self-esteem slipping - please remind me

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
self-esteem slipping - please remind me
9
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 10:00pm
This crappy healing process is tiring. Do you find that you're cruising along and things are finally looking brighter, and then bam, suddenly you find yourself slipping back into the tunnel? After 2 months of blissful minimal contact, and very 'safe' platonic emails, my xOM (a co-worker) came back for a week and called me yesterday. We had a brief platonic chat, and I was my usual cheerful self, but after that I just wanted to cry. Last night while my husband lay sleeping I found myself crying. I don't know why, but I thought about the past, my husband's infidelity, my own infidelity, and I felt awful. I realise now that this all about my self-esteem, because I notice that I've been craving affirmation and attention from guys, ever since my husband told me about his affair a year ago. After a brief fling with my xOM, I've been doing very un-me things like chatting with strangers on the internet, and heaven forbid, flirting with guys online although I draw the line with meeting them in person. It's not me! What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm desperate - someone, anyone, please give me an idiot-proof list of what to do to raise my self-esteem. I'm sure I've given sensible advice here before, but I've forgotten it all because I'm very very confused today. I probably have the answers in the back of my head, but I feel like I have to take a shovel and clear the mounds of grey fuzzy cobwebs before I can reach them, and I was hoping this board could tell me an easier way...

Thanks for letting me vent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 11:03pm
Not sure about an entire list (and it's obviously not idiot-proof as in the past, I've slipped backwards) but eventually, I did learn and I keep reminding myself that I'm WORTH and DESERVING of MUCH, MUCH MORE THAN xMM could ever give me!

Turning to HIM or anyone else for that matter in hopes that they will boost my self-esteem is a waste of MY time!

Different things work for different people but for me, it's those little things in life that make the difference. The taking care of ME....doing something great for myself that makes me feel great about ME.....had a facial yesterday, did some shopping and have a hair re-style appointment Thursday.

My best self motivation is looking in the mirror and knowing that I won't need to lie to anyone or myself about what I did or whom I did it with!

Good Luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 8:10am
Every morning, when you wake up, tell yourself that you are loveable and that you are loved. Whenever you look in the mirror, tell yourself how beautiful you are, and what an amazing woman you are. You may not believe these things at first, (I didn't when I started doing this).. but if that's the case you will start to believe it after a while. Another thing I have found is that our external realities tend to reflect our thoughts. So if we conciously change our thoughts and stick with it (it can be hard!)..the empowerment from that can be a tremendous self-esteem boost. It will also help to forgive yourself. Let what's in the past remain there. We have this moment on to make the best of our lives and make the right decisions.

Much Love,

Star
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 8:30am

There is no idiot-proof list on how to raise your self-esteem.

Iknowitstime

(and so do you)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 9:38am
I've got some idea's for you and some questions.

1. Find a sport you like... teamsports are cool.. there are lots of leagues to join. Softball, indoor and outdoor soccer..I find the fellowship with the other ladies is wonderful. It's better though if your not that good that everyone is in it for the FUN aspect.. not the victory. Or join a gym... make regular contact with other upbeat people.

2. Read, read, read... upbeat stuff.. Learning new things always makes you feel better

3. Listen to good.. music that puts you in a good mood

4. Find something and some time each week for just you...

5. Friends, friends, friends... reach out.

Now here's my question.

I have also been cheated on...but, I didn't stay. So I don't know how that feels.

My Xmm's wife knows about the whole thing. UNfortunately, I have to deal with her for a long time to come... baby and all. How would you suggest I treat her?

We've never met face to face. We only have e-mail contact right now. So far.. I've always been polite..trying to keep to the important/necessary topics. I don't wish to hurt her anymore then she already has been. I feel very sorry for her. I never wanted to steal XMM away. I don't really think I could have anyhow.

I'm pretty sure that your Husbands other woman..could have never stole him away from you either... "we" you know the other women are a distraction at best. We are not ment to be kept.

Anyhow, I have much respect for my XMM's wife. She has handled this well. How can I, or what can I do to help her in the future.

Thanks for your help!

I'm sorry you had a bad day yesterday... I kind of crashed as well... I'm feeling much better today... I hope you are too...

