Second Chances.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Second Chances.
32
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 4:38am

Since I have resigned from my job, I have been overwhelmed with the feeling, that I have been granted a second chance at life. I can’t seem to knock the feeling of truly being blessed to be given this chance to move on with my life. And not only move on, but to start again, and to enjoy, love and appreciate the life I have.

My life before my A, consisted of a Husband who though is a bit on the emotional cold side, has always supported me, and helped me through whatever crisis I have had during our time together. My life also consisted of 2 children, my first born angel, a beautiful daughter – a miracle sent to me, after I had a late miscarriage in my previous pregnancy, and an adorable, cheeky son who was the most wanted child when my husband and I decided to expand our little family of 3 to 4. I had a good job, and house and car and was able to go on holidays a few times a year, everything was just the way in should be.

 I think I was bored? I think I was looking for attention after having two babies? Maybe I was just looking for excitement in my life, because, well my life only seemed to be about the kids, cleaning, washing and cooking. Whatever the reason, it did come down to my feeling of entitlement to enjoy myself, as I did all the work at home, I gave birth to 2 children, I had all the sleepless nights, I never got to go out and enjoy myself anymore, I gave up everything and now it was my time to “find” myself. And it certainly didn’t involve anyone but ME.

 I started a very inappropriate affair with a man I worked with, but barely knew. I found my target – a safe bet – and just went for him. I was not going to stop until this man didn’t know what hit him. And everything went to plan, he was giving me the attention I craved, and the warm fuzzies and ego strokes I needed to feel really good about myself. He was nothing special, but I don’t think it really mattered, as long as someone was telling me how beautiful I was.

 If I wasn’t getting those ego strokes, I wasn’t happy. If he didn’t sms/IM/e-mail me, my selfworth would hit rock bottom. My husband was irritating, and my children expected too much of me, because when I wasn’t with him, I wanted to think about him. I wanted my thoughts not to be clouded by boring things like homework and sports activities, I wanted to lie on my sofa, close my eyes, and dream my life away until the next time I saw him.

 I don’t exactly know how I got from being in control, and choosing this man to have an affair with – MY CHOICE – to neglecting my family and just wasting my life waiting for his next message, waiting for him to want to see me again… waiting, waiting, life-on-hold waiting. I contemplated what it would be like to die, many times. I guess these are suicidal thoughts. I wanted to die, just fade away and not have to face my feeling of worthlessness. They consumed very fiber of my body and only one thing could make these feelings go away – albeit momentarily –  that was his attention.

 Thankfully – I woke up – abruptly – I didn’t even really see it coming, I didn’t know I was going to end that day, I just knew if I didn’t – there was only one way left for me, and that was to lose everything. At the time, I don’t even think I knew what “everything” was, but I knew my mental health was suffering, and with the little amount of self worth I had left – or was it my will to live again? I ended my A for good. I KNEW that day he would never ever be a part of my life. There was no doubt in my mind – NONE – that I was done. I knew from reading here, what had to be done, and I did it.

 The only hitch in my ending was that we worked together. I knew deep inside that I would never be able to let go of the A if I continued working in the same company. I had NC – 100% NC, but it would never *really* be NC until I left my job and never saw him again. I knew when he was at work, I knew when he was travelling, I knew when he was on holidays, all these things hurt just knowing – because I didn’t want to know. I felt he knew, that I knew – and I didn’t want him knowing anything about me, anymore. I gave to much of myself away to him – GAVE being the operative word. I threw myself, my body, my soul to bare AT him.

 Now, here I am, 8 months out, and can’t get over, my life – I have a husband – still emotionally void at times – but he loves me. I still have my Children. My 2, wonderful children – I spend afternoons doing homework with my daughter over a cup of tea. And there is no screaming and yelling and trying to get it over and done with quickly. There is laughing and learning, and satisfaction afterwards and she did a good job, and I helped in some way to her future. There is still my son, who I drop of in first class – and am now able to slowly take the time to say goodbye to him properly, not trying to rush back to the car, so I can check my phone and speed off to work. I still have my house – which I have completed so many projects on. I have another job – I will soon be starting a new exciting job with new people and new challenges.

 So basically – nothing has changed – I still have what I had to start with, but in my heart – everything has changed! I love this life. My second chance which I grabbed with both hands so tightly has made me want to hold onto my life and never let go. And it’s exciting to know, that if I have a dream or something I want to achieve, my family are a much needed and wanted member of my journey. Nothing about my future is about ME or what I want. It about what ME and my family can do together. And as I see it nothing is impossible when I have them. I can’t erase all the terrible things I have done during my A. I can only see what I have done to crawl out of that black hole I was in. And there is no way, I would ever let him or anyone take that away from me. Noone deserves my attention, my time, my smiles, my tears, my laughs, my body, my presents, my thoughts, my jokes, my mood swings, my bad temper, my ideas, my time, as much as my Husband and my children. The thought of dying, now terrifies me. To think there was a time where it was a calming thought. To think I contemplated never seeing my children grow up.  I never ever want to die – I want to live and breathe and enjoy this life!

Don’t risk losing it all, I don’t think we get that many chances in life – I’m not going to waste this chance I have been given. I hope the people struggling on this board aren’t prepared to loose what they have.

 

WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 11:11am

4kate4

It wasn't that TU or any of us don't want someone to arrive at the point of wishing an affair partner well.  Frankly, we all know that is the absolutely best and healthiest view one can take....we move on, wishing no one ill will....with all and any relationships that have to end for one reason or another.  And a big KUDOs to you for arriving there.

It was your statement about "getting a kick out of maybe REVIVING my xaffair partners marriage.." that TU was addressing.

