Seeking support and guidance
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|Mon, 02-03-2014 - 1:55pm|
First I want to thank you all. I have been not been able to find anyone to confide in or help me get through this difficult time. I found this forum and have been reading for the past few weeks. I have been able to identify so deeply to many of you and today I have finally found the courage to open up and share myself.
I am married for 16 years with 3 boys. Somehow along the way tI developed this deep void, being unable to connect with my husband emotinally and sexually despite desperately trying to. We work hard to raise our boys together and I feel like we have become roomates and co-parents. I kept trying to ignore my own needs and desires for the sake of the kids and for peace in the marriage. I felt so unloved, with no romance and I was craving my husband's attention - For him to see me and desire me as a woman and lover rather than just the mother of his children. I started to lower my expectations and will myself to be happy with what I had. Meanwhile I began fantasizing about love and romance in my head. A couple of years ago a family friend (married man) began private messaging me on facebook. At first it was very harmless. I didn't hide anything from my hubby. We joked and I found myself looking forward to unwinding from the day with this guy. I could talk for hours and instantly felt relaxed and heard. overtime we began texting and emailing and he asked to call me. We have so much in common. He shared my desire for more passion and we began playing these fantasy games. Things began to get flirty and heated and before you knew it I was hiding our conversations and sneaking around. He showered me with affection and made me feel beautiful. Our relationship became an emotional affair. He really "got me" and I found I could share anything and everything with him. We both tried calling it off several times due to guilt. but somehow kept finding each other again and giving in. Over the years we began to start sexting and having phone sex. Then we began to skype and have "sex" that way. We both kept rationalizing that we never actually "touched" each other so it was still not an affair. The truth is it was the best sex I ever had. I would soak in the bathtub and he would talk me through screaming orgasms. His voice is so incredibly sexy and he just knew everything about me, how to make me escape into a fantasy world with just the two of us. I never felt so alive and so passionate. I fell madly deeply in love with him. I became too emotionally involved and it began eating away at me. I cannot lead a double life anymore, my energy was sapped and I couldn't focus on my kids and hubby and work. My husband did not deserve this. I need to focus my energy on mending our marriage. It was too much...meanwhile this guy seemed to be able to balance married life and me just fine. I began to want more. To be really intimate. To have his attention and not lose him to his family. He would leave me after sex (our version of sex)...I mean i would have this need to emotionally cuddle, to process and he would just be busy and not call for like a week afterwards. He did the classic guy pull away after getting too close. I always allowed him back after his breaks because I craved his attention. Finally, after finding your group and gaining the strength I told him straight out that I want out. I am now focusing hard to be back in the moment in my real life. I want to change..to work on my marriage and be there fully for my boys. I need help. I have found a therapist and will begin going weekly. I cannot share this with anyone of my friends because I know I will be judged. I have not contacted my xAP for over a week and the urges are becoming un controllable,...my stomach is clenching and I am doubled over in pain. I want him so badly but I want my life more and I can't see to be strong enough to stick with what my head knows to be the "right thing". My heart hurts. Please help me. I ache all over.