Scared to move forward

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Scared to move forward
4
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 2:13pm

Ive been MIA from this board for a few weeks and its time to come back. I NEED to come back. Guess I thought that I could push all these feelings and thoughts to the side and still move forward. Not so successful in making that happen so here I am scared and at a low point.


Xap and I are LC and I was doing pretty good putting on my "I could care less about you" game face till he wanted to talk to me about

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 3:10pm

Hi GML,


<>


Those are boundary issues and you now know from experience that sharing personal info. with xAP is a bad idea. It leads things in the wrong direction.


But I don’t think that is the major issue here. The rest of your post reflects where your real struggles are.


I experienced some of the same fears you did and 2.5 yrs out from the A if my husband shows any signs or returning to his old behaviors which existed pre- A, it affects me immediately. I have to stop and remember he is not perfect and has shown me over time that he has changed. The important thing I’ve learned is keeping the lines of communication open so if I see a behavior that concerns me, we address it and he does the same with me. I have to be careful to not only point out faults but I make sure to tell him all the things he is doing right and vice versa.


There are no guarantees. My husband took a risk as he did not know if I would be faithful in our M as I had shown him even if it was only for a brief time in our then 20+ year M that I was capable of not being that.


I know that your H has shown you negative behaviors over a long period of time during your M and your morally corruptive behavior was probably only for a brief time during the M. I get that you feel in some cases you are taking a bigger risk because his selfishness and lack of attention was exhibited over a longer span.


That being said, anytime you have two parties that are willing to make changes and recommit and rebuild a M. There is a very good chance that you both will be successful.


In order to have that “connection” with your H, it will take you first being able to forgive him for all of the hurts he caused from his behavior in the M.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 3:47pm

GMLB,

E1 has offered you excellent advice and did so back earlier in February when you were asking the same questions. It's always important to go back and read our previous posts to see if we are stuck on the same issue. The only difference now is that you've talked to XMM again and this has hurt your progress. It is of utmost importance to maintain NC, no matter what. As E1 said, "It leads things back in the wrong direction." Retracing steps that were made in the mud will only track more mud into your life.

You also mentioned a few weeks ago that your H was thinking about therapy too. Did he ever follow through? IMO, the two of you need to seek therapy if your goal is to have a stronger M with better communication.

I'm glad you came back for more support. Weekends are slow but you struck gold with having E1 here today. I am not married and wouldn't have been able to offer up such sound advice and insights.

((Hugs))

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 3:50pm

Its amazing how little of a conversation we can have with xap's and the amount of fog that comes in. It almost looks like your putting urself at a crossroad to choose- xap or H again. Youve already made that choice ,stand by it.

<> So what is stopping you from doing that? what has changed?

I know exactly how you feel in regards to things working out with H. My marriage sounded like yours..not paying attention, fear of things returning to the way they were, the sex issue..just so much.

<>
Trust- you have to be willing to let yourself trust him, trust that things will continuely improve. Trust is earned and not given but you have give abit for it to be earned. Its hard, but it comes allittle at a time.

<>
For me, focus on you, healing you, loving you, forgiving yourself, trusting yourself, focus on what you want the positives in your life to be. The rest will fall in place-whatever that may be.And youll deal with that. Having xap in the picture is only going to prolong your healing.Youve express many times in ur post that you want things to work with ur M; put ur energy into you and your M and move on. You have ur H on board again- go with that, if things go back to the way they were then you can change that at that time, but youll know that xap had nothing to do with your M-he was just the product of the problems.Without xap you can move on to healthier relationships.

My heart goes out to you because I hear so much of me in your post.
Hope this helps in some way
Hugs
Debbra

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 2:14pm

All of you are spot on in your advice and thoughts. Iddy, you are so darn perceptive that it amazes me and E1, your advice has helped me more than you know.


My A was my break from RL, it was my chance to forget all the bad points of my marriage, points that I tried to fix but couldnt on my own, H needed to step up and didnt. The A was a chance to get all of the appreciation and validation that I had been missing for so long and craved for so long. Once the A was over, I had to go back to paying attention to a marriage where it was one sided. It was back to a marriage where I felt, and still feel like, I am the only captain at the helm.


I can see that H is trying but he has never been one to nuture a relationship or be open with his thoughts and feelings. To me, his avoidence, feels like he doesnt care enough to address me or anything within our marriage and the A made it so I didnt really care. We could co exist, I got my validation elsewhere and H didnt have to discuss anything. Well,