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|Mon, 09-10-2012 - 4:38am|
Since I have resigned from my job, I have been overwhelmed with the feeling, that I have been granted a second chance at life. I can’t seem to knock the feeling of truly being blessed to be given this chance to move on with my life. And not only move on, but to start again, and to enjoy, love and appreciate the life I have.
My life before my A, consisted of a Husband who though is a bit on the emotional cold side, has always supported me, and helped me through whatever crisis I have had during our time together. My life also consisted of 2 children, my first born angel, a beautiful daughter – a miracle sent to me, after I had a late miscarriage in my previous pregnancy, and an adorable, cheeky son who was the most wanted child when my husband and I decided to expand our little family of 3 to 4. I had a good job, and house and car and was able to go on holidays a few times a year, everything was just the way in should be.
I think I was bored? I think I was looking for attention after having two babies? Maybe I was just looking for excitement in my life, because, well my life only seemed to be about the kids, cleaning, washing and cooking. Whatever the reason, it did come down to my feeling of entitlement to enjoy myself, as I did all the work at home, I gave birth to 2 children, I had all the sleepless nights, I never got to go out and enjoy myself anymore, I gave up everything and now it was my time to “find” myself. And it certainly didn’t involve anyone but ME.
I started a very inappropriate affair with a man I worked with, but barely knew. I found my target – a safe bet – and just went for him. I was not going to stop until this man didn’t know what hit him. And everything went to plan, he was giving me the attention I craved, and the warm fuzzies and ego strokes I needed to feel really good about myself. He was nothing special, but I don’t think it really mattered, as long as someone was telling me how beautiful I was.
If I wasn’t getting those ego strokes, I wasn’t happy. If he didn’t sms/IM/e-mail me, my selfworth would hit rock bottom. My husband was irritating, and my children expected too much of me, because when I wasn’t with him, I wanted to think about him. I wanted my thoughts not to be clouded by boring things like homework and sports activities, I wanted to lie on my sofa, close my eyes, and dream my life away until the next time I saw him.
I don’t exactly know how I got from being in control, and choosing this man to have an affair with – MY CHOICE – to neglecting my family and just wasting my life waiting for his next message, waiting for him to want to see me again… waiting, waiting, life-on-hold waiting. I contemplated what it would be like to die, many times. I guess these are suicidal thoughts. I wanted to die, just fade away and not have to face my feeling of worthlessness. They consumed very fiber of my body and only one thing could make these feelings go away – albeit momentarily – that was his attention.
Thankfully – I woke up – abruptly – I didn’t even really see it coming, I didn’t know I was going to end that day, I just knew if I didn’t – there was only one way left for me, and that was to lose everything. At the time, I don’t even think I knew what “everything” was, but I knew my mental health was suffering, and with the little amount of self worth I had left – or was it my will to live again? I ended my A for good. I KNEW that day he would never ever be a part of my life. There was no doubt in my mind – NONE – that I was done. I knew from reading here, what had to be done, and I did it.
The only hitch in my ending was that we worked together. I knew deep inside that I would never be able to let go of the A if I continued working in the same company. I had NC – 100% NC, but it would never *really* be NC until I left my job and never saw him again. I knew when he was at work, I knew when he was travelling, I knew when he was on holidays, all these things hurt just knowing – because I didn’t want to know. I felt he knew, that I knew – and I didn’t want him knowing anything about me, anymore. I gave to much of myself away to him – GAVE being the operative word. I threw myself, my body, my soul to bare AT him.
Now, here I am, 8 months out, and can’t get over, my life – I have a husband – still emotionally void at times – but he loves me. I still have my Children. My 2, wonderful children – I spend afternoons doing homework with my daughter over a cup of tea. And there is no screaming and yelling and trying to get it over and done with quickly. There is laughing and learning, and satisfaction afterwards and she did a good job, and I helped in some way to her future. There is still my son, who I drop of in first class – and am now able to slowly take the time to say goodbye to him properly, not trying to rush back to the car, so I can check my phone and speed off to work. I still have my house – which I have completed so many projects on. I have another job – I will soon be starting a new exciting job with new people and new challenges.
So basically – nothing has changed – I still have what I had to start with, but in my heart – everything has changed! I love this life. My second chance which I grabbed with both hands so tightly has made me want to hold onto my life and never let go. And it’s exciting to know, that if I have a dream or something I want to achieve, my family are a much needed and wanted member of my journey. Nothing about my future is about ME or what I want. It about what ME and my family can do together. And as I see it nothing is impossible when I have them. I can’t erase all the terrible things I have done during my A. I can only see what I have done to crawl out of that black hole I was in. And there is no way, I would ever let him or anyone take that away from me. Noone deserves my attention, my time, my smiles, my tears, my laughs, my body, my presents, my thoughts, my jokes, my mood swings, my bad temper, my ideas, my time, as much as my Husband and my children. The thought of dying, now terrifies me. To think there was a time where it was a calming thought. To think I contemplated never seeing my children grow up. I never ever want to die – I want to live and breathe and enjoy this life!
Don’t risk losing it all, I don’t think we get that many chances in life – I’m not going to waste this chance I have been given. I hope the people struggling on this board aren’t prepared to loose what they have.