scared to quit

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
scared to quit
46
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 2:36pm

Ok, well, I'm looking for help, and hope.
This has taken 7 years out of my life. There is really nothing new to add to my situation, except, I am 55, he is 56, and for 4.5 years, I was lied to about his marital status. That should get alot of feedback.
I had other relationships during that time, and just chose to believe his lies. When I found out, I tried to quit, but, I was hooked.

I have never given him an ultimatum, never questioned his intentions. Then, 5 weeks ago, he decided to tell me he wanted to get a divorce, he could see spending the rest of his life with me, he saw a window of opportunity to do it, and he needed to know that I would be there when it all came about.
When I emailed him that I was happy that he had a plan and intended to go forth with it, and that I hoped I wouldn't be disappointed, he suddenly became rather elusive.

I am tired. I have plenty to be grateful for, but, I can't focus on work, I have no pleasure in getting up in the morning, and all I want to do is sleep. I'm self employed. I can't believe I am going to let this person rob me of any more of my life, and I can't believe I am on the verge of losing my business over him.

He has no children, mine are grown, married. I have done nothing but look at the computer all day. Except I called him. No answer of course. Then, when he did call, it was in hushed tones. Pitiful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 12:06pm

"I almost wish he would do something cruel so I could justify in my mind leaving."

I think he did one of the cruelest things of all: he asked you to become an invisible OW while he took what he could get and returned home to his RL.

The most 'loving' A is still by its very nature CRUEL.

He committed a horrific injustice to you and his W by keeping his M a secret ... of all the crimes we commit in these affair, I think it is the worse treatment a person can receive because you aren't even given a choice.

I chose to be in an A. I went in with my eyes open: he was M, I was M. I made an active choice to become a person I would come to hate right from the start.

But I wasn't lied to the way you were. Can you see that EM2010? That was cruel. That was the lowest of the low. Yes you should have left when you found out the ugly truth, and that's what I hope for you NOW.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 2:03pm

Then I think, isn't my low self esteem enough to prove it's time to go?


And that is the point I got to as well, that finally gave me the strength to stick to NC. The person I have become, well I do not know her or like her very much. And I am fighting so hard to change her now. When you've gone so long with no rules, no boundaries ...just allowing yourself to do what you want, it IS hard to all of a sudden start putting the boundary fences in place again. You feel like you keep slamming in to them. And I have put them up and torn them down so many times, because I was worried I was keeping something good out, but now I realize that I am rather building something good within those boundaries. They are there to protect me.


It's about self preservation now. You can't keep running to the source of your pain and expecting it to heal you.


I realize I am way to new to give advice but I just want you know that you are not alone in the beginning stages of an ending. I am experiencing it all very raw right now. And I can tell you, it's worth it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 2:14pm

Emsee-


You have gotten some great advice. And I will echo what TU said- none of us thought we were strong enough to walk away. Each day we stayed in the A, we lost more of our dignity, our self respect and strength.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 2:36pm

TU is right. We had no choice....they did not give us that. How could you take responsibility for that? Afterwards yes, but even then I remember being so torn. You are so far in you are seeing things thru rose colored glasses. You still see the fantasy.

Why does he have to do something. Why can't you?

Luvin

Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
In reply to: emsee2010
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 4:22pm

Hi emsee,


Yeah, I could see why you did not know as he had his own home number that you could call when you wanted.


No, I didn't make the decision in 24 hours and just do it. It took me a while to grieve and go through my own emotions just as you are doing. We all go through the stages differently which is ok.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 5:40pm

Thanks!!
And I firmly believe I have to make a decision, go forth, and don't look back. I am on the cusp. It's becoming reality. I can honestly say, I feel good about it. After reading the stories of others, the similarities, the feeling of empowerment is amazing.
For me, it will be staying busy. Focusing on what is important to me. My family, my work, my soul, my spirit.
I am almost there.
It is pointless to say I am there yet. Don't you have to go through all the stages to make the final commitment? I don't want to say that it's over, then relapse. I want to be very certain, and not waste anyone's time on here.
I want to do it, and not nag about it, about what a schmuck he is.... but be joyful.

I will do it. And whoever is following this, will know when I have.

And there is no doubt that the ones who have been over their A's for a long time, become bored with people like me. Maybe they went through the decision making process at one time, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 6:02pm

Until you are an ender, I will leave you with this final thought:


When you come to the end of all the light you know,
and it is time to step into the darkness of the unknown,
faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen:
Either you will be given something solid to stand on
or you will be taught to fly.


Have faith EM2010,


TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
In reply to: emsee2010
Sat, 07-31-2010 - 12:41am

yw Emsee.


"For me, it will be staying busy. Focusing on what is important to me. My family, my work, my soul, my spirit.
I am almost there."


That's great to hear. :)


"It is pointless to say I am there yet. Don't you have to go through all the stages to make the final commitment?"


Sometimes. I had to go through all the stages. Am sure there are some here that have been able to move more quickly. It's a process.


