Selfish boardhording

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Selfish boardhording
12
Wed, 12-01-2010 - 6:44pm

My dear friend, who knows of my A, is having some issues with NC and with maintaining boundaries.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2010
Wed, 12-01-2010 - 7:22pm

Wow Dee. This is not an EASy situation at all and I can feel your struggle in your words. It is hard to know if there is a right decision.

I know you feel, as I do, so blessed to have been able to find this place and benefit from it's wisdom. And it is easy to hope that anyone struggling with these types of issues is lucky enough to find it. And maybe that's what you have to do...hope she finds her own way. While I know it is difficult to deny someone this kind of help....it comes down again to what is best for you. As much as I feel for your friend, and know you care, I would just hate to see her introduction result in any kind of muting, quieting, censoring, or dulling down of the on and only deester!!! Fact is you have only made it this far because you did focus on YOU, and would imagine that continued growth must also focus on what is best for you.
And to play the numbers game and look at it from a ROI pespective....sure introducing your friend here would have a positive impact on her...one person... Losin you or somehow lessening your influence around here due to self-censorship would have a negative impact on many....those already here and those yet to come. Or maybe that is just me using logic to be selfish myself....because an alterd Dee would be for me a tragedy (sorry like you needed any more pressure...gulp). And actually my logic is flawed because I am sure your friend being her would result in her helping others and passing it on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Wed, 12-01-2010 - 7:32pm
Dee I wish I had an answer that would be the best solution for both you and your friend. I'm so new I don't think I will have the right response. EAS is such a value to me and I can see how it is a value to posters who find their way here as well. Do you think you could first share with her what you have learned here and then feel out what her take would be on sharing on a public forum? It might not be the avenue she would like to go but since she knows of your A and your progress she could be very open to hearing what steps you did to get there. I'm sure someone will have a better take on it and respond soon. You have been so very supportive to me that I wanted to try and offer some support back:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Wed, 12-01-2010 - 7:49pm

I personally can't say what's RIGHT,

but I can say what I would do.

1) If you're already providing support to her and are willing to be supportive in THAT capacity, can you TRANSPART your knowledge here - AS IF she was on the board?

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wed, 12-01-2010 - 8:20pm

Dee-

I don't have much to add that hasn't already been offered. In my opinion, the "right" thing to do is tell your friend about EAS. But if it were me, I don't think I'd be able to. Anonymity is very important for many reasons. You have to have loyalty to yourself first. No matter what, we all know that until she decides the A is over, nothing will matter - not even all us wonderful EASers.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Wed, 12-01-2010 - 8:52pm

Dee, I dont have the *right* answer either BUT I will tell you I personally could not do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Wed, 12-01-2010 - 9:16pm
Dear Dee ...

Why can't the world be black & white? Sure would make these moments easier, eh?

I hear people supporting you to keep your safe space, and believe me I understand and appreciate that. The other part of me feels that integral to our EAS journey is coming to live authentically & with dignity & treating others from a place of deep care and humanity. I am not sure that I personally could with hold telling a loved one about EAS if I sincerely believe(d), as I do, that the support provided to me here and my off-board relationships that I have formed, helped save my life. Period. However, as of yet, I am not faced with that choice, only you are ... and whatever you decide you KNOW that we will always be here to support you; however you're the one who will have to manage the consequences of either decision. What if she did find EAS and found you here ... would you feel okay with yourself if she asks you why you didn't share this as a resource?

I dunno. Integral to this journey has also been about re-learning boundaries and taking care of oneself. So does taking care of yourself in this case mean withholding information about EAS as a support to your friend, or letting go of the anonymity of your EAS space to feel a different kind of better?

Tough choice hun )-:

Big Hugs,

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Wed, 12-01-2010 - 9:42pm
Dang....u got me all flucked up on this one. I would tell her about EAS. That's just me. Esp if she's my best BFF. Not sure if that's the case with ya...I see both sides of the coin tho....I can't make a call....yuck...I am just thinking of the long term pain EAS could save her from...we clear the fog, we remove those beer goggles and gosh darn it, nobody does it better than us....
I also can not have ya anyway than ya are, A's has been said. So if u can be u and stay around, whether or not she knows it's you or not and u are slightly ok with it, tell?
Otherwise, hope she finds it on her own, but would she be upset that u did not tell her? How close are ya...will she fight for ya in da club if some chicks rolled up on you? That's my way of saying are you too tight like that? If not, then oh well, she's got to get her own...
Took me a while to get to an answer but that's it and I am sticking to it.

Hope u find peace in whatever u decide...
Comes down to how close you are...truly close.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 12-01-2010 - 11:20pm

If you don't want your girlfriend to have that intimate knowledge about you, then don't share EAS with her...period.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010
Wed, 12-01-2010 - 11:45pm

I agree with everyone that this is a very tough one.

I do agree that YOU must come first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Thu, 12-02-2010 - 6:58am
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LOL. Beer goggles? I love it. No more rose colored goggles in my posts. :-)
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha

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