Scared and Ashamed

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
Scared and Ashamed
8
Thu, 10-08-2009 - 2:42pm

I'm new here and was afraid to post for fear of the backlash I may receive. I've being having an affair with a MM for over four years now. We have a 18month old. The beginning of this year his wife found out. Threaten to leave but didn't, he decided to end the affair and work on his marriage.

Since then he has secretly been seeing me and my daughter (not sexual) she wants him to have nothing to do with us. He found out last month she too had an affair with a man over the last year or so and she has now decided because we have a child together (they do not) she would rather be with the other man.

He has moved out but has said he is not ready to start another relationship, he has to get his head together. I'm deeply in love with him, but I am afraid to think of being with him because I feel like when he made the choice to work on his marriage he didn't chose me and I would only be what he's settling for.

The wife called me last night, told me she wasn't angry with me, that their marriage failed long before I came along. She said she surprised how much he does for his daughter because she was under the impression he didn't want any kids and she couldn't have any. She said she has been telling him for the last few months he needs to be with his family and he knows it has been over between them.

why is he not running to us? He said he loves her and can only see her right now. Am I being a fool for waiting for him to love me? I want to move on but I can't. I feel stuck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
In reply to: hush12
Thu, 10-08-2009 - 3:11pm

Hi Hush,


I think the best forum for you to post would be After the Affair Support (AAS).


If you post over there, I will answer you.


What I have to say would not be appropriate here. People here are here to end A's. Your A is over other then a possible EA since you stayed in contact.


Hope to see your post in the other forum :)


E1


Whether you think you can or you think you cant you are probably right.


A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.


Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
In reply to: hush12
Thu, 10-08-2009 - 4:47pm

Hi hush,

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry you're in this situation. A lot of things factor into the decision to end a marriage, not just the relationship with the other spouse.

Right now the thought of suddenly being a full-time parent is probably scaring your (x)AP to death. In these situations men tend to hole up and run away for a while. My advice would be to stay away from him for awhile and cut contact, let him land on his feet and see what happens. There's no need to hurt yourself even more by having him hang around while he's undecided.

In the meantime you need to figure out how you will move on. The worst thing you can do for you and your daughter right now is to be stuck in limbo-land; you need to live your life fully and not be on standby mode for him. Life is too short! Use the no contact time to maybe get some therapy and try to put everything into perspective, putting you and your daughter in the center.

Obviously since you have a daughter there's a strong chance that (x)AP will remain in your life in some form for a long while. But that certainly doesn't mean that you need to put YOUR life on standby for him. You certainly deserve better than that.

Big hugs,

trixie xo



"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.”
Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2009
In reply to: hush12
Thu, 10-08-2009 - 8:09pm
I am so sorry. I can feel how bad you are hurting in your post. He is the bad person in this situation. Although I don't condone you dating a married man. He is the one who broke his vows to his partner. He obviously does not know what he wants and it is a shame that he has caused so much damage. Now he has 3 people that he hurt badly. His wife, his daughter, and you. I can't act too high and mighty because I was the one who stepped outside my marriage. But I will say I was deeply in love with my XAP. In fact I met him long before my husband. I always held on to the idea that my XAP and I were supposed to be together even when I aggreed to mary my H. My XAP strung me along for so long he knew all the right things to say and do. In the end you have to realize that people like him and your XAP are selfish and dont care about who they hurt and the bad thing about it is I don't think they realize it. Thank God I owned up to my affair and my H forgave me. I realized I was being selfish like my XAP and I know have forgiven myself and began the healing process. You too need to heal and realize that you deserve more than what he is able to give you. Also you need to heal so you can be whole and strong for your daughter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
In reply to: hush12
Fri, 10-09-2009 - 12:01pm

welcome, hush


you won't get a backlash here. we've all btdt.....

CL-Lovely Starr

"No memory of having starred; atones for later disregard; or keeps the end from being h

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
In reply to: hush12
Sun, 10-11-2009 - 2:06pm
I feel so bad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
In reply to: hush12
Sun, 10-11-2009 - 5:15pm

Hush,


Please stop doing things for him.

Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
In reply to: hush12
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 9:55am
I don't think I'm ready...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
In reply to: hush12
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 12:07pm

Alright Honey but realize that you are only hurting yourself.

Onward and upward.