self perception and satisfaction

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
self perception and satisfaction
9
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 8:47pm

Self esteem, of course, is a big issue on this board. I was wondering this: how do you rate your self-satisfaction with your body-image/general appearance? And, has your level of self-satisfaction been impacted by your A? how did you feel about yourself before/during/after the A? I am not talking about how you rate yourself in compared to others, just how you feel about yourself. But... hmmmm... that does beg an interesting question...: how do you think _others_ see you?

Thanks for playing with me.
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 9:53pm

I have been told I was pretty n beautiful since high school (not bragging on me, please continue to read). I was a little late bloomer but when things came, they came. I am a Latina and have always loved my curves and even after having two kids, I bounced back pretty good. I work out and generally have been happy with my self image on the outside...

Now, lets talk about the inside, always felt like people always thought I was a bimbo..not sure why, so I was and have always been trying to prove to everyone, I am smart, I am special, I am not just some pretty face or just some piece of a$$ for you to conquer...Spent a good part of my life doing that, trying to prove, accept me, I am smart, I even went to law school...always did good in school, but went to prove to the world that I was smart...which does not mean crap, being a lawyer does not mean your a genius. PLEEZE...some of the most unhealthy (mentally) people I know are attorneys...

Ok, after the A....all that self confidence, all that self worth.....almost snapped a finger and it was gone, found myself wondering and comparing myself to others...etc...zapped right out of me. Started to wonder how the W looked, how the other OW looked, did I compare, was I good enough, smart enough, was I as good in bed, did I do everything he pleased, was I a good cook? I mean...it was all down the tubes...

My self confidence was what initially attracted him...but once he got in my head, I let it all go, gave him all my power...it sucked so bad. My mom told me she did not even know me anymore. I stopped taking care of myself, unless he was coming over of course...so nice not to have that pressure anymore...whew!!! what a relief. I dont have to shave anything unless I want to for
me...LOL

Others see me? Hmmm. generally, I think they like me. In my twenties, I just would go above and beyond to be accepted and be liked, now I simply do not care. Take me as I am. I am pretty, giving and kind and too trustworthy...probably too much...to get people to like me or get past how I look and say she is a good person, or she is nice, or a great mom etc...guess some of that stuff still lingers...I think we all generally want to be accepted and liked...I just do not care as much as I used to what people think, but I clearly still care.

Perhaps exAP saw that in me and knew what to get to, to get to me....good question, please give me any feedback if need be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 10:37pm

I'm going to bump up


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 12:45am

The bomb…bombed out…the bomb diggity.


Wait...is this the thread where we rate how Tyra looked with bangs and extensions…then short hair and bangs…and then extensions and no bangs???


Ok, Ok but I really don’t think this is fair Dee since you didn’t share but since you asked: Let’s see. My self-esteem was actually a little bruised pre A as I did not feel desirable to my hubby and was wondering what the heck is wrong with me that my H is not interested? We had a good intimate history even after we had kids. We were not like most couples and things were going strong till about the 18 yr. mark. At that point, it was like my hubby turned monk on me. I mean I got compliments from others. Male and female alike but if your SO is not frothing at the mouth then it is hard to believe your all that and a bag of Cheetos. (Not the puffy ones those are not for the hardcore mature Cheetos connoisseur.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 12:23pm

Omg, Obi-E1, you crack me UP. Diggity!

I think it's going to be very interesting to read how the ladies feel about themselves and hope a lot of them post so that we can get the gist of how self-perception plays into how we deal with men.

Me? I'm hot. I've never really thought much about my looks or whether or not I was attractive to men because, frankly, I've been married or in a long-term relationship my entire dating life -- and I've never tested the wild waters of dating. I've (almost) always been confident and always was able to get and hold the attention of men I found attractive. I look in the mirror and am 50/50 with "oh, I'm actually quite pretty!" to "omg, you look like you got hit with the haggard stick!" but, all in all, I'm comfortable in my skin. I've been referred to as a 'bombshell', even. (giggle) and yet with all this confidence, my xAP often chided me for being naive about my looks and naive about men and their motivations re: me.

