Seeing some progress

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Seeing some progress
14
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 1:03pm

Hello everyone.

It's been over three weeks now. We have maintained NC. I'm still sad and sometimes angry. At the very least the soul crushing sadness has subsided and I pray never to return to that deep, dark place. My appetite is back and have begun sleeping better.

The anger is not easy to deal with is it? I have no one to blame but myself. So how do I deal with this anger that is eating away at me. It's not constant. Like the deep sadness phase it comes and goes but when it comes creeping in it's horrible. I'm hoping it will pass with time. In the meantime I hate feeling this way. Any hints as to how I can deal with and release this anger?

Thanks for everyone's support. Just being able to vent a little is a tremendous help to me. I always feel a little better after writing here.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 4:05pm

<<>>

No, anger is the pits. You will find that it comes and goes, and there will be triggers that set you off when you least expect it. What I used to do early on was:

1) Have a good work-out.
2) Take a nature walk (or run like the wind ;)
3) Take deep slow breaths and then visualize peaceful surroundings like the ocean or a rainbow, or a sunset.
4) Get a punching bag ;)
5) Take up kickboxing
6) Journal, journal, journal (while listening to classical music)
7) Hot baths and candles....
8) Read, read, read!!!

I am a year out, and residual anger will still rear it's ugly head. Replace angry thoughts with happy thoughts...and in time, anger will bid you farewell and you will then enter the acceptance stage... This is when the coffee begins to smell real good again ;)

You are doing really good Let-it-go. You should be very proud of yourself,

**ID**

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 4:18pm
It is refreshing to those of us newly starting (or trying to start and keep) NC to see that it works. I am happy for you, keep up the good work and please come back and keep us informed on how you are doing and what works / doesn't work for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 9:14pm

Thank you id.

I know I am impatient. We entered into this A knowing that there would be emotional attachment. It's not reasonable for me to think I can breeze through the mourning period. I realized today that this is the first time in my life that I have intentionally disconnected from someone I had a strong attachment to and there was no anger on either side, no argument, just the understanding that this was not healthy for me. That it was too difficult to continue. I'll try some of your suggestions. Thanks again for responding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 10:06pm

Oh apparently, this is has been so difficult. I can tell you that NC is the ONLY way. The temptation to contact has gradually subsided. Thoughts of exMM continue to enter my mind a hundred times each day. As bad as ending the A has been I keep reminding myself to remember the emotional turmoil I experienced during the A. That is what I now focus on. I set some goals and am doing well so far. I am pacing myself to let go of everything associated with the A one element at a time. I select a behavior and I say "STOP". When that goal is achieved I proceed the next element. Goals reached:

NC - have maintained NC for more than 3 weeks

Look at exMM picture - have not looked in over a week

Read old emails - have not accessed emails in 3 days. Since it's only been 3 days maybe I shouldn't claim this as a success just quite yet. The ultimate goal is to delete all the emails.

I am determined to stay the course and get through this in a healthy way. During the really tough times I come here. I always feel better after I've posted. All here are so kind and helpful.

Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 11:23am
You should be very proud of yourself. You have had several success (even though 3 days maybe a small success, it is success all the same). I liked your idea about working on one goal at a time. The longest NC between me and my mm is 8 days. Then I picked up the phone at work and he was on the other end. I do not call or email him anymore and I have asked him to do the same. He still continues to call and email. I am getting better though. I don't respond to the emails and he called yesterday and I came really close to hanging up on him when I heard his voice. Keep up the good work!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 2:38pm

I know that I would not be successful in any of these goals if exMM tried to contact me. I'm not that strong. I continue to check my email daily looking for a communication from him. Dreading the possibility of contact. I don't know if I would be strong enough at this point to simply delete it and go on with my day. I would be ever so tempted to respond. If we were to make contact by phone I'm certain I would not hang up on him. So you see Apparently, you are stronger than you think.

I'm not aware of your full story but have you expressed to MM that his continued contact is impeding your ability to move forward? That this is unhealthy for you? He is an adult and it is time that he respectfully accept your decision. You know his personality and how best to communicate this to him in a firm but kind manner.

