a while then you know you cannot be friends with an XAP. Men have a harder time understanding this because to them, that is what you were all along. <<>>. It didn't matter if the conversations got hot and steamy because this is just something they get off on. (my apologies to any guys who had deep feelings for their XAP). I am just trying to help GP understand that her XAP's denial of having EA is not unusual.
I hope you stick around and post when you can, and most definitely keep reading here whenever you are having a tough day. Ending is a process and after 10 years, it's going to take a while to get XMM out of your system.
Thanks for sharing your story, I also shared mine today and it has felt really good - a positive step forward.
Our stories are almost opposite to each other, yours being a EA and mine being a PA. But maybe there are similarities in both our XMM.
Mine was only ever able to have a physical affair, he was not able to say anything personal to me (other than relating to sex - not sure if you can count that as personal), open up to me, be friends with me or be affectionate with me. This was until we finished the PA and decided to become friends, then he was able to do the above, not on a grand scale, but a lot more than before, but then there was definitely no flirting, sex texting, sexual innuendos, nothing.
I think my XMM justified what we were doing this way. From a few things he said when we were friends and reading between the lines, I think he and his W were having sexual problems. Therefore, he did not feel so guilty just having sex with me. I always imagined that if he got caught, he would justify it by saying we were just having sex that is literally it - no emotional stuff - just sex. I think he thought of himself as a cheater with a conscious because of this.
Maybe your XMM needs to have a friend, someone to confide in - maybe he is not communicating so well at home. This is how he deals with the guilt of what he is doing. Maybe it then became more and he couldn't deal with it so pulled back. I don't think it is anything to do with us, just what is going on for them.
Although I say that these may be the reasons XMM (and myself) got involved in affairs, I do not believe it is right and once I have got past the addiction element of the affair, I hope to look at why I dealt with my problems this way.
I'm not sure how much help I've been. I'm still finding my way with everything and trying to find the right words - I'm a bit worried I'll say the wrong thing.
I wanted to respond to you and say welcome though.
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Hi Green :)
I'm glad you decided to post your story - I read a few responses you had posted to others. I have to run to a meeting, but I wanted to welcome you before I left. We're all here for you.
Bodhi
GP,
Good for you in coming forward and telling us your story. Sadly you are right, as it is the same old story, just different characters. I'd like to officially welcome you to Endings. ;-)
10 years is a very long time, but as you wrote, it has been fading into the sunset slowly but surely. They always do, honey. At least you finally got it out of him what was going on, but understand, you cannot believe anything an AP says. There could be many reasons for why he was pulling back, from feeling guilty to having found another woman to stroke his ego. The thing is, it doesn't matter. It was an affair, and there are no rules in this game.
I commend you for not going out to dinner as that was the first step in taking back some control. Now you have to block him from your email unless it is used for work purposes too. In that case, you will be playing Russian Roulette in whether they are professional or personal, but either way, make sure NOT to further respond to any of the personal ones. He will get the message through your silence.
If you have been reading here for a while then you know you cannot be friends with an XAP. Men have a harder time understanding this because to them, that is what you were all along. <<>>. It didn't matter if the conversations got hot and steamy because this is just something they get off on. (my apologies to any guys who had deep feelings for their XAP).
I am just trying to help GP understand that her XAP's denial of having EA is not unusual.
I hope you stick around and post when you can, and most definitely keep reading here whenever you are having a tough day. Ending is a process and after 10 years, it's going to take a while to get XMM out of your system.
(((Hugs))
~Iddy~
Welcome GP
Thanks for sharing your story, I also shared mine today and it has felt really good - a positive step forward.
Our stories are almost opposite to each other, yours being a EA and mine being a PA. But maybe there are similarities in both our XMM.
Mine was only ever able to have a physical affair, he was not able to say anything personal to me (other than relating to sex - not sure if you can count that as personal), open up to me, be friends with me or be affectionate with me. This was until we finished the PA and decided to become friends, then he was able to do the above, not on a grand scale, but a lot more than before, but then there was definitely no flirting, sex texting, sexual innuendos, nothing.
I think my XMM justified what we were doing this way. From a few things he said when we were friends and reading between the lines, I think he and his W were having sexual problems. Therefore, he did not feel so guilty just having sex with me. I always imagined that if he got caught, he would justify it by saying we were just having sex that is literally it - no emotional stuff - just sex. I think he thought of himself as a cheater with a conscious because of this.
Maybe your XMM needs to have a friend, someone to confide in - maybe he is not communicating so well at home. This is how he deals with the guilt of what he is doing. Maybe it then became more and he couldn't deal with it so pulled back. I don't think it is anything to do with us, just what is going on for them.
Although I say that these may be the reasons XMM (and myself) got involved in affairs, I do not believe it is right and once I have got past the addiction element of the affair, I hope to look at why I dealt with my problems this way.
I'm not sure how much help I've been. I'm still finding my way with everything and trying to find the right words - I'm a bit worried I'll say the wrong thing.
I wanted to respond to you and say welcome though.
Hugs INT x
Hi Phoenix, and welcome. That decrease in attention is pretty painful - I just went through it too.
Jdv,
<<
~Iddy~
Thanks Bodhi
I have read some of your posts as well and appreciate the wisdom you have to share.
Thanks Iddy
I am now realizing I cannot believe anything he says...thank you for solidifying that thought for me.
Hi-
I read your story yesterday and found it so similar to mine that as I was typing to you I asked myself why I wasn't sharing my own.
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