scared to quit

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
scared to quit
46
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 2:36pm

Ok, well, I'm looking for help, and hope.
This has taken 7 years out of my life. There is really nothing new to add to my situation, except, I am 55, he is 56, and for 4.5 years, I was lied to about his marital status. That should get alot of feedback.
I had other relationships during that time, and just chose to believe his lies. When I found out, I tried to quit, but, I was hooked.

I have never given him an ultimatum, never questioned his intentions. Then, 5 weeks ago, he decided to tell me he wanted to get a divorce, he could see spending the rest of his life with me, he saw a window of opportunity to do it, and he needed to know that I would be there when it all came about.
When I emailed him that I was happy that he had a plan and intended to go forth with it, and that I hoped I wouldn't be disappointed, he suddenly became rather elusive.

I am tired. I have plenty to be grateful for, but, I can't focus on work, I have no pleasure in getting up in the morning, and all I want to do is sleep. I'm self employed. I can't believe I am going to let this person rob me of any more of my life, and I can't believe I am on the verge of losing my business over him.

He has no children, mine are grown, married. I have done nothing but look at the computer all day. Except I called him. No answer of course. Then, when he did call, it was in hushed tones. Pitiful.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: emsee2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 4:23pm

Welcome to endings, emsee, but

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 4:58pm

Hello ci-iddy....
No, I am not married. Divorced 10.5 years. And apparently he started backing off when I decided to hold him accountable for the things he said to me, i.e. "where would you want to live", "I think about what the ceremony would be like", "I want you to be happy", blah blah blah.

Yes, I am ready, in my brain.
Blocking his emails, not answering his calls...I don't have a clue how I can do that. I am supposed to see him tomorrow. I thought that maybe I would tell him it's over, to call when he has papers in hand. I know that's the wrong approach, but, I'm not sure I can cold turkey it.

No point in talking about anything good that ever came from this situation. It's wrong, I know it, it's killing me. I've probably spent a year total reading articles on ending affairs. I'm just scared of the pain involved in quitting.

What is so sad is that I have two wonderful children, and my first grandchild, 2 weeks old, and I am lying to all of them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 5:16pm

Em -

I hope you decide to join us. Like you, my A lasted 7.5 long years and I'm also single.

<<>>

How do you know? Have some faith in yourself. When you take it one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time, you'll be amazed at what you can do. It's really thing only way you will ever get past this. The great thing about EAS is that you don't have to go through it alone.

<<<>>>

Aren't you more scared of living for 7 more years like you have been? You deserve a real life of your own. One where you can enjoy your kids and your new grandchild. You can do this Em.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 5:31pm

E2010,

The hurt of ending the A will not kill you - in fact, as the NC days go by, you find strength and courage you never knew you had that will benefit all aspects of your life. If you have been reading for a year on how to end the A, then the time is NOW for you to end this drawn out suicide. I can promise you that there will come a time when you don't regret ending the A, only the time it took to finally do it. You will regret each and every moment you delayed the inevitable ... you won't get back the time with you children and new grand-child. Seriously E2010, what in the world could motivate you more to work your butt off to be present in your RL during this amazing time of a new birth.

Enough E2010.

Enough.

I don't think you will find one poster on this board who felt that they were strong enough to end their A. This isn't about being strong enough - this is about courage.

As it has been said on this board before, time to put on those grown-up underwear and get busy doing what you KNOW NEEDS TO BE DONE!

If you truly want to end this, DO NOT meet with him one last time. There is NO CLOSURE TO BE FOUND!

I hope you'll stick around. I hope you'll choose you. Please read through the healing library - and the 'when is enough enough' thread in the Singles section. I will find it and bump it up for you. Scroll down to the bottom of the page and go to the first post.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou




Edited 7/29/2010 5:33 pm ET by transcendingus
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 6:08pm

Yes, I can end this, and yes, I can cancel tomorrow.
But, when I cancel, via email, is that all I do?
No reason why, no explanation, no "it's over"?
Just can't see you tomorrow???

scared. really scared. and really need to know someone will be around for a few days to talk to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 6:09pm
cna't i even say, "call me when you have the papers"?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 6:25pm

Em -

You can say "call me when you have the papers" but it doesn't mean he will. Just email him and tell him that you are not going to meet him tomorrow. You are worth more than being anyone's other woman and you don't want him to contact you anymore.

Read the Healing Library, cry, post - we'll all be there for you - there is always someone here. We've said this a lot lately - NC is not a punishment, it really is a gift.

Be strong :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 6:52pm

NO NO NO E2010

When you say "call me when you have the papers" you are accepting the way you have been treated. DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU WOULD WANT HIM?! Look at him - seriously. What kinda prize is he?! What would you possibly gain by saying that to him? A big fat NOTHING. You can't believe that this 'relationship' would ever function in RL. I may sound harsh as I know you are a new newbie, but you yourself admitted to reading all about ending an affair for the past year... did one of those books coach you to say "call me when you have the papers"?

Once you examine all the motivations that drove you into having an affair, and you begin the work of fixing those broken parts of you that accepted that treatment, you will come to understand WHY it was never ever going to be. You need to take an honest inventory of who you have become and that means taking responsibility for your part in the affair. Like all of us here, you made very poor choices that hurt yourself, him & his W - whether she knows or not.

Some people do not even send that email. They just go complete NC and block all avenues of communication, others send a very straightforward, no-drama "Do not contact me again. Our affair is over and I will be focusing my attention on myself and my own life."

YOU DO NOT STROKE HIS EGO ONE MORE FREAKING TIME!!! This is about taking your power back and regaining your dignity. How he thinks, feels, reacts DOES NOT MATTER. Why? Because no matter how much he hurts and all that blah blah blah, it changes NOTHING about the reality of the situation. He will not be leaving his life for you. Take it from someone whose xAP told his W of the affair and was apartment hunting so that we could be together. Guess what, he changed his mind but still wanted the A to continue. I ended it then and there and haven't looked back. Thank goodness he changed his mind. Now if he arrived at my door begging with papers in hand, I wouldn't even open my front door.

You'll get to this place too. Trust us. What else do you have to lose? Yet you have a whole life to gain.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 6:53pm

I have to echo Bodhi in saying NC is not a punishment it is a gift.

I can finally own this statement today after 4 weeks of NC and the end of my A. I was not even the one that choose NC, but am now so very thankful for it.

Doesn't mean I am done hurting, I know the hurt and healing is just beginning, but I do know that NC has given me a strong first step in getting my life back.

You can do it, Take control!
Best
MMLIF

I do not know what is next in life...but at least I know what is NOT!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 7:07pm

Hi Em!


I am relatively new to this board.

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