Today has been a good day for me so far. I've remained quite busy and although exMM has entered my mind many times throughout the day I have not felt the sadness or anger. He is still the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before falling asleep. I know in time this will all pass.

Stay focused and do your best to convince MM to agree to NC. Again, it is the ONLY way for you to move forward. Wishing you the best of luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 2:55pm
Thanks! I have asked mm not to call me or email me anymore. I guess because I have tried to end things so many times in the past 2 years but always go back, he thinks I will cave once again. He did say that this time was different, he said he couldn't believe how strong I was because in 8 days, I did not email or call him. There was a time when I thought I was going to die if I didn't get to hear his voice or see him during the day. Now, I can go 8 days.....I guess I am getting stronger, I just want it to happen faster. I have told mm that he made his decision to be with his w, so he needed to let me go. He said that he would never walk away from me. I guess I am going to have to be the stronger person and get to the point where I can hang up when he calls. I have gotten to where I don't tell him I love him or miss him anymore. I know it hurts him but this is something I have to do. I am glad you are having a good day and I wish you many, many more!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 7:16pm

OK, I understand.

Now, no more crying wolf girl!

You have succeeded in not responding to emails. I think that is fantastic. Now focus on tackling the phone issue. The next time he calls find the strength to clearly and firmly communicate your need for NC. You can do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2005
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 8:39pm

Dear AS:

I hope soon I will be in your shoes. It's only been four days for me and my MM has left me VM daily. Today, he left one saying that he wanted me to clarify where our relationship stood, after telling he couldn't leave his daughter. Later this afternoon, he left another message saying that I haven't returned any of his messages and when do I want my key back.

As tempting as it has been, I have yet to return his calls or leave him any messages. Even though he still has my key, I have not attempted to call him.

I don't think I have the strength to talk to him or see him at this point. I certainly don't have the strength to tell him not to call me anymore. As much as I hate to admit it, his messages give me strength....even to continue the NC. At least he's still thinking of me.

No wait....I actually want him to suffer. I hope he misses the h-ll out of me! In fact, I HOPE MY SILENCE IS DRIVING HIM CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!

Good luck to you and the rest of us trying to hang in there!!!!

Cyprus

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 9:20am

No more crying wolf for me!! My mom used to tell me the story and I want to make sure someone comes running the next time I call it.... :-)

I am good with the emails, I guess because I don't have to hear his voice. He called yesterday and he had such a bad day at work, he is close to losing his job. I know I should have been strong and firm and told him not to call anymore, but I couldn't. We have been through so many hard times together and we were always there for each other. I felt sorry for him. I know I shouldn't have but I did. I still love him. I know this is probably going to cause more probs than not, but I want to say good bye to him face to face. I want to look in his eyes when I tell him good bye for the last time and kiss him good bye and wish him well. I finally feel that I am strong enough to do that. I have never been able to end things face to face before, I know if I can do that, then he will know I am serious. I asked him last night if we could meet for a few minutes that there was a few things I wanted to tell him in person. He said that he couldn't. I was shocked because he has never said no to me before. I asked why and he said that he was in a crappy mood because of work and wouldn't be good company. I didn't push the issue and said ok. We started talking about something else and he said, "That wasn't the real reason why" I asked what the reason was and he never really would tell me. He said that he was frustrated with his whole situtation and his life. I asked if he was frustrated at me and he said no. I think he knows...he knows me well enough to know that I need closure. I want to do things face to face and say everything there is to say and have nothing left over. But then he said later on, "Can I see you tomorrow night or the next night?" I told him I didn't know, I would have to see and let him know. I guess he is hoping I will change my mind, but I won't. Not unless he is ready to jump off that fence and even then I am now starting to have doubts.

Sorry for the long reply. Thanks for the encouragement. I know it may not seem like it but I am getting stronger and ending things slowly. If I do this cold turkey I think my heart would stop beating.

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