Like you, I found myself ego-bruised when my husband's interest in me as a romantic partner waned. xAP never would have hit my radar, otherwise. I hunted that poor man down -- and I did it because I did not feel validated or attractive. From the beginning to the end, xAP made me feel like a freakin' H-Bomb. The validation and appreciation was overwhelming. And, what I think is an interesting side note, xAP and I began our A online through an anonymous myspace and he had no idea what I looked like. He began a flirty, funny, addicted relationship with me based just on my personality. Also, extremely validating! Ugh.

After the A: I think I'm ick on the inside and the stress of the A and the ending shows in my face. I hear my x's warnings about men being dogs and I now look at men differently and am very uncomfortable around them; it's really effected my relationships with my guy friends (and I have many good, platonic male friends.) I walk differently. I feel ashamed being attractive. I shy away from smiling and making eye-contact with men in public. I never compared myself to other women before the A, but now I do and I wince when I see pretty women I think my X would be attracted to. It feels like crap and really dings my ego. I feel like I lost a very charming sense of innocence, and I hate that.

I'm not really going to "the whole package" (hot, smart, confident and so forth) again until I feel good from the inside out -- all on my own, without seeking that validation from others. Did I EVER feel that confidence all on my own, or have I _always_ relied on men to validate me? I need to figure that out. I will never be affair-proof if I don't break that cycle of looking to men to define my worth.

It'll be interesting to see how it unfolds.

Cheers,
Dee
(PS - I am hardcore cheetos, Baby. hardcore!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2009
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 8:55pm

Hi Dee,


Interesting that you posed this question...I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I actually think it's the one issue that is holding me back from really getting past all this.


Before the A, I was pretty confident but never have I had a huge ego or super high self esteem even though I get compliments quite often. I have been told that I'm "stop a clock" gorgeous, many people have asked me "how does it feel to be the hottest/prettiest girl in the room wherever you go", that kind of stuff, but when I look at myself, I see "ok". Some days I think I look better than others but I've never seen "prettiest girl in the room' kind of looks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 12:06am

My self esteem definately took a nose dive both during the affair and now. Im still new to this NC thing but Im getting there.


I too have always been confident (a common trait I belive for all of us on here) as well as complimented on my looks. Never have I been weak or unsure of myself, till now.


This A has drained me of the woman I was and I miss her so much. Im hoping to find her so she can kick the s*&t out of this weak clingy chicks a$$ cuz Im so over feeling this way!


Sweet dreams and thanks to all of you.


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 1:55am

"This A has drained me of the woman I was and I miss her so much. Im hoping to find her so she can kick the s*&t out of this weak clingy chicks a$$ cuz Im so over feeling this way!"


Amen to that!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 12:18pm

Man, I know that feeling... the feeling of looking in the mirror and X pops into my mind. Everything he loved about my physical appearance, my hair, my breasts... so on and so forth, turns me off now when I look in the mirror. I feel tainted and ashamed.

I think I'm going to do some new age-y bs 'cleansing' once I feel I have earned it. Once I have reached 'acceptance' and have moved on, I think I'll get a baptism (in bleach??) or maybe have a shaman burn some sage around me (not _under_ me while I'm tied to a stake, though that would be more appropriate.)

All of this negative self-perception and associations with X and our sexual contact, keeps me from loving myself, and is certainly keeping me from opening up with H, sexually. Geez, if you think looking in the mirror and remembering X is painful, try trying to deal with H doing his best romeo in bed impression, only to be repulsed and fighting back tears when X pops into your head.

Thank you for posting, UTBN, and all who have. I think it's very interesting and helpful.

Fight the good fight!
xo
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2009
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 3:40pm

"Im hoping to find her so she can kick the s*&t out of this weak clingy chicks a$$ cuz Im so over feeling this way!"


I love it!! :)