Seeking advice on 'honesty'

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Seeking advice on 'honesty'
9
Thu, 06-17-2010 - 11:41pm

Seeking advice on the subject of honesty.

I am new to this board and looking for support. Background...I have been in an affair for two years. It's been an emotional affair since we haven't had sex, but nonetheless an affair. We started out as co-workers carpooling and by the end of the month knew there was incredible chemistry noted by kissing and lots of hugging. We are both married, him 26 years, me 25 years and 10 months apart in age. He has an adult daughter, I have two adult children and almost 13 year old twin girls.

Early on in the affair, his wife found out, but it didn't end there. His wife forbade him to contact me, asked me not to, even called my husband. However, my husband only asked I had slept with affair partner and since I hadn't, it was put behind us.

However, new phones purchased, new ways to communicate, new ways to see each other. Fast forward nearly 1.5 years later and he was caught again texting. Ugly scene from what I was told by both with a physical brawl and a smashed phone.

He called me with his wife standing by saying it was over, that we as a couple would never happen and how his daughter hated him. He called me twice in a day to tell me that. He also said I owed his wife an apology and put her on the phone. I apologized and she talked to me an hour and asked me all kinds of questions. I was tired of lying and answered truthfully anything she asked me. Shortly after that conversation with his wife, confusion set in with an email saying he was on lockdown at home, he would get a new phone and still loved me and to continue with 'game plan' of that we never meet, only talked about certain things. I was thoroughly confused and sent an email back asking what was going on. Apparently, his wife and adult daughter put spyware on his computer and retrieved emails sent to him from me. Then I get two more angry phone calls asking why I had lied about seeing him, meeting him, kissing him, etc.

This all happened the week of my son's bday, my 50th bday, my daughter's graduation open house and my colonoscopy. Could there have been more stress in my life, add to my heart broken? I found a therapist and had been working with her on my 'double' life. She encouraged me to snail mail many emails from my affair partner to the wife to let him know what he was like and to burn bridges between us so this affair would end once and for all. I printed off about 40 emails of 500 and sent them off.

Of course, this rocked the wife. I was still made out to be the bad guy, he continued to lie saying the emails meant nothing, the love spoken and the promises of as life together were just words. Now, the wife has decided to perhaps tell my husband again, just not sure when and exactly what to say as I was told this just yesterday with another phone call from her. It's been almost three weeks since this came out in the open. Do I tell my husband first about what happened or what to see what the affair partner's wife will do. I haven't seen my therapist yet since the wife called yesterday. Waiting for my world to fall apart is very upsetting and hard to function. Now I have to decide if I want to stay in marriage or not, but it seems the affair is over.

It's been almost two weeks of no contact. I got rid of pictures, over 2000 texts, 500 emails, cards and notes. I was very upset thinking how much of the past two years I put into this relationship thinking this was my 'soulmate.' My emotions are raw and feel empty, but keeping my dignity and choosing no contact.

I am trying to put renewed energy into my marriage but that will take time. I feel empty when it comes to my relationship with my husband. I am still here in the marriage because of my youngest daughters.

Any advice? Thanks.

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2008
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 12:37am

Well, first of all... welcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2010
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 9:31am

Hi there! Welcome and huge hugs as I know right now you certainly can use them. I am sorry you are going through such incredible stress and pain right now, but stay on here and read A LOT!!! Please read through the Healing Library down below, it is filled with amazing wisdom and advice.


I have not had to expose this A in my life either. I am not sure whether it is the right thing, but I will never do this willingly. I will not punish my H for my selfish disgusting behaviour and choices that I have made for 7 years. I love him, he loves me and I know he could never imagine in a billion years that I have done this. He would be devastated and I see no point what so ever in telling him if I am here and working on healing myself.


I am very shocked that your T told you to send those emails to his wife. I find this extremely cruel and just absolutely unnecessary! Maybe I am alone in this opinion, but I would NEVER be going to this T again. Sending those along to her, just added another victim in this torture we have caused ourselves. The details are not important. She knew he had an A...more than one time. She chooses to stay and it is nobodys business.


NC is the only thing you can do now. No contact with him as well as her. You need to start to heal and work on your own physical and mental health. You need to be free of this to decide the best for you and your marriage. I wish you the best, you are in good hands here.


Healing

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 10:15am
Hi, movingon. I want to respond with a longer post but can't right now. However, I wanted to welcome you and congratulate on 2 weeks of NC from your EA. I also had an EA, with hugging only. My EA was short because my DH checked my computer and I had a D-day. I didn't hide my EA very well because I honestly didn't care what my DH felt about it. We have been married a long time also and my marriage suffered from lack of emotional intimacy and issues we carried with us (but didn't know how to address) from the day we got married. Please don't make any decisions about your marriage now. You are deep in the pain of EA fog. I remember the feeling of my heart physically aching and the tears I cried when separated from xAP. I tried LC-it didn't work. I couldn't move forward and heal. Now I am 12 days NC and gain new insights every day. I am understanding why I got myself into an EA and DH has done the hard work on himself, too. My marriage is healing in ways I didn't think could ever happen. We are all here for you-to hold your hand and support you as you work through this. You are not the bad guy. I blamed myself for a long, long, time. Now I know that nobody forced xAP into the A-he went willingly. Take care of yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 6:55pm

Hugs to you and welcome.

