Seeing him again...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Seeing him again...
8
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 6:47pm
Hi all :-)

I am new to this board, but already feel at home with you guys. SO good to know there are others like me out there - and I hope for your thoughts and support on this one.

I had an A for over a year which just ended a week ago (or so I believe...). We are colleagues, both married, but live in different countries... Built our A through tons of emails and txt-msg's and our brief encounters - a few weekends while we were working.

He has made me feel SO good, my happiness, self-esteem and energy have never been higher. He understood me, he saw me the way I was and supported me in so many ways. He needed me and told me how much he learnt from me about life. (But you all know how it is, I guess...:-) After the summer things cooled down on his side, I tried to get an answer on why, but never got it. He repeatedly said he loved me and that I shouldn't be confused..

Just after New Year's we were supposed to meet again after a month and a half. I wanted to talk to him and explain that I missed his enthusiasm and him needing me, but 2 days before, HELL broke loose. His W found out!!

He forgot his cell phone, she read a msg from me... He told me about it the next day and sent me a couple of emails, but told me NOT to reply because she would read it. So I went through 2 days without being able to say anything and it was the worst. Even got 2 emails from her, wanting answers... But I just couldn't.

We met as planned and I was very nervous about how it would be. Feared that he would push me away immediately, because he wrote that he wanted to fight for his W and him to stay together. (And this is the same W he constantly called mean, told me she made him feel bad and she never listened...) But we were able to talk, better than for a long time. He said he didn't want to loose me and was looking for options for us to be in touch.

Ended up in bed together and it was the best.. But the following day he said he couldn't stand telling lies and lead a double life anymore. I was totally devastated and felt so so sad. Had to do the work I was supposed to as well. Can't believe I made it through those days. We talked a lot during the weekend and couldn't really let go. Slept together as well.

When we parted he said he still loves me and would make a new mail account for us to be in touch. I can't send him messages or mails until he does - and now, a week later, he still hasn't... It has been very difficult, but day by day it was a tiny bit easier. I resisted the urge to call him at work (which is the only way for me to be in touch) and felt very proud of it.

BUT: A few days ago he suddenly sent me a txt-msg on my cell phone. I was shocked to see his name, but so disappointed when it was only a restricted work msg. I asked him if he was alone, but he wasn't. He asked me how I was, and I told the truth about how terrible it felt, but it was getting better. He replied that he had so much work to do... Not a single word about missing me or having a tough time.

This set me off on a new round of thoughts and emotions, and even though I don't want to admit it; I still hope we will be back "together". In less than 3 weeks we will meet again, and I don't know how to handle that. Hopefully I will feel a lot more secure than I do now. But seeing him again will be a tough test. If I follow my lust, I will be back in the same S.IT a few days later. But how can I resist???

Please, any advice??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 12:17am
read all the posts you can on this site -- read back as far as you can stand. You'll see your answer from many different women, with only slightly different variations on your situation.

An affair is NOT a good place to be. It makes you feel good the way heroin makes you feel good -- that intense feeling is SO addictive and ultimately SO destructive.

It's not a good feeling that gets better & grows as your relationship grows. Because this relationship won't really grow. It'll become more traumatic and more upsetting and more intense, but it won't grow into a rich deep satisfying happiness.

What you've got now will not get better except in those stolen moments or weekends if you can stop thinking basically.

Stop it now while you've some lovely if bittersweet memories. A nice little fling.

If you keep it up, there are 2 likely outcomes -- big drama trauma in a triangle with him & the W and 99% of the time, you're the villain and they stay married. OR you hang in like this for years, on an emotional rollercoaster that mostly feels awful. You start needing him to feel good at all (like a drug get it?) but all the rest of the time, you hate yourself for settling and waiting & your life just starts to disappear.

I thought I was SO smart because I made sure I spent quality time with friends & I dated single guys too (I'm single) and spent lots of time with my kids. I thought, I won't be an idiot waiting for the phone to ring -- this A is just icing because I'm not ready for a real relationship. Well, 3 years later, I was messing up at work, neglecting my friends (who strongly disapproved but in a very loving way), deeply depressed and just a mess, grumpy with my kids and hating myself.

Be smart -- stop now while it hurts but it hasn't messed up your life -- because it will -- like I said, read on & you'll be a believer -- your A is more like the rest of ours than not, I bet. JMHO!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 4:51am
Thanks a lot for reading and answering. You are right, it helps a lot to read what others write in here. So many similarities...

My addiction for him is still very strong, but as a friend of mine pointed out; it grew stronger once he started backing off. Guess I got more and more desperate to get him to need me like he used to. And now it pisses me off that it's easy for him to let go, while I struggle.

My M is ok, my H is nice and loving, but we hardly ever talk about things that are important to me. I need to feel connected. We seem so used to each other and it scares me that this will probably never change. My MM and I had known each other for some years and had a friendship from the start which meant we were in touch now and then. I saw him as very married and never had any thoughts or desires to be in love with him. But all that changed when he kissed me and told me how special he thought I was. Yeah... I so needed to hear that stuff, and the problem is I still do.

