Second Choice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Second Choice
1
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 7:33pm
I can't wait when i won't have to come to this board anymore and i won't have to go to the Betrayed Spouses Board either. I can't believe, sometimes that all of this has happened this last year.

When i look back on the upcoming annivesary of the start of my A, i realize, i was either exhilirated or incredibly miserable by it from the VERY beginning. He never called enough--i never saw him enough; i always wanted more and more from him; i just wanted to sit with him and have him hold me and talk. i always wanted more than XMM could give.

And now, that is over and i miss it, still. And now, i have to deal with the ramifications that my own pulling away from my H pushed him into an A that i am still working hard to get through.

So, XMM is gone and I am losing my marriage and all of it feels--well, strange. I don't feel sad today, i don't feel anxious, i just feel like i am the one that wanted and needed all these things and for the moment, i remain without. I do feel in time i will get them--first from myself and maybe, maybe later, from some other that will love me. I always think of my mother, though. She was beautiful and smart ( a beauty queen from the 50s) and when she and my father divorced in the 1970s, she never ever saw another man again. I would hate for that to happen to me.

When won't i need this board? When will i wake up and think of my children, instead of all this mess? When?

I tried to talk to my H over the weekend about feeling like i was "second choice"--no matter how hard i've tried, i've never made him feel the way OW did. I just don't think i can live with being someone's second choice. And then i realized, i am probably XMM's second choice too. I also realized over the weekend that XMM is a ton of fun! he has an amazing zest for life--like i do and that certainly attracted me. My H is the DULLEST PERSON ON THE PLANET. We hunted for eggs; he's not into it; we played cards with the boys--hardly a smile. I talk about this amazing book i've read: hardly a reaction. I cry in chruch b/c i am so moved by Easter. NO REACTION. NO RESPONSE.

I deserve more. I am getting more confident and closer to being able to walk away from both. Ending the M is a horrible, decision to have to make. But i am getting closer, smarter and not so emotional about it anymore. I want more; my H wants more; and apparently, my XMM is happy with what he's got. I am grateful we still find away to stay in touch, but i miss, oh how i miss, being desired and needed and wanted and loved and talked to and relied on and dreamed of.

My H hardly said a word to me over the Easter weekend. I tell him the "second choice" thing and he just says, "I'm sorry." He's away on a business trip again until Thursday, so that's it from the H for another week now, i am sure.

I can't wait to break out of this. I can and i will; and i still pray "For God's Will to be Done," and say to myself, over and over again, this is exactly where God has placed me for this moment in time. And i have to be ok with that.

All my love,

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: claricews
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 8:34pm
HI Clarice

WOW (((((HUGS)))))

F