That we played a role in helping 'revive' a marriage couldn't be further from the truth.  All we did was dance together...a dysfunction dance...to the tune of "Let's Avoid Real Life", "Let's Disrespect Ourselves and All We Hold Dear" and "Let's Make Matters Even Worse."  

I'm bringing this up simply because I don't want you to leave the Board because of a misinterpretation.  

I hope you stick around.

((hugs))

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 4:11am

HI 4Kate4

In regards to the children, my xAP had no children, and as far as he was concerned, they practically didn't exist.

I started thinking more about about what it would be like, if I didn't have children. I started feeling trapped in my own life because of the huge comittment and responsibility I had taken by having children. They look up my spare time, my headspace and my freedom.

While in my A, the feeling of being trapped in my life became greater and greater, where I started resenting the fact that I had set up a life for myself where I had to be responisible and earn money to support my children, I couldn't just run off into the sunset without a second thought. I fell into a depression, where I would just lay around all day dreaming my life away.

I found that everything in my life was taking on an unhealthy tone - sleep required sleeping pills, being social required crazy amounts of alcohol, breathing required smoking, taking to strangers - required flirtacious behavior, dressing required provocative clothing. I was not me. The times I wasn't with my xAP,  I fell deeper into unhealthy habits to cope and slooth my ego, my concious and my deep need to have attention.

I don't feel this way anymore. I look at the difference in my children with different eyes,  since I have been present in their lives. My daugher has become a high acheiver at school. My son has become a loving affectionate child. This was not the case when I was in my A - The damaged wasn't permentent because I got out of my A in time. I look at my children as precious gifts, that I have in my life for such a short time, before they go off on their own jouneys. How could I be so selfish to waste time on a man who could never love, care and respect me, instead of enjoying and cherishing the lives me and my H created together. I sleep without pills, I am social because I have something to offer, and its honest, I breathe because I want to live (I stopped smoking along with my A), I don't talk to strangers, let alone flirt with them, I dress to be elegant and respected - I turned it all around, and with every little thing I changed, it gave me the confidence to take on the next challenge.

Kate, how far are you in the healing process? You sound like you have some really rational throughts?

 

Love WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 5:29am

Hi JJS007

 I know your early days, but 1 week out is amazing. You are going through on of the hardest times in your life, all alone. You are showing huge bravery doing so, and you are coming here and sharing your pain with a group of strangers – that takes courage!

 I remember my first weeks, as though it was tattooed on my heart. The pain was so intense, but through the pain, there were moments where a glimmer of light shone through. These were glimmers of strength, and hope and a knowledge that no matter how much pain I was in, I knew I was doing the right thing for me and my family. If you want to cry, just cry – I cried so much, I was not sure I was able to stop sometimes. I was terrified about being found in the bathrooms at work crying. I sobbed so hard I’m amazed I got away with it. But like everything else, wounds do heal with time. You have all this time now to heal and find direction. And it’s important to do something constructive with this time you have. You can choose to lie in bed day after day feeling sorry for yourself. Or you can allow yourself  time to cry, but then go for a long soothing evening walk – alone – to reflect. Go have a facial, long bath, work out, read books on healing, addiction and relationships. Learn everything you can about A’s and codependency – even if it doesn’t exactly relate to you, it’s all about learning, and become a well-developed person.

 Life it not about obsessing over one person, it’s not about putting your life on hold for others. It’s about sharing and developing and enjoying every moment. And during the hard times, it about coping in a fashion that does not hurt the people closest to you. My biggest problem was bad coping skills, and learning to express doubts and fears,  helps minimize them. Reaching out to xAP was merely a distraction, not a solution.

 JSS007 – I can hear you are struggling, why not put a post out – and let us know how you are feeling – you’d be surprised how many people really want to help when someone is in need.

WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2012
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 9:35pm

WGO, what a inspiring post.  There are days when I think this is so hard and it would be so easy just to give in, but this post of yours has given me strength to keep fighting and more than anything it has given me hope that someday I will be right where you are. 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 9:10pm
Yes, WTG....this post does belong in the healing library. I don't want to just take it in put it into the Wisdom and Insights...I'd rather see it as a new thread entitled second chances. Maybe others will follow suit and add how they feel they are getting a second chance, too.

Will you do that for us? Just copy and paste....and bing bada bing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 8:57pm
Me really like this post! What's an inspiration. It's posts like this that make me feel like all the hours we spend typing responses actually are worth all that we put into them. So happy for you. So proud of you. So blessed that you are a part of this community.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 8:55pm
WOW. Honestly one of the best posts ever. You put a huge smile on my face. I couldn't wait to read what your next line was going to say. This should go in healing library also. Congrats to you. This will surely inspire everyone that life after the a is possible and much more rewarding. Well said and congrats. Thanks for sharing. Hope
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 4:20pm

The.new.me, you are welcome to post. Sometimes it helps to get it all out and read through the responses to help you see the situation a bit clearer. If you truly want to reclaim your life from the A, know that you don't have to do it alone and someone may respond in just the way that you need to hear to take the step that you know deep down you need to. 

The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 4:13pm

WGO, what a fantastic post to wake up to. I loved how you wrote 'So basically – nothing has changed – I still have what I had to start with, but in my heart – everything has changed! I love this life.' Your journey is inspiring as you made the decision to reclaim your life and you ran with it, even when the pain was overwhelming. And I am so happy you have a new job and you get to move forward in your new, second chance life. :smileyhappy:

 

The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 4:12pm
Wow WGO - what a lot of great things to share! I read your post just a few minutes after you made it - I was up early working at my OTHER job, the one I have to do a little bit longer to pay off the last credit card debt from the A. Your words gave me such a happy boost and I zoomed through a few more hours before leaving for the day job. I am REALLY looking forward to never looking back! XO Daisy

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