Katja

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 10:47am
Caring,

You go girl! Keep it up, and give us some of that vibe!

I know I am one that needs it!

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 2:52pm
First of all , we all have bad days and it is quite normal to miss XOM or the attention even months after you have minimal contact or NC. You will find that there are women here on the board that mention having days like that. So you are not alone.

You bring up a good point. Your self esteem has plummeted since your husband had an A. It is important to remember that your husband having an A had nothing to do with you. It was not that you were not pretty enough, smart enough, young enough. He made a mistake and it was about his hang ups, not yours. That does'nt mean that you should not try and find out what the problems were and are in your marriage and try to improve them or deal with them differently. I hope you are in therapy, and if not you may consider it.

Even I, who had an abusive XOM find myself missing him on occasion. I miss the laughter, the text messages, the hanging out and laughing....but the bottom line is that the A was not good for me and it has to stay over. It was a poor way for me to deal with the problems that I had. I have since learned different ways of coping with my problems and/or lonliness. As far as self esteem goes there is no idiot list. Nobody can give you self esteem except yourself. The usual therapist thing is to tell you to get involved in something, (volunteer work, a hobby, etc) maybe work out and take care of yourself, do something that you are good at so that you can feel better about yourself. Self esteem happened for me when I stopped waiting for validation from other people to make me feel better. I am all that and a bag of chips and noone has to tell me, although they do anyway! LOL....

Good luck to you.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 8:17pm
star, thank you very much for your message. I will take your advice starting right now... sometimes we know what's good for us, but when we're at our lowest, it helps to have other people give us sound advice... that's why I'm so grateful for this board.

I look in the mirror and I'm happy with my physical appearance, but I still feel sad because I feel like I don't know my 'inside' anymore. Sure, people see me, they know I'm so-and-so, but at times like these, I don't know who I really am anymore ... I've changed since this whole affair business, and I miss the old simple me.

THank you so much for your post, really, it means a lot to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 8:27pm
Katia!!! I was wondering how you were getting on.... aren't you due really really soon?

Thank you for your advice. I'm going to save everyone's responses into my hard drive so I can refer to it when I'm feeling down... I think what you said about teamsports and reaching out to other people is so so true... too long I've been keeping to myself a lot, and doing solo things like jogging or swimming, and I think social interaction will do me a lot of good... and I think the world is a safer place if I limit my social interaction to only females for the time being! After my experience with xOM, I realise that I am too insecure and crave affirmation from males, and I don't need that kind of complication in my life right now.

I just want you to know that I have no bad feelings towards my husband's OW. I don't blame her at all, and if I ever come into contact with her, I know I will be civil and nice. I know what she's going through, and I really just want the best for her. I will just have to leave the decision to her and my husband, and I hope everyone will turn out ok at the end of everything.

How to treat his wife? That's a tough one... just be honest and truthful ... what you're doing now is probably fine, as in contact only when necessary ... nobody's expecting you and her to become friends, so don't worry too much about the social aspect, see it as a business partnership of sorts.

I have no idea what I'd do if my husband's OW got pregnant... it'll be the biggest blow because we've been trying for a baby for years... I'll probably force him to support the child ... and if she doesn't want the child, I'll ask her to at least keep it till delivery and then give it to me for adoption... sigh I don't know... I'm a mess as you can see...

Good luck, hang in there, and update us when you can.


Edited 1/14/2004 8:37:32 PM ET by wasnotthinking

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 8:48pm
Caring4me, iknowitstime and shescomeundone - thank you all for your encouragement. You are quite right, I cannot rely on other people to give me validation, it has to come from me. I think I really have to limit my contact with males for a while... I'm putting too many expectations on them and I don't want to ruin good friendships... I've made a list of my strengths, and I am going to look at it everyday till I believe them. I'm also going to go back to my piano and master those technically difficult songs I gave up on long ago...

It's amazing how good this board is... you've all been so supportive and non-judgemental... I know I can post on the Betrayed Spouses board but as a cheating spouse myself, I feel much more comfortable here... besides, I can't handle the anger of the other board. Here there's only understanding and it's much gentler on the healing process!