Sent goodbye email.. here it is....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Sent goodbye email.. here it is....
9
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 2:14pm
Before I attach the letter, a bit of a background. I am totally devastated, came home from work and everything, can't stop crying. I am M and so is he. We both fell hard for each other but he could barely see me and it frustrated me to to no end. A has been 1 year. Have not had IC since August, he didn't know until this morning that I had finally had it.... This is what I said.

I know you have heard this a few times before but for my own sanity I cannot deal with this thing anymore. I expected too much from you and I am sorry for that. You can't give anymore and you are not willing to try. This last year has been so hard on me and possibly for you too and I can't handle it anymore. My friends have said I have changed, my family asks what the H is wrong with me, HE also asks that many times, the kids know I can snap at any time and are scared of me half the time. All this has happened the last year for some reason. You were such a chase for me that it was like I was addicted to it or something. I have LOTS to give and you have nothing. Your life is just so different from mine, you are like a hermit, either that or you just don't have a life of your own, you live strictly for your family and you have nothing that you can say is your own thing.... you have 3 people who have to know your every move and you can't even sneak away at normal times cause you won't even try and be creative with a lie. You are totally impossible to have anything with. I still can't sort out my feelings for you... maybe it was the whole chase thing that made me think it was more, I don't know, all I know is I can't deal with it anymore. I needed alot more than you do in the intimacy department and I am not wasting any more time waiting. I wish I never developed any feelings at all, I wish I could of just kept it simple. This has been the most stressful year that I can ever remember and I am sooooooo done with it, a person can only take so much. I need to stop thinking about you and start thinking about me. If I am going to do this sorta thing it has to be with someone who actually gives a crap how I feel and takes care of my needs..... I am not into this whole thing of ONCE every few months like you are only willilng to give. What a relief you are probably thinking. I said what you wanted to say but wouldn't. It's too bad that we never had a really good "farewell ...." - you know, one for the road. Didn't the last time last about 10 seconds??? I knew weeks ago that I was done for sure so I have already started the whole healing thing. Every day I feel better (except today for some reason) I hope your life treats you well and I wish I could say I have no hard feelings but I do. I can't help it, I just don't understand why you are the way you are but now I don't have to worry any more. Please take this seriously, not like the other times. I know I can be a drama queen but this time I am VERY serious. Thanks for the experience, I needed it for a realilty check..... I will be very strong and even when I am out drinking and the temptation to call you happens, I will know that you won't answer the phone anyways so I won't be stupid and call. I will miss you so much. I was, and still am totally crazy about you but time will heal all wounds.


HELP. I will have to see him at work sometimes and what do I do if he calls late at night like he used to??? I am so upset, how will I ever get over this. What a mistake, PLEASE, if anyone is reading this who is thinking about having an A PLEASE DON'T DO IT..... Please.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 4:32pm
just curious, whats a little more of your background and his if you dont mind? like how did you meet how long have you known each other? what did you mean by a once in a few months thing? why hasnt he wanted to give you more time? and what has he done recently that would indicate to you that it should be over? and how do you deal with all this with your H and family? do you work in the same place?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 5:28pm
Thanks for the reply Spleen... We have only known each other for 1 year. We met at work, he totally initiated the whole thing and he was very persistant. It took 2 weeks of this and I gave in to him. From the very beginning he has not been able to give me much time. He is 12 yrs. older than me so his kids are of course older than mine and he was caught cheating once about 15 yrs. ago and she has told him that if he ever does it again it will be sooooo over and he has alot to lose.... very nice home, very big pension due to a high paying job.... his kids would freak etc. and he also knows that I would not end my marriage for him if he gets caught so he would be screwed big time. He really has no life and can hardley ever get out. The last time in August his W was out of town and so was my H and we had a great time, we both got home at 3:30 in the morning and apparantly his son freaked on him.... he is 18. So you see what I have to put up with... He practically has to sneak out of the house late at night, then I run the risk of getting caught myself cause then I have to come up with stupid excuses to leave the house at 10:00 p.m. on a week night yet... We have only been able to be together around 11 times the whole year and lots of times we will go like 7 weeks without having IC and it drives me crazy and HE KNOWS THIS. He opened up to me in August and told me he was emotionally involved and cares for me and had even pictured us together and he thinks of me alot he said. I always do this to him... end things then change my mind cause I miss him... but this time I think he knows it is over for sure. It is killing me. He rarely phones me and stuff so its not like we talk all the time. He gives me these searching looks at work lately and this morning before I sent the email he tried to talk to me but I was cold. I know I hurt him this morning with my email but I am hurt even more. I am the frustrated one who can get out ALOT to see him and he can't.... I just don't know what to do. Do I turn off my cell phone every night???? I hate this so much. I never asked for that much more, just a little bit more time.... He is also very scared all the time about me finding someone else to replace him, he asks me all the time. I think he must be frustrated also cause he can't see me and I know he wants to. What should I do? He is going on holidays the next 2 weeks, just staying home he says, without his W so I won't see him for 2 weeks and not likely will he phone after that email... help me someone... why is this so hard.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 8:59pm
Spoiled

