Self-doubt
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| Wed, 05-12-2010 - 11:43am |
The recent discussion started by pilatesgirl got me thinking about my A and how I feel about xAP now. And I'm feeling kind of insecure today. The positive feelings of the past days vanished and I'm in a dangerous emotional state, in which I might do the cyberstalking thing again. So I'm writing here instead to strength my resolve of not doing it.
I use to say that I don't hate xAP, that we both used each other, but deep down I feel like he used me more than I used him. Or that I cared more for him, so it's more ok if I manipulated him. Or that he got what he wanted from me (sex), and I didn't got what I wanted from him (friendship, be part of his life), so he is more to blame than me.
What kind of warped thinking is that? Why is it, that when I say I don't hate him, he's no more to blame than I am, I feel threatened? Why is it so much more despicable for him to lie to me in order to get sex than it is for me to lie to him in order to get romance? Or is it a double standard pure and simple, if I manipulate him it's ok, but if he manipulates me he's a pig?
Sorry, I'm rambling. But every time I question my role in this whole mess, I end up feeling like a witch, then I feel sorry for him, then I want to apologize, bleargh! And then, since I can't do this, I end up cyberstalking him to know what he's up to these days. Oh, my! How do I break this horrible cycle?

Prudence,
As a non-hater, I feel you. Why don't you just call it a draw in the blame department and let it go? We are all adult, responsible for our own actions - he played his part, and you yours. There is no apology that you owe him or he to you, at this point. If you really care about xAP still, then do the kindest thing for both of you and release him (and yourself) from this web of contact. NC=no new hurts for BOTH of you.
Stay strong!
Dee
Prudence,
Affairs are all about lies and manipulations. It really doesn't matter who did it more and for whatever reasons. The simple truth
~Iddy~
Hi Prudence.
Just wanted to put my two cents in since we share similar stories.
I was musing along this line of thinking myself this a.m. How I was not a "saint" in this whole mess either. Making it kinda unfair for him. Then I start to consider his feelings and that's when I really begin to feel needy again and remember that
Prudence-
One of the absolute best things I did for myself during this ending journey was to stop blaming. Stop blaming xap for what he did or didn't do. Stop blaming H for the problems in our M. Stop blaming myself for getting caught up. I just stopped placing blame. It doesn't matter whose fault any of this was. The important thing is that it has ended and I am working to put my life back together. Blame doesn't really help us heal- it only either allows us to use others as a scapegoat for our own indiscretions or perpetuates a self loathing that brings us down. It is much easier to just let it go. Simply let it go. Take responsibility for your part of this, but don't concentrate on blame- concentrate how you will move forward and be a better person.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
It's not really your prerogative to "feel" like getting better, Prudy, it's your obligation. You do it whether you 'feel' like it or not. You have a lot riding on this; picking and choosing if and when you're going to get on the stick and apply what you know is a luxury you and your FAMILY cannot afford.
So, pack up the pity picnic and get back to work.
Do something positive and do it NOW.
with love,
Dee
Thank you, Dee. I guess I'll take a shower then.
Hugs
Prudy
xox
Hi, all
Short post just to say I'm feeling slightly better today, thanks to you. I'm heading to T right now.
Prudy
Good to hear, Pru. Let us know how your T session went.
(((Hugs))
~Iddy~