But reading your reply made me think again. This situation will never ever change for the better. If I let myself continue, I will probably be worse off than I am now. Like you said, better to quit while the memories are still good.

Is it possible to go back to the friendship we had?? In a way, I believe so, but it will take a long time to heal first. I hate myself for being an addicted drama queen. Where did the happy me go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 12:02pm
Hi Mankella,

Your last 2 paragraphs really got to me, especially the last one, it hit me straight in the heart. Your situation is so like mine right now. You are right, it will never change for the better. If we continue, it will make us worse. I just keep thinking that with time it will eventually get better. We have to not think about our OM. It is the hardest thing. My brother told me once that in counseling he learned a tool. He was allowed to think of his problem for 30 minutes each day for one week, then 25 minutes each day for the next week, etc., by the time he was allowed to think of his problem for 15 minutes each day he didn't even want to anymore. I am trying this tool with my thoughts of my OM right now. It's hard, but I have to be committed to it. I would give anything for my A to just continue, but he does not want that so it is out of my control. I need to take back control of me. Our OM take control of us. They maybe don't mean to, but we allow them to. I have the good memories, the sexy memories, the things only the two of us know about. I cling to them. I'm trying right now to maintain a friendship with him, but I don't know. He keeps saying we will get together to talk after this, than that, than this, so who knows if we will be friends. I hate myself for being an addicted drama queen also. Where did the happy me go? I have lost so many happy days. If we really want our happy selves back, we are going to have to work very hard. We got ourselves into these situations and only we can get ourselves out. Thinking of you, C
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 3:39pm
Hey C!

You are absolutely right, only we can get ourselves out of this. But it is SO hard... Feels very much easier when you are able to share it with someone, though. Very relieved I found this site.

Your advice is very good - about only allowing ourselves limited time to think about our problems. What I am concerned about right now is that I will soon meet him again. I think a lot about how that will be. I have debated with myself whether I should look very sad and vulnerable or if I should hold my head high and show him I'm doing fine. I think it will be the latter, so he can see what he is missing out on.

Then again, right now I think that if he wants to be close again during that weekend, I will let him. Just one more time, you know... It sounds very weak, but I wasn't ready to give him up yet.

I hope you are doing ok, C! Thanks for replying!!!



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 4:27pm
I just wanted to throw my hat into the ring as another addicted drama queen. I'm pretty sure that's what made MM end it this time. Our relationship was supposed to be fun and exciting, a break from our everyday realities, a chance to explore our adventerous natures in ways we couldn't with our spouses but I started getting needy and I think it became too much work for him.

You've gotten some good advice here. Advice I know I too should follow. Thing is I know that like you if he asked I would be there. I guess I'm still letting my heart lead me instead of my head.

Hang in there!

jw

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 4:41pm
I hear you. I wasn't ready to give my OM up yet either and if I had the chance I would be with him again in a heartbeat, even with all the pain involved. I get so bored with everyday life, the drama is actually a diversion. BUT, it has to end sometime...I can't continue this way for much longer. It is so hard. Good luck when you see him again, C
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 8:41am
Hi jw and C!

I have thought a lot about this since reading what the 2 of you wrote. How did we end up as freaked out and addicted drama queens? We should be in charge, be carefree and happy about ourselves.

Think you are right when you say that this is what made them get scared and run away. In the beginning of my A I said to him that we should have fun and enjoy all the good sides of what our contact gave us, use it for all it's worth in our daily relationships. I wasn't that deep into it at first, but it got harder and harder after our weekends of love, fun and lovemaking. We were so connected. And that thrilling feeling of a mail or a call, like you're all bubbles inside... It's hard to be without it.

But he withdrew and I pushed more and more and more. That made it difficult and very serious for me, a lot worse than spending too much time on the computer like we did in the beginning. I would still spend the same time on the computer waiting for a mail, but feeling terrible when another day passed without. Just thinking about all those other things I could've done with my time :-(

I WANT to be cool and fun, enjoy life, family and friends, not waste my years being addicted to the feeling that he is the only one who can make me happy. I'm thinking that if/when I can get passed this seriousness and all these thoughts, I'll be great!

Go girls!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 5:38pm
I felt exactly the way you did -- at first it was SO good. I just couldn't understand the downside -- at first I didn't want more than our little corner hidden away from the world.

But relationships have to grow & develop or they shrink & die. And a relationship based on lies & deceit & hurting just can't help you grow & develop.

The married women on this site make me the saddest -- because I know how hard it is to change a bad marriage. I couldn't. My A ended as I started dating again. I hated dating but I did find someone special, so I had that excitement & fun to replace the affair, which by that time just left me feeling sick & ashamed & bad about myself.

Later, when the relationship got real, I had to learn how to think & behave in a REAL relationship. It's been an adventure. I did need therapy to help me there.

I don't know if your marriage can be transformed but I bet you can't do it on your own. Could you try marriage therapy or even therapy just for you? It might help you see things in a new way & help you figure out a way to find a happier way to live.

Good luck to you. We all deserve to be happy & understanding how to be happy in a healthy way sometimes requires professional help. Crazy isn't it?