"And there is no doubt that the ones who have been over their A's for a long time, become bored with people like me. Maybe they went through the decision making process at one time, too."


You're not a waste of time. I've been out more than a year and am not bored with new people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Sat, 07-31-2010 - 5:28pm

There is no reason to lie on this board.
i did in fact see him last night. Before the evening turned intimate, I told him I was done. I think he was in shock. There were tears, and he told me he had never had more respect for me than at the moment, and I was as wonderful as he knew I was. That at least one of us had the guts to make the right decision.
When he left, he asked me if it was the last time we would see each other, and I told him yes.

I went to bed. I didn't cry, when I woke, I felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. NO MORE LIES!!!!!! I felt empowered. As if I were finally in control.

11:30 a.m...received a text. Did I have someone else? Is it truly over? If he filed for D in the next 6 weeks, would I reconsider "us"?

1:45 p.m.....my response...unless there is something concrete, yes, it's truly over.

We all have our own ways of ending, I would imagine. I feel fine. I don't have regrets, I can't wait to venture into the future as an honest person. I'm not mad, I couldn't give a flip how he feels,I have a plate full of things I want to do, and they will be so much easier and fun without a monkey on my back.So, it's only a few hours of NC, but, this time tomorrow, it will be a whole day. No, I won't respond to any more texts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Sat, 07-31-2010 - 7:07pm

WE ALL KNEW YOU COULD DO IT!!!!! And you are so so right that we each need to end it in our own way, the important thing is that IT ENDS AND WE DON'T LOOK BACK except to examine the reasons why.

I am so freaking proud of you. I am smiling so huge. Right on getting that monkey off your back.

Now time to block him so you don't need to deal with him NOT RESPECTING YOU by continuing to contact you even though you said it was over.

Please please keep posting.

Oh, and here is a letter that I love, and I re-post when it is order. It is a long read, but totally worth it. Here goes:

Yes, it does, but it takes time. And you shouldn't be surprised at your sadness - February is really only yesterday, when it comes to grief. Certainly you know you did the right thing, and that brings a kind of cold comfort, very real, but also very lonely. What's helping most is why you made your stand. You did it as a first step towards re-establishing your sense of self-worth.

The story you've told me - like the stories of many if not most 'other women' - is a story of personal humiliation. Sure, at the beginning, it seemed everything was up for grabs, all was possible, there was a sense of a possible future. In that scenario, the deception, lies, disloyalty and compromises could all be seen as short-term, necessary, mere temporary stepping-stones, and, above all, shared, mutual, part of a path both of you were on. In the cold light of early morning, it may not have felt that good. But it didn't yet damage your sense of self-worth, because there was hope of a different to-morrow.

It's the shared sense of commitment to some kind of future, which makes the distasteful elements of an affaire manageable. It may not be right, but it feels permissible, when two people want to be together. The compromises only really start to bite, when that future is cancelled, or hope is extinguished. Then the shoddiness of second-best, and secrets, becomes apparent. And self-esteem starts to vanish. That's what happened to you. You were put in your place. The terrible thing about that place, is that it means you have no right to any kind of consideration. Your feelings are not spared, as he talks of his wife and family and all he's doing with them and for them. You never win the time contest, if there's a conflict between some plan with you and a sudden family contingency. You are not minded, or cared for, when sick or distressed, or only within very strict limits. You are a secret, have no social standing as any kind of partner, must be denied on any accidental meeting even with acquaintances. There is very little honour in any of that. Low self-esteem is the inevitable result.

The problem with low self-esteem is that it often leads to us continuing in an impossible situation - in fact in the very situation which has handed our self-esteem such a serious blow in the first place. Apart from the fact that, rightly or wrongly, you loved this man, and as you explained, thought that seeing him even just the odd time would lessen the pain, what held you in there was the fact that you lost sight of what is right and proper. Low self-esteem leads people to believe, deep down, that they don't deserve any better, that whatever shoddy deal is handed to them is good enough, since they are so unworthy. So women stay - and men too, for affairs are not all a question of a single woman and married man.

That's why it took great courage for you to end it. Because courage is what is required when we don't really think much of ourselves and yet opt to make a serious decision, in our own best interests. For what you had to do was take a leap of faith, faith in yourself. You had to act as if you believed you were worthy, even though you weren't so sure. And what's comforting you now, is the awareness that you did the right thing, for you. You stood up for yourself. You removed yourself from the indignity of your situation.

The problem is that dignity is precious, essential really, but it doesn't give us a lot of consolation. It does, however, give us the basis for building a happier future. So of course you're glad you pulled the plug on your relationship. Of course you feel good about it. Of course you're right that the woman who wrote, and prompted your own, letter will get through the terrible pain of ending her affair. You'll get through your sadness too. Just be patient with yourself. And pay attention to your self-esteem. It has been very badly bruised. In other words, you're still vulnerable. So take care.

Much love and so happy to say, WELCOME to EAS.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou




Edited 7/31/2010 7:16 pm ET by transcendingus
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou