scared to quit
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| Thu, 07-29-2010 - 2:36pm |
Ok, well, I'm looking for help, and hope.
This has taken 7 years out of my life. There is really nothing new to add to my situation, except, I am 55, he is 56, and for 4.5 years, I was lied to about his marital status. That should get alot of feedback.
I had other relationships during that time, and just chose to believe his lies. When I found out, I tried to quit, but, I was hooked.
I have never given him an ultimatum, never questioned his intentions. Then, 5 weeks ago, he decided to tell me he wanted to get a divorce, he could see spending the rest of his life with me, he saw a window of opportunity to do it, and he needed to know that I would be there when it all came about.
When I emailed him that I was happy that he had a plan and intended to go forth with it, and that I hoped I wouldn't be disappointed, he suddenly became rather elusive.
I am tired. I have plenty to be grateful for, but, I can't focus on work, I have no pleasure in getting up in the morning, and all I want to do is sleep. I'm self employed. I can't believe I am going to let this person rob me of any more of my life, and I can't believe I am on the verge of losing my business over him.
He has no children, mine are grown, married. I have done nothing but look at the computer all day. Except I called him. No answer of course. Then, when he did call, it was in hushed tones. Pitiful.

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WOW WISINGUP!!!
Great post - I was a little worried about you there for a bit, but this post shows so much growth and insight!
You're on your way!
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Smile! Thanks Trans... the revalations are coming at warp speed now. It's I think about a week of NC for me. It has been hard for me the last few days, but thankfully I am here and listened to you guys. :)
Things are just starting to click, dots are connecting and it's suprising me. I can be watching a movie or riding my bike and all of a sudden it's like WHAT... and I just SEE and FEEL
TU,
I have been meaning to tell you how much I really like to see your posts. U are so amazing.I have watched u turn into an amazing inspiration. You are always here for everyone. Even us Supertweeners...and u can hang n dish it out like an old vet. So much pride n strength in you. I can not tell you how much ya mean to me and this board.
Wising up, you are well on your way...great post. I too remember those little light bulbs going off. It's actually a pretty amazing thing, it's like little mini-gifts you recieve in the mail over time. I relished n posted mine.
Em,
I too was involved with a MM who I originally did not know was M. He lied so bad for so long. I thought I was in a RR. Your A lasted a lot longer than mine...I was fortunate to use ny PI skills n figured out he was M. I stayed with him a short time after, I used excuses to stay...justified my actions. He saud he was leaving too. Even moved in for a little while...but the min it got hot in the kitchen...he ran home to his W n thru me under the bus and then backed up and ran me over again. I had to let go what was never mine, no matter how much I thought he was...no matter how it started. No matter how much I thought I loved him. He showed me better than he could ever tell me.
I ended things because one day I realized that from the very moment I knew that he was M, I was a guilty and responsible party. He kept telling me that he was leaving her.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Em,
My post got posted unintentionally. I ended my saying he would tell me all the time he was leaving her. He was not. Not ever. He was just stringing me along. I just want u to think carefully about what has been said to you.
You have to make a decision for you. I was able to say goodbye. I would rather slipped away. It was an ugly goodbye. N I wish I could have emailed him with a few short sentences...
Don't waste anymore time...
We r here when u end it. We are always here. We talk about everything. This is an amazing place with beautiful, bright, n wise women (men too) who have been where you are...know how it feels, but also know how u could be feeling. How u can soar again...smile again, live YOUR life with a pure n clean spirit. We all deserve to be our best selves.
We will be here. Promise.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Hi emsee
You got some great feedback here. No one addressed the 4.5 years of not knowing he is married. Was it a long distance A or his W was living in a different home? Did he always come to your place, but never invite you to his? Just odd that he can hide it from you 4.5 years without you knowing.
Yes, I originally said the statement about not knowing he was married would garner alot of feedback.
He had a separate home phone number, and I never called him on that or his cell.He is a musician and has a studio in his home. I had a full life, with other relationships, children, work, family....i just always figured there was alot going on with his work, and I accepted what he told me. I am 100 per cent responsible for keeping it going for those 4.5 years. I pursued it. When I learned the truth, of course I was devastated, but, I made a conscious decision to continue doing the wrong thing.
Yes, I know all the lies, of both parties. I know the right thing to do. But, did everyone on this board make the decision in 24 hours, and then just do it? I know the lies are enough to leave, but, unlike some on here, there has never been much drama, there has not been some turning point which has made me think I can do this. Last Sunday I was perfectly content with the situation. Over the course of the week I have questioned everything in my life.
There is no justification in any of this, so, don't think I am doing that. It's checking the "block" box on emails which seems to be the hardest thing of all.
Does it matter if I was with him for 4.5 years without knowledge of his marriage, if he hit me over the head with a frying pan, if I threw eggs at his wife, if I was sleeping with a pro football team and the staff? None of this happened (except the 4.5 years), but, the gory facts of the affair are irrelevant in my opinion. Once again, I'm aware of everything. Isn't the fact that I'm trying to get to the point of leaving the purpose of this board? We could line up all the horror stories of every woman on here, and trust me, they would all be very similar.
Em -
<<<>>>
The gory facts are irrelevant. You are right, our stories are all very similar. You choose what you need to share with us. The purpose of this board is for enders. I don't think "trying to get to the point of leaving" qualifies, but I could be wrong. You have to be committed to having a real, honest life of your own Em, otherwise you will continue to spin your wheels, eat crumbs and be second best.
Choose yourself. Block and walk, and don't look back.
Bodhi
Em,
No it really does not matter if you didn't know about him being M for 4.5 years and you are right, stories would all be very similar. N yes, you are correct about the point of this board. I do not think the poster meant to offend you. I think that we ask questions so we can better understand the situation. She was asking questions I would have asked had I not realized that MM can be very good at hiding their M's and as adults we just do not expect people to lie about something so serious. My MM owned a studio too. It was his other home. He would tell me and his W he was working at the studio when he was with us. He slept with me at my home so regularly...what MM can do that?
I think to others it can be shocking to be with someone so long and you do not know their marital status. Hell, I was shocked. I had no clue and if I did, I did not want to see it. At all.
My point is I can relate while other wonder how you could not possibly have known. Or they just want to know the details so they can understand.
Now to the real important issue. No, no one decided to leave their A in a 24 hr period. Well, let me digress, Ido not know of one. Usually, we think about it for a good while. Often there is an incident or a last straw so to speak...we realize that we are empty and just can not take the pain further. That we want to take back our lives for good.
You may not be there yet. You mentioned that u have had no real incident and that you werefine with it last week. I do not know what came over you...but I would continue to examine all aspects of your life and think about where this A has gotten you. Look at these past years. Have u truly been happy? How do u feel about yourself? Has this MM hurt and/or disappointed you. Cancelled plans at the last min? Wasn't there to support you when you needed him? Threw u crumbs of his time? Was everything always on his terms? Have u sat around waiting for an email, txt, or call? One that never came? Or came way after expected?
I can't imagine that you have been content being the OW. I can't imagine that you are fine living that way much longer. Something brought you here. I hope you end it and stay.
My exAp was happy when I knew he was M, it was easier for him. He would ask me if he could call her...I would tell him he could just leave. That was the beginning of the end. He was relieved that I knew and thought I would simply accept him calling his W in my presence. I thought WtF? But hey, it was his W. I knew was not cut out to be the OW too long. I had made sum dumb mistakes in my past and told myself I would never be in such a situation again....and there I was. Destroying myself again.
I hope you find the courage to cut the cord. I was hoping u would not meet with him today. I wish I walked away with some dignity and self respect....it's not too late for you....your call. We are here when you end it.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
No.....not offended by anything anyone says! After 7 years of this, I'm certain there is nothing which could be said which I haven't thought of. Or felt. I don't hate this other person, I don't hate his wife, I don't hate anything he has done to me. It was all self imposed, I stood for it, I deserve the pain of letting go. The only thing I hate is my apparent lack of will power. I almost wish he would do something cruel so I could justify in my mind leaving. Then I think, isn't my low self esteem enough to prove it's time to go?
Well, I could write on here all day, but it's not fair to those who have made the commitment and are struggling. I can see I'm not even in the "newbie" phase.
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