Self worth

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Self worth
6
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 7:17pm

Its been 35 days since I last had IC with xMM.
Its been 21 days since he last called me.
I am hoping that one day I will not count anymore. Everyone tells me that It does get better and that NC really does help.
Its not helping - I am dwelling on it. I go to Therapy 2x's a week, CoDA midweek, and try to keep myself busy at work and durring the nights and weekends.

I am frusterated at all the articles about A's....they say that the emotions and feelings the people in the A's feel is not reall - but a product of the situation.
I dont believe that. I cant believe that. xMM and I discussed our starting a relationship for weeks before any "coo cooing" happened.
Am I in denial?
In my case we both had very troubled Marriages, and had already moved out but went home a couple of times a week....had already sought help but had realized that we both wanted out of our M's but were trying to get our spouses to "agree" or at least not contest...and have their well being not threatened. All before the A.
I think my situation was that we were all so close. Too close to home. I dont know why xMM did not call one last time and say that he was going to not call again unless he and his W finally filed - and I filed.

I discovered in Therapy today that I place all my selfworth in what xMM does or does not do. MORE RATHER: what I assume and over analyze about what he may think, feel, not feel...etc.
I gave up all my power - handed it over to him whether he knows it or not. How did I do that? I dont know how to get it back.......I have been so weak and depressed that I cant seem to take over my emotions.
When will it stop.......I am afraid that my love for him will not go away. I will be divorced and he also may get one within the next 6 months to a year.....but "I am too close to home" at least thats what I think.....not to mention, his abrubt silence leads me to think that he has gotten over me - let go of his emotions for me....

It was a mistake - he said......regardless of how he felt about me and wanted to be with me......its those words that I wake up in the night hearing.....
Mistake
Mistake
And all I can think is that after all the caring, listening, councling, happiness, fun, intense IC, EVERYTHING.......
has been forgotten and all thats left that he thinks about me is - that I was a mistake.
He chose to deal with his Marriage and try to get his W to understand he wants a D....help her start livin again and take care of herself..........
I feel that because he thinks I am so strong and sucessful that I can overcome this A - while he wallows in self pity and depression over his guilt for my H.
All I feel is Low. Discarded -
How can I go from this to myself again? I will never trust a man again...(ok LOL...I know I know).
Just venting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
In reply to: annakarena
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 7:58pm

<>

He absolutely does know it and he thrived off of that power. I am convinced that my XMM is just playing a waiting game, waiting for me to serve up the power he once had over me on a silver platter (not gonna happen). In a recent online conversation he actually admitted that he knew he had power over me and he misses that. Can you believe it? He actually admitted that to me.
Anyway, I know how good it must have made him feel because it feels absolutely GREAT to me now that I am the one who has the power over me.
You will get there hon, may I suggest that you stop the counting game? I realized that keeping track of the last time we this and the last time we that..... only added to my misery. I know it's difficult but every time you start to think about it, put it out of your head and think about something else. One day you will find that the only way of keeping track is to consult the calendar.....but it wont be worth the effort to do so.
Get busy, find a new passion. Get a new hobby, work out, buy a punching bag...anything to distract yourself.

Wishing you peace very soon!

CG

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: annakarena
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 8:25pm

Aw honey, all I could do right now is give you a big hug. How can you not feel discarded? You did what you had to do in order to be with this man and then he went and rejected you. That HAS to hurt you to the core....BUT...you are discovering something important about yourself. Your self worth is not tied to one other person. You are good, you are special and you didn't deserve what he did. I am so glad that you are in therapy working this through. It isn't going to be easy to heal...it is a journey. Maybe your XMM is using this guilt over your H as an excuse for him not to go through his D. you can drive yourself crazy trying to understand his actions. But honey you are worth your weight in gold and you need to start believing that about yourself. Your XMM treating you like this is about HIM, it isn't about you. You did nothing wrong.

HUGS

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
In reply to: annakarena
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 8:38pm

AK-

Don't think I could have added much more to this post. I feel the same way!! It's been 2 weeks since IC w/ xOM (which ended abruptly right in the middle because H called me and xOM got all freaked out - even though he said there were no emotions involved and it was just sex)and 2 weeks since we have had any contact. He is still my first and last thought of every day. I hate it.

I too, am in therapy - trying to figure out why I cheated on such an amazing man like my H....and why I can't let go of xOM.

<<>>
Don't let anyone tell you that what you had with him was not real. Only the two of you know what it was. I believe xOM & I were truly in love. No one can tell me anything different.

I know how it is to replay conversations and moments over and over again in your head. I do it too. I wish I had some helpful advice or encouraging words, but the most I can offer you is, "Know you are not alone. Know there are others here who understand and sympathize and support you. Know that as much as it hurts, you are being strong and doing the right thing. Take it one minute at a time."

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
In reply to: annakarena
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 9:48pm
"while he wallows in self pity and depression over his guilt for my H.".......Perhaps he loves your husband more than you do, therefore he feels more guilt. A sad situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
In reply to: annakarena
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 10:02pm

<>

This comment frustrates me also. I don't know where people get this assumption. I'm sure it is true in some cases, but obviously not in all. What makes me mad is that if everyone in the affair was single and available, everyone would think "oh, how great that they are in love" but since it's an "A" it can't possibly be love. My xMM's W said that us telling eachother "I love you" were just a bunch of words thrown around. She can't imagine that we were actually truly in love, but told him it was just infatuation. He said to her, "call it what you want, but I know how we feel." I've been infatuated before, and it sure doesn't hurt this bad when it ends!!!

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: annakarena
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 4:29pm
I totally agree. I knew a woman that had A's and based them soley on the sex....friends with benefits I think is the term that she used. It wasn't like that for me. It was a relationship and we loved eachother and I'll smack the crap out of anyone that tries to tell me differently. A's aren't about sex and they aren't about dirty primitive selfish needs. Not all of them are, I'm sure some of them can be.

Jazzdiva