Saw his car tonight...
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 02-11-2010 - 4:21am |
Hopefully not too many of you will think this is a pointless post (?!) but I feel the need to write this down and get it out there so I can forget about it and move on with the healing process.
A very trivial thing happened to me tonight, but it made me feel a way that's shown me I have a long way to go in regards to how I feel about xAP. I haven't actually seen xAP since 12th Dec, last time I talked with him was 17th Jan with complete NC starting 18th Jan. Anyway, tonight I was driving my kids home from drum practice and xAP's car was parked in the small shopping centre which is not far down the road from my house. There is a pub there that his cricket club sometimes go to on Thursday nights for team selection and dinner. xAP actually lives about 15 mins drive away, so the chances of me ever seeing him on a day to day basis in my area of town are next to nothing.
I was surprised how seeing just his car parked there made me feel. I suddenly felt hot and my heart started beating faster. I felt like bursting into tears. We got home and my kids went and did their own things, and I thought to myself how easy it would be to just go down there and wait for xAP so I could see him/talk to him - this is the week my H is away at work so I am alone so much of the time. But no, no way. Instead, I jumped onto Facebook hoping my DH was on after work, which he was :) I told him straight away what I saw and how I felt. He was wonderful, thanked me for telling him and told me it would be okay and I will be okay. Somehow I HATE knowing exactly where xAP is, I can barely deal with knowing he's at work each day (I used to work with him there too) but sitting here knowing he is just down the road right now is so difficult :(
So I'm reminding myself of those girls whose xAP's are neighbours/work colleagues etc etc and how they have managed to end their A's and get on with their lives. Kudos to you all. I will NOT undo all this work I have already done and I will NOT put myself in a position where I (and my DH) could be hurt so so much more...

Hi Bestrong,
I am so proud of you that you didn't walk down the road to where xAP was. I know this is an extremely difficult urge to resist, but you did it!!!! *applauding wildly* :-) . I am one of the girls here whose xAP is the neighbor and it's so difficult to stop yourself from walking those few steps to his house. So I am really really proud of you!!! Well done!!!
Hugs
Htgo
((Bestrong))
<>
I don't think you even realize just how far you have come, honey. Needing to share a car sighting shows such strength and dedication toward your rebuilding. I am so very proud of you.
If you do an advanced search on LovelyStarr's posts, she wrote a few re. seeing XMM's car and Messenger had some good responses for her. It all has to do with that damn adrenaline rush that leaves us shaking with sweaty palms. We get that fight or flight rush where our psyche battles it out as to whether we are going to react to what the eyes see, or run in the opposite direction. Usually we just stand there paralyzed until we get our senses back enabling us to move again. ;-)
Anyhow, you did the right thing by looking for H. Try not to be too upset with how you reacted seeing his car. Heck, those first few months I had to walk into this office had me wigging every day, but time made that more bearable, like it does for most things.
((Hugs))
~ Iddy~
~Iddy~
WOW thank-you for posting that - not pointless from where I am sitting. On my way home from work the other night I saw his car and another car,where my car used to be and I'm sure doing what I used to do. I always knew that day would come and have tried to prepare myself for it. It's his office and on the one road I can't avoid on my way to and from work.It still hit hard and tears came, but I didn't slow down or go by again (in the old days I would have done that or called him). Kudos to you for staying on course.
I agree in that I also think of those who must work together - that takes real strength. He occasionally does some work where I work but never in my part of the building. For that I am very grateful.
Thanks again for sharing; you helped me!
You have come so far!! How wonderful that you turned to your H for support and he GAVE it to you. Lucky, lucky woman. Lucky H. Blessings and march on, Girl. You're going great, even if you're hurting!
x
Dee