Screwed up again
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Screwed up again
| Sat, 09-18-2004 - 9:14am |
I read the posts and when you say total NC is the only way to go, I nod my head and really see the wisdom in that and then....I go ahead and contact him anyway. I keep taking one step forward and then two gaint steps back every time I do that. I text messaged him to have a good time on his vaction and I suppose I wanted to see if he would respond and say whether he's missed me or not. Well, he didn't, which is probably doing me a favor and maybe knowing that he won't be online for 2 weeks will help me break free. I just wish I had been strong enough to do it on my own and not had to wait for circumstances to do it for me. Anyway, I heard the song "One" by U2 yesterdy after not having heard it for awhile and some of the lyrics really reminded me of what alot of us are going through here-I wanted to share part of it:
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we hurt each other
Then we do it again
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
and I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
and I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt
Wow, TooSmart! That is one of my favorite songs and I never quite looked at it that way before. That's very much how I feel. He actively pursued me into this, then kept me on my knees the whole time. (hehe, i meant that figuratively but I guess it applies literally, too!) :P I feel like he charmed me at first with the intensity, then backed off and kept me wanting more and didn't care that he was hurting me. But I have the power not to hold onto that!
It's very hard to go to complete NC. I'm guessing it took most of us a few tries. (I IMed with mine yesterday) Don't beat yourself up. Just try to use these 2 weeks when he's gone to heal and fortify yourself! Post obsessively if you want to-whatever it takes. Get strong enough that when he is back, you aren't so tempted. Do what you need to do. You will still be in control if you are unavailable to him when he is back.
We're here for you!!!!!
Love, Lily
"You did what you knew how to do and when you knew better, you did better"-Maya Angelou
I DO know better so let me see if I can DO better too.
Along the lines of song lyrics and quotes, this song makes me angry when I hear it, but at the same time gives me strength...
Ooh this could get messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime
We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this
what part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?
what part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?
what with this distance it seems so obvious?
(Hands Clean by Alanis Morisette)
Love that U2 song and never thought of it that way either and the words to the Alanis song are new to me too. Thanks!
This is hard - he did give you something and you still are looking for it. Can you figure out what it is and then try to find it on your own? That is what I'm trying to do.
Keep coming here and reading.
Lily - ON YOUR KNEES - Too funny! Me too :) - no wonder they want to keep this up - they sure get a lot out of it! What totally sexually driven man would want to give that up?? That is what my XOM is - totally oversexed - like I said - what else is he to do all day when he has no job and his kids are at school! Look at porn and jack-off - but then I came into the picture and he didn't have to use his hands anymore! I served that purpose just fine! And I let him do just about anything he wanted! Granted I liked all of it - but of course he still wants me! I'm a lifesize blow up doll that has real knees to get on! And I go home and he doesn't have to "take care of me" - just be nice enough and flirt enough to get me ready for the next time! I should change me screen name to
easynomore!
Toosmart - hang in there. You have a safe place to come and vent and we all support you. This is harder than we all thought.
I sent off an e-mail to MM, just a day after he tried calling me. I hadn't heard from him in a month and a half--we agreed to just be "friends", maybe call one another every now and then to check up on each other, just as other real friends might do.
But I waited anxioulsy for him to call. And then when he does, I can't find the nerve to pick up the phone. And then the more I think about it, why should I want to talk to him again? We've tried NC several times in the past; I initiate it, and we're probably about even now in breaking the NC.
So, a few days ago I sent him an e-mail. Even used some words I've found on these here posts. (Like, "you say you love me, but the world sees you with HER.") I wished him all the best.
But now I'm almost desparate to hear from him again. I know that would be the worst thing for me. How long does this go on? How long do I have to fight the urge to submit to my stupidness? I try to move on, keep busy, etc. Some days are good, some are bad, but always, always I have this feeling of emptiness, or this feeling that he's thinking about me. If I could just have an MM-ectomy!
How long does this rollercoaster ride last? Some days I'm strong, empowered; others I feel like caving in, or just cowering under my blankets for an entire day.
I guess it's all normal. But right now, I just want to SCREEEEEEAMMMM!