Screwed up - trying to get back on track

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Screwed up - trying to get back on track
14
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 9:30pm

It's taken me a few days to post because I wasn't really sure what to say or to do. I feel ashamed and ridiculous for what happened this weekend, but here goes...

H had to get up early Sat. morning so I had planned on going to the movies w/ a friend. She called and canceled on me sort of last minute. I was really in the mood to go out and knew H couldn't, so I called another friend. We both agreed that we just felt like going for dinner and a glass of wine and chatting. Anyway, this friend knows my situation w/ the A. I picked her up and we went to dinner. 2 bottles of wine later, we decided we wanted to go dancing. I called H to let him know so he wouldn't be worried (he doesn't particularly like this friend, so he was worried anyway).

Long story short, a few drinks later I decided to call xOM. Our last converstaion had been over a week ago and not very pleasant. I figured he wouldn't even answer his phone, but sure enough he did. The club was really loud so I wnet outside to talk to him. Honestly, I can't really remember how the conversation went or what was said. All I remember was he asked me to call him when I dropped my friend off and I told him he knew my # if HE wanted to call ME. Of course, he called back about an hour later and wanted to meet. Me being the drunken idiot I was said ok.

When we got together, we immediatley started kissing. I asked him if what he came for was sex and he said yes. I asked if that was all, and he said yes. DUH! So, stupid me, says ok. Anyway, we started messing around and my cell phone rang. It was H. He was worried about me and said he couldn't sleep. That was a sobering moment. It took everything for me not to break down and start crying. I told him I was too drunk to drive and would be home after I sobered up a bit.

When I hung up the phone, xOM freaked out. Said what we were doing was wrong and we needed to stop. As much as I agreed, in my altered state, I was confused. "You don't care about me anyway, right? You just want sex from me, right? So what's the problem?" or something along those lines is what I said. He said I was reading too much into it and it was just wrong and we had to stop. We had a huge fight and haven't spoken since.

Saturday I felt so awful I could barely look at H. I felt sick the whole weekend. I started seeing a therapist yesterday. I am hoping she will help me figure out why I am in this self destructive mode. I hate myself for what I have done. I hate that I wonder why xOM stopped if he really has no feelings for me. I hate that I love these two men and am struggling with issues that I should not be struggling with. I hate that I am having such a hard time doing the RIGHT thing! I'm married to an amazing man - what the hell is wrong with me. I think I need medication! There are days I want to leave H just because I know he deserves better.

Just needed to be honest and get it out...(at least to you all)...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 9:50pm

Diva

Maybe the reason your screwing up is because you don't feel worthy of your amazing husband and are trying to sobatage your marriage at some level.

I don't expect you to agree but maybe it's time for you to give up the party life and the drinking to much before it really costs you big time.

You may want to consider removing booze buddies from your list of friends.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 10:00pm

Free,

You may be right about the not feeling worthy aspect. I hadn't really thought about it that way and will bring it up to my therapist next week. It may be something I need to work on. He truly is a WONDERFUL man.

As far as my partying days go, you are right again. I was in a longterm relationship from the time I was 18 till I was 24 (I'm 28 now). The guy I was with treated me like crap. I was NEVER allowed to go out unless he was with me. I never experienced those "girls nights" or "party days". Besides that, my H is aware that I feel that I missed out and so he is MORE than understanding about giving me some freedom now. However, I have COMPLETELY taken advantage of his good nature. I decided Saturday that Friday night was the LAST time I would drink alcohol! And the last time I would do a "girls night" - at least until I am capable of acting like a happily married adult!

Thanks for the 2 cents, free!!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 11:20pm

Wow, are we ever alike. >>>>I hate myself for what I have done. I hate that I wonder why xOM stopped if he really has no feelings for me. I hate that I love these two men and am struggling with issues that I should not be struggling with. I hate that I am having such a hard time doing the RIGHT thing! I'm married to an amazing man - what the hell is wrong with me. I think I need medication! There are days I want to leave H just because I know he deserves better<<<<<<

Hey, thanks for writing MY story. I am going through the exact same thing. I initiated the break up but I am the one struggling every day and making very small attempts to get it going again but he is the more mature one here. He said he had feelings for me and was emotionally involved... blah blah blah and I know he does care cause we had the best mind blowing sex you could imagine (I am 12 yrs. younger and he is not much to look at and he couldn't believe he "got me" he said) And the look in his eyes tells it all but I don't think he wants to go down that road again cause it was very stressful and I ended it about 6 times in the 1 year period of our A. I always was the one to make the little flirty comments a few weeks after each break up to let him know I wasn't serious about ending it. Hmmmmm, this time it is not working!!!! It is actually his birthday today and I feel more terrible today and I don't know why. I sent him an "e card" today, it was humorous and a bit sexy, never heard from him after he read it but that is normal. I seen him in passing at work today but did not want to embarass him about his birthday so I said nothing.

