scared to quit

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
scared to quit
46
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 2:36pm

Ok, well, I'm looking for help, and hope.
This has taken 7 years out of my life. There is really nothing new to add to my situation, except, I am 55, he is 56, and for 4.5 years, I was lied to about his marital status. That should get alot of feedback.
I had other relationships during that time, and just chose to believe his lies. When I found out, I tried to quit, but, I was hooked.

I have never given him an ultimatum, never questioned his intentions. Then, 5 weeks ago, he decided to tell me he wanted to get a divorce, he could see spending the rest of his life with me, he saw a window of opportunity to do it, and he needed to know that I would be there when it all came about.
When I emailed him that I was happy that he had a plan and intended to go forth with it, and that I hoped I wouldn't be disappointed, he suddenly became rather elusive.

I am tired. I have plenty to be grateful for, but, I can't focus on work, I have no pleasure in getting up in the morning, and all I want to do is sleep. I'm self employed. I can't believe I am going to let this person rob me of any more of my life, and I can't believe I am on the verge of losing my business over him.

He has no children, mine are grown, married. I have done nothing but look at the computer all day. Except I called him. No answer of course. Then, when he did call, it was in hushed tones. Pitiful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Sun, 08-01-2010 - 8:31am

It's almost weird how I feel...maybe I'm in shock! But, I feel pretty darn good, ready to take on the day, and the rest of my life. There may be sadness in days to come, but, I've already started having the "what was I thinking" revelations. I refuse, though, to beat myself up, and spend too much time in the past.
I intend to move on.
I'm no spring chicken. I think part of my fear of ending was the thought of being without love and romance in my life. Ha!! I am so looking forward to being in love with myself for a change!

It's been wonderfully helpful to read these posts. I've always been a lone wolf. I am amazed how the support has made me feel. Thanks to all!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: emsee2010
Sun, 08-01-2010 - 12:36pm

Bravo, Emsee! Welcome to the first day of the rest of your affair-free life. I know that wasn't easy, but trying to breathe life into a dead end affair isn't easy either. Now you can start turning this all around to where you'll

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 12:40pm

yayayaya! I am doing a happy dance in my office for you, Emsee. Every time someone makes the choice to end an A, I feel so much joy. We've all BTDT and know the pain involved. It truly does reduce us to shells... Near the end of my A, I truly thought that I was going to die. So, as Iddy said, welcome to the first day of the rest of your life. This empowerment that you feel will help you fly through these first few days, but I want to caution you not to get too cocky... you will experience a myriad of emotions over the course of the next few months, so it's important that you don't let your guard down. Make sure you go into and stay in full self protection mode- block and walk to safeguard yourself against unwanted triggers and setbacks. You can do this. We will be here to help... one day at a time.


Hugs,


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 2:15pm
Yes, I got too cocky, and got itchy fingers this morning.
Thankfully, I got on here, and was able to save myself.
There is nothing easy about this, and unfortunately, I work at home, alone, and have way too much time to think and analyze the last 7 years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 2:22pm

Em -

You are right - there is nothing easy about this. Working alone, you have your work cut out for you - I'm self employed and though I don't work at home, I only have one employee so I am more or less alone in my office most of the time too. It's very easy to fall into our negative thoughts when we don't have the distraction of a different work environment. Plus, you and I have logged a LOT of years in our A's.

You're on the right track - keep it up! :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 3:39pm
I'm about to refurbish a 1962 childs bicycle. I spent the morning cutting grass for an elderly friend.
My son is off today, so we have hung out some. Now, to work for a while. I'm spending tomorrow with my daughter and granddaughter.
Getting my business back on track is foremost in my mind.
I am a creative talented woman. At least that is what I am told. I am going to start believing that, and put all the negative energy of the past 7 years into my craft.
Today is just one of those hour by hour days.
The support is incredibly helpful.
I'm glad I stumbled upon this, and I still don't even know how I did.
I suppose someone greater than me knew I needed it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 3:56pm

You are having a healthy day! We all have hour by hour days and you are doing great.

<<>>>

I have no doubt in my mind that you are. And the more you read and heal and stay away from the JAM that didn't see that, the more you will believe it.

<<<>>

The universe gives us exactly what we need :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 5:07pm

haha...well, I meant to say turn the negative energy of the last seven years into positive energy toward my craft...don't need any negative anything when it relates to work.

bodhi....did you go through this more than once in your 7.5 years?
He and I played this game several times, but, I had never actually told him to his face, "we're done."
And he NEVER asked me before this time if I would reconsider if he filed for divorce.

Yes, so many questions, and most of them never to be answered. But, that's ok, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 7:41pm

Em and Bodhi,

U 2 will be great for one another. Stay in touch. Be cyber buddies!! I am happy you too are here for one another and you BOTH obviously get one another.

Luvin

Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: emsee2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 8:15pm

Em -

<<>>

Yes, several times. Our term was "I want to be left alone". I got very "lippy" over the years actually. I called him out on everything. It's interesting because shortly before the week of the events that led up to me really ending it, he told me that he wanted to be left alone. The reason? It's laughable when I think about it now. Ready for this? It was something like: because he saw a job I did that had a photo of someone in it that he thinks is a threat, and I didn't tell him I had used the photo, and he had to find out from someone else, and "did I ever flirt with this guy?" and "why did I use the photo", etc. etc. For some reason he flipped out. Insane, huh? I of course was completely freaked out, defending myself, pleading with him and all that jazz. And I did the thing he saw about 5 years ago. Who the F knows if we were even speaking at the time I did it!

<<>>>

My XAP probably still thinks to this day that he's getting a D. He's been "going to take care of things" for years and years. So we never really had that conversation. Don't let him fool you. He's probably desperate.

I hope you had POSITIVE energy the rest of the day :) As Luvin said, I would love to be your cyber buddy :)

Bodhi