Scared of my feelings
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| Mon, 03-29-2004 - 2:38pm |
That brings me to why I posted. A mutual friend of ex-MM, and mine which happens to be a co-worker of mine told me that he saw ex-MM on Friday. At a restaurant across the street from where I work. He had to have been visiting someone here at my job. I think it's not going to be very long before I run into him. I feel he would go out of his way to let me see him with someone else. And, I'm scared, that once I see him with someone else, all the pain and hurt will resurface. One of the reasons that I stayed with him so long is.......I thought as soon as I gave up on our relationship, he would divorce his W, and make some other woman a wonderful mate. He would give her all the love and attention that I wanted from him for years. You know I'm dying to find out why he was here. I think if I saw him with some one else I would totally loose it. I don't want to go through that pain ever again.

Even as you keep moving forward, every now and then there's an urge to look in the rear-view mirror and wonder what they're (xMM/xOW, etc.) doing or feeling.
The urge to do so, I've found, does diminish over time, albeit at time at the slowest pace, slower than a snail. And even then, years later the "Gee, I wonder what they're up to" thought crosses the brain wave.
I get it some 27 years later from that first affair. And most of the others, at different times.
Just roll with the thought---momentarily--- and send it back into the stratos. It will pass.
The windshield is always larger than the rear-view mirror. Keep looking forward...........
cl-nre
Over the summer, XMM and I made plans to spend the evening together. He wanted to come over at around 8 or 9 pm, me knowing how late he usually runs, I suggested he show up in the 10pm hour. He insisted 9. He didn't call me that night till midnite. Like almost on the dot. And when I answered the phone he had the nerve to say "I know I'm a couple of hours late." I was highly annoyed, but I just said it was no problem, "thanks for at least calling" and I told him I had company (which thank goodness I did have someone over) and that perhaps we could get together another time. Do you know how badly I wanted to see him!!!??? How much I had missed him? And in a way I was a little mad, I could have very easily went in the complete opposite direction and threw a tantrum. After my friend left I felt incredibly lonely and cried a little but at least in the line of fire I was able to keep my cool. Later XMM said he was surprised I didn't get mad at him. I played it off and said it was no big deal.
You can do it too. You can see your XMM face to face and no matter what you feel inside you can remain calm, cool, and collected; and be not affected by his little games. Then when he's out of sight and ear shot you can kick and scream all you want. You'll be all right. =)
I'll let you guys in on a secret.......I'm seriously considering the gastric bypass surgery. Over the course of this 17 year affair, the pain, guilt, and most of all depression has caused me to eat myself to a whopping 120 lbs over weight. Anyway, I haven't totally decided yet, but I'm considering it.
--Luna
Somewhere deep inside, I do want XMM to find happiness. I just want so much more for MY life than what he is willing to give. He's just not the man for me.