Selfish worries

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Selfish worries
6
Sun, 11-14-2010 - 1:10am

Hi everyone,

On Tuesday I had my first encounter with an uncomfortable position for me in regards to nc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Sun, 11-14-2010 - 2:19am

First of all, My condolences to you and your children for the loss of both their father and your daughter's Bf's GrandFather.

You know Jen,

I dont think it's selfish of you at all - to PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER prior to being there for someone - because really...to be there for someone else is a choice which begins on your terms. ie: if you're in no position to HEAR their pain / grieving - You're NOT going to be good for them. Better let someone else step in and support while you find the right timing for you.

I notice that HERE on the board - where someone posts something that TRIGGERS certain - "cant go there" responses in me - and while I dont want to ignore someone out of being impolite or selfish...I sort of pull back, see what other responses come in - and then offer what and when I can. I think that's just called being "in charge" of how we offer support. Which again, I stress is OUR responsibility.

Can you really offer FULL ON GOOD LISTENING GRIEVING SKILLS, if youve got MAJOR CRAZY RADAR going off - while xap sits a few chairs away, or worse yet...in eye shot?

I think you acted appropriately. Maybe this is a need to "please" or "respond Perfectly" popping up. Where

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
Sun, 11-14-2010 - 9:10am

jen,

your needs are important and must be attended to if you are to achieve and maintain good emotional health. if you don't attend to them, who will? you wouldn't ignore other basic needs before attending to another's would you?

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sun, 11-14-2010 - 9:49am

((Jen))

I will make it unanimous and say that you did the right thing, FOR YOU. This journey is all about making healthy decisions for ourselves now, and you will learn that by doing what is best for you makes you as a mom, W, sister, friend, etc. just a better person all around. We must respect ourselves in order for others to, and if our actions may appear a little selfish...well, this a good kind of selfish, KWIM? You are not "intentionally" hurting anyone now, but you could end up hurting yourself if you do something you are not feeling comfortable about, or are not ready for.

My condolences on the losses you and your family have suffered. Just remember, "What doesn't destroy us only makes us stronger."

((Hugs))

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sun, 11-14-2010 - 11:29am

Thank you Michelle :)

Your not off base at all, how you explained your experiences of when thinking of yourself and being told you were selfish is the same message I got as well growing up as well as a few other ones:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sun, 11-14-2010 - 11:51am

Hi Lillie,

Part of my struggle is knowing when I am doing the right thing. I ignored my inner voice and

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sun, 11-14-2010 - 11:59am
Thank you iddy :)

I had got to the point of not making any healthy decisions that now that I am starting to it feels very foreign! I do need to respect myself for others to as well. Today I feel like I am having a bit of a growth spurt in learning, all of your replies have given me a further awarness. My mind hurts, it feels like I am finally ready to start growing past my old thinking patterns:)

Thank you for your condolences iddy.