Second Chances.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Second Chances.
32
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 4:38am

Since I have resigned from my job, I have been overwhelmed with the feeling, that I have been granted a second chance at life. I can’t seem to knock the feeling of truly being blessed to be given this chance to move on with my life. And not only move on, but to start again, and to enjoy, love and appreciate the life I have.

My life before my A, consisted of a Husband who though is a bit on the emotional cold side, has always supported me, and helped me through whatever crisis I have had during our time together. My life also consisted of 2 children, my first born angel, a beautiful daughter – a miracle sent to me, after I had a late miscarriage in my previous pregnancy, and an adorable, cheeky son who was the most wanted child when my husband and I decided to expand our little family of 3 to 4. I had a good job, and house and car and was able to go on holidays a few times a year, everything was just the way in should be.

 I think I was bored? I think I was looking for attention after having two babies? Maybe I was just looking for excitement in my life, because, well my life only seemed to be about the kids, cleaning, washing and cooking. Whatever the reason, it did come down to my feeling of entitlement to enjoy myself, as I did all the work at home, I gave birth to 2 children, I had all the sleepless nights, I never got to go out and enjoy myself anymore, I gave up everything and now it was my time to “find” myself. And it certainly didn’t involve anyone but ME.

 I started a very inappropriate affair with a man I worked with, but barely knew. I found my target – a safe bet – and just went for him. I was not going to stop until this man didn’t know what hit him. And everything went to plan, he was giving me the attention I craved, and the warm fuzzies and ego strokes I needed to feel really good about myself. He was nothing special, but I don’t think it really mattered, as long as someone was telling me how beautiful I was.

 If I wasn’t getting those ego strokes, I wasn’t happy. If he didn’t sms/IM/e-mail me, my selfworth would hit rock bottom. My husband was irritating, and my children expected too much of me, because when I wasn’t with him, I wanted to think about him. I wanted my thoughts not to be clouded by boring things like homework and sports activities, I wanted to lie on my sofa, close my eyes, and dream my life away until the next time I saw him.

 I don’t exactly know how I got from being in control, and choosing this man to have an affair with – MY CHOICE – to neglecting my family and just wasting my life waiting for his next message, waiting for him to want to see me again… waiting, waiting, life-on-hold waiting. I contemplated what it would be like to die, many times. I guess these are suicidal thoughts. I wanted to die, just fade away and not have to face my feeling of worthlessness. They consumed very fiber of my body and only one thing could make these feelings go away – albeit momentarily –  that was his attention.

 Thankfully – I woke up – abruptly – I didn’t even really see it coming, I didn’t know I was going to end that day, I just knew if I didn’t – there was only one way left for me, and that was to lose everything. At the time, I don’t even think I knew what “everything” was, but I knew my mental health was suffering, and with the little amount of self worth I had left – or was it my will to live again? I ended my A for good. I KNEW that day he would never ever be a part of my life. There was no doubt in my mind – NONE – that I was done. I knew from reading here, what had to be done, and I did it.

 The only hitch in my ending was that we worked together. I knew deep inside that I would never be able to let go of the A if I continued working in the same company. I had NC – 100% NC, but it would never *really* be NC until I left my job and never saw him again. I knew when he was at work, I knew when he was travelling, I knew when he was on holidays, all these things hurt just knowing – because I didn’t want to know. I felt he knew, that I knew – and I didn’t want him knowing anything about me, anymore. I gave to much of myself away to him – GAVE being the operative word. I threw myself, my body, my soul to bare AT him.

 Now, here I am, 8 months out, and can’t get over, my life – I have a husband – still emotionally void at times – but he loves me. I still have my Children. My 2, wonderful children – I spend afternoons doing homework with my daughter over a cup of tea. And there is no screaming and yelling and trying to get it over and done with quickly. There is laughing and learning, and satisfaction afterwards and she did a good job, and I helped in some way to her future. There is still my son, who I drop of in first class – and am now able to slowly take the time to say goodbye to him properly, not trying to rush back to the car, so I can check my phone and speed off to work. I still have my house – which I have completed so many projects on. I have another job – I will soon be starting a new exciting job with new people and new challenges.

 So basically – nothing has changed – I still have what I had to start with, but in my heart – everything has changed! I love this life. My second chance which I grabbed with both hands so tightly has made me want to hold onto my life and never let go. And it’s exciting to know, that if I have a dream or something I want to achieve, my family are a much needed and wanted member of my journey. Nothing about my future is about ME or what I want. It about what ME and my family can do together. And as I see it nothing is impossible when I have them. I can’t erase all the terrible things I have done during my A. I can only see what I have done to crawl out of that black hole I was in. And there is no way, I would ever let him or anyone take that away from me. Noone deserves my attention, my time, my smiles, my tears, my laughs, my body, my presents, my thoughts, my jokes, my mood swings, my bad temper, my ideas, my time, as much as my Husband and my children. The thought of dying, now terrifies me. To think there was a time where it was a calming thought. To think I contemplated never seeing my children grow up.  I never ever want to die – I want to live and breathe and enjoy this life!

Don’t risk losing it all, I don’t think we get that many chances in life – I’m not going to waste this chance I have been given. I hope the people struggling on this board aren’t prepared to loose what they have.

