To see xAP at work, HARDER than imagined
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| Wed, 09-15-2010 - 12:07pm |
Up yesterday since 6 am and at 11 pm last night, was at the time clock alone with xAP, a fluke of odd timing. It had been a long day and I have a difficult task ahead of me learning a new position at work, but I'm hanging in there. A minute or two of idle work talk, and for a flippin fleeting moment my head was spinning and my heart was yearning to hear something personal from xAP. Can you believe that?
I abruptly turned away. And when I was traveling home, I found myself side by side with xAP at a stopped traffic light. The longest minute of my life, but kept eyes straight ahead of me. Stupid, stupid thoughts of xAP consumed me on the way home, but I forced myself to shut off my mind and went to bed.
I feel better this morning. I'm ticked off at myself for being weak last night. Ticked off because I was down, so I was looking for comfort in the form of personal words for xAP. From our short conversation, it is obvious he is keeping track of where I am in the building and out on the ramp. I can't do the same since all my attention is on a specific job right now which I'm thankful for.
Will this get easier? I have come so far in the last 110 days and do not want to blow it now.
Any advice from those who have BTDT? Thanks.
MovingON

Hello -
I work with my XAP also so I understand everything you are feeling. It is so hard, some days you feel so strong other days you feel as if you are going to break and this is all normal regardless of how far you've come.
It does get easier for sure but like I said, you will still have "those days" at least Is till do (been LC for 14 weeks).
Just last week he said hi to me for the first time since it ended, he is now smiling at me in that "sweet way" he use to but I have to just keep on going.....moving forward and trucking along. Some days I too want XAP to speak to me (on any level) but that will only sink us and it's best that does not happen.
Stay strong and remember you are not alone.
Hugs
THANK YOU for telling me I am not alone. I mean I had pushed most of those personal thoughts out of my head for many weeks now and was so CONFUSED by my desire to hear something personal from xAP. I could not believe what I was thinking or wanting from him.
Thanks again. At least I did not cave. My mind might have been screaming otherwise, but my actions won out. I still had me intact when I walked away.
MovingON
MovingON
That is what's important right now (well and always at least until you get to the point of not being tempted) is as long as you bite your tongue when feeling tempted. It isn't going to just all go away, those feelings, desperation, longing of having that personal conversation with XAP.......it takes a lot of time for sure expecially for those like us who have to see XAP on a daily basis.
Just this morning XAP and I passed each other in the hall and I made the mistake of looking up, we made eye contact, he smiled that sweet smile at me and said hi......those moments can be so very hard but we have to stay "cool" and not let it get to us to a point where we break LC, ya know?
Always come here to talk it out, that is what I do, even if it seems to you it is something "dumb" and small...it isn't if it is heavy on your mind.
Hugs
I've said before, I have so much respect for those of you that have to maintain LC. I don't have to work with mine, but what I do want to add for EVERYONE is that just because you have X number of days under your belt, don't think that you're "home free". Take Luvin for example - she received that letter after, what 9 or 10 months? Keep your EAS armor on at all times where your XAP is concerned. :) I am!
I have complete faith in you MO. You're going to be fine.
Bodhi