Screwed up - trying to get back on track

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Screwed up - trying to get back on track
14
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 9:30pm

It's taken me a few days to post because I wasn't really sure what to say or to do. I feel ashamed and ridiculous for what happened this weekend, but here goes...

H had to get up early Sat. morning so I had planned on going to the movies w/ a friend. She called and canceled on me sort of last minute. I was really in the mood to go out and knew H couldn't, so I called another friend. We both agreed that we just felt like going for dinner and a glass of wine and chatting. Anyway, this friend knows my situation w/ the A. I picked her up and we went to dinner. 2 bottles of wine later, we decided we wanted to go dancing. I called H to let him know so he wouldn't be worried (he doesn't particularly like this friend, so he was worried anyway).

Long story short, a few drinks later I decided to call xOM. Our last converstaion had been over a week ago and not very pleasant. I figured he wouldn't even answer his phone, but sure enough he did. The club was really loud so I wnet outside to talk to him. Honestly, I can't really remember how the conversation went or what was said. All I remember was he asked me to call him when I dropped my friend off and I told him he knew my # if HE wanted to call ME. Of course, he called back about an hour later and wanted to meet. Me being the drunken idiot I was said ok.

When we got together, we immediatley started kissing. I asked him if what he came for was sex and he said yes. I asked if that was all, and he said yes. DUH! So, stupid me, says ok. Anyway, we started messing around and my cell phone rang. It was H. He was worried about me and said he couldn't sleep. That was a sobering moment. It took everything for me not to break down and start crying. I told him I was too drunk to drive and would be home after I sobered up a bit.

When I hung up the phone, xOM freaked out. Said what we were doing was wrong and we needed to stop. As much as I agreed, in my altered state, I was confused. "You don't care about me anyway, right? You just want sex from me, right? So what's the problem?" or something along those lines is what I said. He said I was reading too much into it and it was just wrong and we had to stop. We had a huge fight and haven't spoken since.

Saturday I felt so awful I could barely look at H. I felt sick the whole weekend. I started seeing a therapist yesterday. I am hoping she will help me figure out why I am in this self destructive mode. I hate myself for what I have done. I hate that I wonder why xOM stopped if he really has no feelings for me. I hate that I love these two men and am struggling with issues that I should not be struggling with. I hate that I am having such a hard time doing the RIGHT thing! I'm married to an amazing man - what the hell is wrong with me. I think I need medication! There are days I want to leave H just because I know he deserves better.

Just needed to be honest and get it out...(at least to you all)...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 1:49pm

"It's like being addicted to crack! You know it's bad for you, you know it will hurt you and everyone around you, but you keep using it."

This is what I have been feeling for awhile myself. And just like a user, you need more and more of it to feel the same, and then you feel worse afterwards.

"I don't know what I'm looking for or why. I have everything I could ever want and need in my H. I no longer think it is a problem with my M, but a problem inside me. Of course, if that is the case, than even xOM cannot fix it!"

I know this is true, but we can't fix ourselves until we let go of the OM. And whatever is missing inside of us cannot be filled by anyone but ourselves. That's what I am working on right now. You have a good start. Keep it up.

Breathe

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 3:56pm

I feel for you Diva,


It is hard when you go backwards.

sc

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 11:51am

Diva,

Yes, it is self-destructive. I understand completely how hard it is to get past this. It's not so hard for me now, but it was in the past. I had amazing, mind-blowing, incredible sex with this guy. I haven't had that in years. And I really enjoyed being with him. But the guilt I felt for what I had to do in order to be with him was horrible. In the end, great sex or not, it just wasn't worth it.

Silly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 2:35am

I read your post and found myself wondering why you seem to hate yourself so much that you continue to put your hand back in a meatgrinder and demean yourself by calling your xOM JUST FOR SEX when you are drinking......


So, stop drinking until you've got a real grip on yourself and where you're going. The alcohol only exaggerates the existing problem, not solve it.


And I vote for the counseling for yourself to continue.......


cl-nre

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