So he is afraid that your going to go out and find someone else to cheat with my my what a BIG BIG compliment, he just called you a HO if you don't get it, a serial cheating HO just like himself, charming fellow, I can see what you like about him.

By the way your e-mail is to long and convoluted I would suggest making it shorter and to the point such as get lost and don't come near me again, I have decided to live a life of honor and to be trustworthy so my HUSBAND AND FAMILY can depend on me, my life is going to STOP revolving around ME and is going to revolve around my family from now on, I am staying home and acting like the responsible adult I am.

I am going to honor my family and myself by having nothing more to do with any man other then my husband.


JMHO

Free


Edited 10/14/2004 10:13 pm ET ET by mefreenow

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 9:52pm
hi there Spoiled--

You are at a low point right now. No question about that. But PLEASE think for just a minute...who are you? Think about the person you were two year, five years, ten years ago. Where is THAT woman? The woman who fell in love with her husband, the woman who is smart and vital and beautiful? Find her and get her back!!!


Spoiled, we all want you to heal and be better! you need it, and heaven knows your family needs you to. But it has to be for you :-) I posted this when I was feeling pretty sad one day. Maybe it will help you:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=14242.1&ctx=128

(the rest of you are probably tired of me sending people to this list I wrote awhile back, but I still look at it and maybe it will help brighten soemone else's mood!)


Spoiled, please post as oftena as you need to and don't worry about sounding neurotic--we ahve all been there; maybe not in owrds on this board, but certainly in our minds :-)

Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 9:55pm
OK guys--sorry about all the typos on that last post--I am trying to do a million things at once tonight. Proofing my work has never been one of my strong points...

Meg ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 11:01pm
Thanks meg and free

Meg: I remember your post and read it again, it is wonderful, the best thing I have read in ages.

Free: even though you are very harsh you are right. I have "not been all there" for my family this past year. I have finally gotten a grip, even though it hurts and I am still selfish cause I am letting it hurt me when all it did was hurt my family and myself. Sucker for punishment.

Does anyone think councelling would help or is this support board just as good?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 11:28pm
Spoiled

Sorry about the tone, you should have seen it before being edited, just nasty, bad day at the office I guess.

Yes if you get a GOOD IC then they can help a lot, some times you have to try out a couple before you get a good match but once you do they can help a lot.

Affairs change us a lot more then we realize, they work to make us very "ME" focused and OP focused to the detriment of our families that become a third wheel in our lives and often nothing more then a unwelcome distraction from OM, there is a term called "affair thinking", if you read e-mail you will see a good excemple of it, how many times did you say "I" and the subject was about how this was all effecting you, how much was it about the people in your life that were being hurt by your actions, I am willing to bet before you got into this you were a completly different person, you kids were a priority your marriage was what you life revolved around.

The affair effects how we think and it requires a real effort to restore balance to how we deal with life and our relationships, if you change how you think ending an affair and keeping it ended gets a lot easier.

Believe it or not I am on your side.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 7:18am
hi there Spoiled--

Yes, the IC will help you to find out -- in your specific situation -- what led you down this path. It's sometimes very easy to give advice to others, but it can be tough to objectively evaluate our own situations. Mefree is right -- make sure you find a reputable counselor.

Good luck!

Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 9:42am
Your ten Commandments for moving on are great.

My question to you is how do you recover when your marriage fell apart during

the EMA? If I could go back and do things differently, I would. But there is

nothing left now of my marriage or EMA.

Thanks for all your positive feedback.

Maria