I know I am babbling and I don't know the purpose of my response but I need help desperately to get over him. He is POISON... I hope he sticks with not giving in to my very minor attempts but alcohol for both of us seems to be our liquid courage and I need to not dial his cell number cause then he knows I am trying to get back for sure and he never answers his phone anyways when it is me, he is scared - the stupid fool!!!

My first therapist appointment is this week, gee how can you tell I need it! I have major guilt for doing this. And I have had other A's before too but this one has been the hardest one to get over.

Actress, How can we get over them??? especially when I see him at work sometimes and I want to cry all the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 12:42am

Diva,


Wow, you did have a rough weekend didn't you?

sc

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 11:15am

Darling,

Well, at least we know we're not alone. I am fortunate enough not to work w/ xOM. He use to work a few miles down the road from me (which made the A VERY easy), but recently changed jobs and now works on the other side of town.

xOM broke things off w/ me but has been playing this "I still want to sleep w/you" game with me for the last few months. I feel the way you do - I know for a fact that he loved me. I think that's why it has been so hard to let go. This was my first (and last) A. I fell for him harder than I thought. I don't understand how you can love someone and then shut your emotions off like a light switch BUT still think that you can sleep together w/o emotions being involved. I guess I have continued to play the game in hopes that emotions WOULD resurface on his part. I think they did and that's why he freaked out when my H called. It was the first time we had been 'together' since July!
If it truly was just sex, why would he care about my H???

That's not important though and I need to stop asking that question!

I'm not sure yet how to get over them. I am hoping therapy will help. Good luck and always feel free to email me or post any time!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 11:20am

Hey Unhappy,

I remember you ;-) Thanks for the support. It's so hard when you think you are starting to make progress and then just allow yourself to totally regress!!

I'm done w/ drinking and partying. I need to grow up!

My next session w/ the therapist is Tuesday - I'm really looking forward to it. I haven't told many people (because they will think I'm crazy) but I spoke w/ a pychic who told me I was going to reconnect w/ xOM in Feb. and leave my H. It really scared the sh&t out of me. I want to work through all this crap to make sure I'm strong enough to deal w/ xOM if and when that time comes.

Thanks again!!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 12:24pm

Diva,

Alright, so you screwed up. We all have. With the alcohol consumption, not surprising. It gives us the nerve we don't have when we're sober. By the way, I'd watch the drinking and driving. You don't want to end up in jail, and just a couple of drinks can put you over the legal limit, and you had two bottles with your friend and then some, right? You probably were over the limit and had you been stopped, you would have been arrested. Just be careful!

Anyway...I guess you just need to get to the point where you really and truly see how bogus this A is, and figure out why you keep going back there when you say you don't want to do it anymore. One thing that helps me is to think about how truly disgusting it is to be humpin' and pumpin' with the OM, and lying to DH about it all. Especially if they call when you're with the OM, which they do. How really sickening is that? And I've done it too, so no judgement. You've just got to get yourself to a place where you really do see how wrong it is and stop doing it. Medications aren't the answer, unfortunately. You've got to do the work. You CAN do it if you quit going back in. STAY AWAY FROM HIM!!!!!!

Silly

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 12:59pm

<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>

From your post to my heart. I feel this same way. If given the opportunity, I don't know if I could turn xMM down. I rely on his resolve to stay away from me, which gives me some strength. I miss him, I love him, I want to be with him BUT I love my H and never want to hurt him, but he deserves a wife who gives him 110% of her heart. Damn, where is King Solomon and his big knife? Just cut me in half and let me be.

All I can say is that you have to restart NC, try and move past this faltered step. You've been here before, and hopefully you won't be here again. Good luck with your therapist, I'm curious as to what you will learn about your motivations. I'm sorry for the pain you are, will be, feeling during these first few days/weeks of NC again. But you know we're here!

Good luck, and enjoy the holiday with your H. You'll start to feel better again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 1:24pm

Silly,

How right you are. Not only did I endanger my life, and my friend's life, but the lives of others on the road. There is no way I should have been driving. But I was at the point that I just didn't care (hence my self destructive mode).

I hate this person I have become. Truth be told (obviously) I miss xOM so much. There are times that I do still want to be with him (even when I'm sober). And it IS disgusting and awful!! I truly want to get past this and am hopeful that therapy will get me there.

Thanks for the support!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 1:28pm

Shel,

It sucks. I hate that xOM has this sick hold on me! It's like being addicted to crack! You know it's bad for you, you know it will hurt you and everyone around you, but you keep using it.

I don't know what I'm looking for or why. I have everything I could ever want and need in my H. I no longer think it is a problem with my M, but a problem inside me. Of course, if that is the case, than even xOM cannot fix it!

Anyway, I am looking forward to my next session in therapy and looking forward to the day I no longer think of xOM 157 times a day ;-)

Will keep you posted - and thanks again!!

Diva

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