 

WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth

Pages

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 7:33am
Excellent post, WGO. Exactly what I needed to read this morning before my work week begins.
Thank you. :smileyhappy:
(((((HUGS))))))

Hearts <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 8:52am
WGO - just wonderful. Powerful. Real. Inspiring.

Gypsy.
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 9:09am

What a great inspiring post.

You have committed to YOU. 

I am so impressed. 

I hope others will realize that is what you have to do.  Make it all about you, first.

Keep up the fight.

Rather....

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 9:24am

I just loved reading this post over my first cup of coffee.  What a way to start my day.  Thank you.

Just like your quote says "Every recovery is a rebirth". ..you are experiencing a rebirth and looking at life like a newborn with wide-eyed wonder.

I'm so happy for you and yours.

Say, when do you start your new job?

((hugs))

Clarity

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2012
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 9:50am

Hi, WGO~

I'm a spiritual person, and I believe that nothing in this life is a conicidence or an accident.  I believe that today, this morning, at 8:51am where I live, I was meant to read your post.  LIke many others on the board, it was just what I needed to read this morning.  I woke up today with a renewed sense of strength and the words that came to me as I awoke this morning was "Let it Go, and the Sun will Rise today".   Wow!   Talk about being renewed.  

Thanks again for your post.  It was dose of inspiration and hope.

Sandy 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 10:22am

4Kate4

I do feel completely out of my A. I don’t miss him, and I don’t miss the A. Not only that I have realized that I will never put myself into that sort of situation again. The thought of being in a A, or even flrting with another man gives me the shivers. I refuse to ever feel like that again. It was so terrible going through the first stages, but as the saying says “it’s always darkest before the dawn”. Some need to hit rock bottom before they realize – and that place was so ugly, I bought a one way ticket out. No turning back.

Do I have bad days? – yes – sometimes, I think about the 3 years I wasted. I think about why he gave me up so easily, I think about the times I felt so bad and loney and desperate, and why I wasn’t able to get out of it sooner. I don’t have bad days because I miss any part of him. A lot of those thoughts are irrational - I am glad he never contacted me once. He might have given me up easily, but it was the best thing he ever did for me - full stop.

You’ll reach this point, only if you put in loads of hard work. I don’t envy anyone going through the pain of ending, but at least there is hope, and please take hope in the fact that there are healed people on this board.

 

Soglad

I do like being someones champion :-) If my family knew where I’d been I don’t think they would feel so blessed – but I’m fighting all I can to make the rest of their lives as wonderful as I can. I will always  been watching my back – there has to be a price to pay I guess :-(

 

TU

I hope you always always always come back to this place, ITS me who is privileged – every one of your posts has helped me, get this far.

 

Clarity

I start at the beginning of next month – and I can’t wait – I am working out my resignation, and am still creeping round the office. I have seen him a couple of times, but looking in the other direction is the best trick, and it WORKS! I have not had eye contact with him for 8 months :-)

 

StarsSandBeach

 I to believe things happen for a reason. I do believe to some degree, if I didn’t end my A this year, I would never have been offered this job opportunity, this way out of my pain. I believe if you don’t do the work, to “repent” -  then good things won’t happen. I believe everyone one of us can change their paths, if they really want it badly enough in the whole heart. Have a wonderful day SSB – haven’t heard much from you lately – how are you going?

 

And the rest of you Love930, GypsyRosie, ratherbeme; heartsofsix thanks for your never ending support :-)

 

WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 1:59pm
Hi the.new.me,

I dont know close you are to ending, it look me a long time from first signing in, to actually becoming a fully blown member of this special EAS board.

We are a really supportive group of people who will help you end your A if you want this. I can't tell you the right time for you to stop, if you are anything like me, it might take something like hitting rock bottom to make you realize that you want to take control of your own precious short life again.

Keep reading here. There are 2 things I can promise you if you choose to join EAS :

1. It will hurt - more than you think you can bare
2 it will stop hurting, and life will be better than before.

If you want to do the work, we will have your back through thick or thin.

Looking forward to getting to know you better when your ready and had enough.

Love your name by the way :-)

WGO
Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 2:24pm
Wow WGO!!!
What another awesome, inspiring post. It's exactly what a lot of us needed to read today. Sometimes it is all to easy to lose sight of the things in our lives for which we are grateful - and yes for me too that is sitting at the table helping your child learn to read. Your post reminded me of the wonder of doing just that.

You have an amazing, resilent human spirit that shines through  every post you write. You have taught many of us how to roll with the punches and demonstrated great strength and resolution in getting to the other side. It sounds a truely great place to be. I hope to see you there soon.....

(((hugs)))
Sunny Soon Xxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 2:58pm

Hey Sunny!

Exactly! As banal as it seem, and obvious -it's the little simple things that can bring satisfaction! My daughters hand writing has improved 100% since I ended my A. But this little thing has huge benefits for her in school because she can use energy improving other skills! I have made it fun to have nice hand writing, and told her how much I loved practicing my hand writing as a child - I would never have had the time to make it fun or interesting even motivating to learn before.

While I was busy enjoying myself, all the little things that were easy to push aside were being neglected. I used to complain to my xAP that he neglected me all the time, all I was focused on was my needs to be filled and even when I was filled I was always left feeling more empty and lonely and used than before.

Sunny, I have no doubt you will get there, I was still on shaky ground emotionally at your stage, but always held onto my resolve.

WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 2:59pm
Every recovery is a kind of rebirth

Pages