You did a right thing by ending the contact, because obviously no ddays would've stop him from continuing on with you.

And therapist gave you the most cruel and dangerous advice. If I were you, I wouldn't even go back to him/her. You xap lied his way out, as they always do. Of course emails meant nothing. All of it meant nothing. We meant nothing, and we risked everything to be in the relationship with them.

And now you have to deal with all this mess. But you'll do fine, and with time it won't hurt as much and won't matter as much either. Stay strong and away from both of them.

xoxo
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 7:45pm

Today has been an emotional day. The XAP's wife has been texting me all day to try and meet tomorrow? I met her once about two years ago and not sure what her motives are for meeting? She has tape recorded her husband in the past (planted them in the car, work, home, etc) and can only think that is why she wants to meet in person. I thought this was over and it keeps coming back to me. Perhaps that is wrong of me, but she is still keeping the threat of going to my husband over my head and perhaps seeking answers and more information?

I'm not comfortable with the idea? Is there anything left to say? Thank you for advice about the therapist. She said the wife needed to know what the husband was like and had suspected this was not his first affair. I can't undo the sending of the emails. I wasn't thinking clearly either when they were sent.

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 8:04pm

Is there a way for you to block the number so she won't be able to contact you?
Do not meet with her. I know it may sound very callous, but you owe her nothing, and she has to deal with this disaster in the best way she can as a grown woman that she is. You didn't cheat on her - her husband did, so she needs to be talking to him, not you. She has all the evidence now - emails etc. She is probably going crazy not knowing what to believe - his emails or his words that all of it meant nothing. But you won't be able to help her because in the end she'll believe him anyway, and it will only make it worse.

Why is she threatening to go to your husband? He knows already, right? If she's going to threaten you with those emails, you can always say they were unsolicited and he was stalking you.

But no, don't meet her, it's not about them now, it's about you and your healing and getting out of this mess. Try to find a way to block them so they'll keep their drama to themselves.

xoxo
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 06-19-2010 - 10:26am

I don't think I've officially welcomed you to the board, so "Welcome." Now, about those texts you're getting? Either block them or stop reading them. Haven't you put yourself through enough self inflicted pain? His W knows everything she needs to know, and you are not a pawn in her chess game, so step away. There is absolutely no reason to meet with her. If you haven't

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 9:56am

I appreciated all the advice about not meeting the XAP's wife, but I did Sat AM for over two hours. I know all of you who replied to me said not to meet her, but I did.

I let her ask questions and she did ask things about what I had done, never what her husband had done. I remained calm. I didn't fuel her pain but saying, yes I did that, but did you know your husband did this or that? From what she told me, he has lied a great deal and I'm getting better about being angry about it. He is doing and saying anything to save face right now.

She tried to blame the A all on me, their failing business on me bc her husband had checked out of his responsibilities. I told her I would share in half the blame only.

The reason I met is bc she is still holding the threat of going to my husband over my head. She wanted information bc her husband has not told her all she wants to know. But after I met with her and left, (wasn't even home yet) and she is texting me again asking more questions. I answered two more questions and than that was that.

I felt I was more than accommodating and have decided if she contacts me again, that I need to firmly put my foot down and tell her I need to heal and move on from this situation. No more texts and not another meeting.

I do feel stronger this time (wife learned of A before, then it stopped for a couple of months, continued again) and know that it is over. The A fog is lifting, my head is clearer and now see the HUGE error of my ways. I also see the XAP as for what he really is...and not what I thought he was. I no longer have an urge to desperately see or talk to him. It's true, I still think of him a lot (hard not to since he was a big part of my life for 2 years), but I don't think of those 'good times' at all. I replay the end of the A when he lied to me, said hurtful things, accused me of things and reacted only to save himself rather than what he said he would do.

I'm going to be okay, time will heal. I have a lot of work to do in my 25 year marriage for both my H and my kids. I'm proud to say 16 days of NC.

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 11:07am

hi, i don't come on this board as much as i used to, but i do check in sometimes.. and i wanted to reply to you because i read your post and so much of it hit home for me.. soo many similararites in it.. and i think you handled things well.. i was never strong enough to meet with the wife... she knew too much... and i didn't want her to see how scared i was of her destroying my life as i was part in destroying hers...


i was in a very similar situation. i am married almost 19 years, had a 4 year affair with a married man, he had 3 d-days on his end.. i had several encounters with his wife.. mostly text and on phone. and there were several promises that she was going to tell my husband of the affair.


it has been over 3 mos since the relationship ended. i will tell you, that for me, she never contacted my husband. i think she is busy working on her marriage.. and i am on mine.... i decided to not tell my husband of the affair... i did worry HUGE in the early days that he would find out... i do still worry that he might.. but i don't think she will come looking to destroy me... she has enough to deal with on her end...


stay firm. i agree with you to tell her to not contact you again.. you have done what she has asked of you and i am pretty sure all she really wants is to know

~ life....

http://nomoreblues.wordpress.com/

Oh just leave me just get out of my head
'Cause I can't ta