Scared of my feelings

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Scared of my feelings
6
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 2:38pm
It's been 29 days of NC. I wish I could say that I don't think about ex-MM, but there is not a day that doesn't go by that I don't think of him. I wonder what he is doing? I wonder what his life is like without me. I would be lying if I said that I didn't want him to miss me. I hope he misses the heck out of me, and truly realizes what he has lost.

That brings me to why I posted. A mutual friend of ex-MM, and mine which happens to be a co-worker of mine told me that he saw ex-MM on Friday. At a restaurant across the street from where I work. He had to have been visiting someone here at my job. I think it's not going to be very long before I run into him. I feel he would go out of his way to let me see him with someone else. And, I'm scared, that once I see him with someone else, all the pain and hurt will resurface. One of the reasons that I stayed with him so long is.......I thought as soon as I gave up on our relationship, he would divorce his W, and make some other woman a wonderful mate. He would give her all the love and attention that I wanted from him for years. You know I'm dying to find out why he was here. I think if I saw him with some one else I would totally loose it. I don't want to go through that pain ever again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 4:43pm

Even as you keep moving forward, every now and then there's an urge to look in the rear-view mirror and wonder what they're (xMM/xOW, etc.) doing or feeling.


The urge to do so, I've found, does diminish over time, albeit at time at the slowest pace, slower than a snail. And even then, years later the "Gee, I wonder what they're up to" thought crosses the brain wave.


I get it some 27 years later from that first affair. And most of the others, at different times.


Just roll with the thought---momentarily--- and send it back into the stratos. It will pass.


The windshield is always larger than the rear-view mirror. Keep looking forward...........


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 8:22pm
XMM probably does miss you and is hoping to run into you. And with the ways guys' egos are, he probably will try to have some new broad on his arm. Be strong. I know it's hard and would probably be painful if you did see such a sight. But to be honest, there really is something that is rather empowering about going against an emotional urge. Perhaps you can not control how you feel, but you can control how you act.

Over the summer, XMM and I made plans to spend the evening together. He wanted to come over at around 8 or 9 pm, me knowing how late he usually runs, I suggested he show up in the 10pm hour. He insisted 9. He didn't call me that night till midnite. Like almost on the dot. And when I answered the phone he had the nerve to say "I know I'm a couple of hours late." I was highly annoyed, but I just said it was no problem, "thanks for at least calling" and I told him I had company (which thank goodness I did have someone over) and that perhaps we could get together another time. Do you know how badly I wanted to see him!!!??? How much I had missed him? And in a way I was a little mad, I could have very easily went in the complete opposite direction and threw a tantrum. After my friend left I felt incredibly lonely and cried a little but at least in the line of fire I was able to keep my cool. Later XMM said he was surprised I didn't get mad at him. I played it off and said it was no big deal.

You can do it too. You can see your XMM face to face and no matter what you feel inside you can remain calm, cool, and collected; and be not affected by his little games. Then when he's out of sight and ear shot you can kick and scream all you want. You'll be all right. =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 9:19am
I'm giving myself a lot of "self talks". Trying to prepare myself for the first time XMM and I lock eyes, and he has someone new on his arms. It will indeed be ackward, and no doubt painful for me. I will do my very best to remain, cordial, cool, calm, and collected. If I had my wish, it would be at a time when I'm at my all time best, physically.

I'll let you guys in on a secret.......I'm seriously considering the gastric bypass surgery. Over the course of this 17 year affair, the pain, guilt, and most of all depression has caused me to eat myself to a whopping 120 lbs over weight. Anyway, I haven't totally decided yet, but I'm considering it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 10:58am
I used to have dreams that I'd run into my xMM and his wife while they were on a date. I don't even know what she looks like so I'd just have this picture of him holding her hand and all I could see was her back. I remember waking up feeling devastated. Luckily I don't have those dreams anymore....of course, they're working on their divorce so they don't "date."
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 12:47pm
You'll do good, with or w/out the extra 120lbs. It really is all in how you feel inside. I've seen plenty of big girls out there who know how to work it. Just be confident. Believe in yourself, even if you have to fake it to make it. Don't let this guy see he's got the best of you. Even if in his heart he may "know" you are hurt or missing him or wanting him, etc. In his presence just keep your cool and dignity.

--Luna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 2:00pm
How soon we forget......if I did happen to run into XMM, with someone new. I should feel sorry for her. #1. he's still married, and there's no telling what lie he told her. #2. I know that her life will be filled with drama. XMM, will always let his (STBXW) rule his life, thus she will rule her life as well.

Somewhere deep inside, I do want XMM to find happiness. I just want so much more for MY life than what he is willing to give. He's just not the man for me.