Serial cheaters,,,your O please
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Serial cheaters,,,your O please
| Sat, 01-22-2005 - 10:52am |
Honest opinions please (not just to my specific situation) about serial cheaters.
I was writing a response to Lizzie on the "Celebrate with me, for me" post and wrote this:
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What are your thoughts on this? Do you feel a serial cheater does have/ doesn't have the ability to care for any of his OW? Just curious. I really feel I was different. I do know my worth; although, I lost it for awhile.
SS

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I spoke to my father today. He had As on my mother and also during his 2nd marriage. I asked him the same question I posted here.
He did care for his OW (some more than others). However, he was not willing to end either marriage b/c of them. Everyone works through the ending/understanding of an A in their own way. What the OM thinks/feels is irrevelant, but for now I have to believe that he did share some feelings for me. It's aiding me through my journey of letting go.
I have to accept responsibility for my actions as well. All the blame is not on HIM. I played a part as well. I am married. I am committed to someone else as well as he is. There was never any "misunderstanding" or lies that he led me or I led him to believe about our marriages. We didn't cry on each other's shoulders about how awful our lives were. In fact we spoke of lots of happy times in our marriages...about our children...about our future goals, etc.
I had to let go b/c all the good was gone for me. I started to seperate myself too much from what was real. When I started to have feelings for him, my need to continually adore and appreciate my real life, my very real marriage became almost non-existent. There came feelings of sadness, anger, resentment, jealousy...the whole gamut of emotions that come along with a relationship. He became jealous, I became jealous. We would fight, we would make up. Too much turmoil for a fantasy. Sorry for the broken thoughts. Just finding my way through all this that exist in my head.
SS
Let me add-
Most importantly while He and I are getting some sick and twisted pleasure out of being "lovers and friends". There are two very real people who would be devastated if they ever found out. Their lives would be turned inside out, upside down because of this very unhealthy, self-destructive behavior. They wouldn't feel better to know that we didn't ever plan on leaving them and that we discussed "our" happy married lives with each other. They would be detroyed. The foundation on which we built our lives would be torned down. We took their love for our families and us and toyed with it as if weren't REAL. How dare we be so inconsiderate? How dare we attempt to believe it was all "innocent" because we had this "agreement"? In the end, the agreement wouldn't matter between us because we broke up our very real committments to the ones we claimed to love the most!!! I have been so selfish!!!!
SS
"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t
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Same here. Never was there any talk about leaving our spouses for the other, nor did I ever WANT him to leave his W. They've had 25+ years of marriage, why would I want him to distroy that over me? And my H certainly doesn't deserve to be left either.
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DITTO. Affairs are supposed to make you feel good, they are supposed to bring you happiness, and when they stop making you happy, and all you're left with is all these enormous ugly feelings..it's time to get out. It's EXACTLY where I am now.
HP-
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Do you feel it was harder/easier for you to let go because of the "agreement"? When I read all these stories about the false promises and lines about unhappy marriages, etc, my heart goes out to these women/men who were led to believe and hold on to the "well one day!" I am relieved that I don't have to think about the what if's!
I was finally ready to end it on Thursday because I had enough of "HIM!" We spent a fabulous evening together Wednesday. He made me dinner, had candles lit, beautiful music playing, etc.(Our spouses aren't here! So we are basically able to talk and see each other freely.) We had a great time talking and laughing for hours. He asked me what I was doing for lunch on Thursday, and we agreed to go to lunch together. Well...Thursday came and by noon no phone call so I called him. I asked him what happened, we were supposed to do lunch. His response, "No we weren't either!" I said, "You are full of sh*t. Have a nice day!" and hung up. He called 14 + times and I never answered. In the past, I would have and I would have told him off. This time I said...it just isn't worth it. I knew I would feel sorry for saying something awful and the cycle would continue. I just had enough. One day he is on and the next off. And for it to be just what it is, it became too much of a freakin' hassle.
SS
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Good question..because just the other day I was saying to XMM "there had to be an end eventually, you and I knew that, how long was this supposed to go on, we should be grateful that we were able to maintain a nearly 3 year A w/o getting caught". In which his reply was "is that what you tell yourself to make it easier?"
Hell, I'll tell myself any damn thing I want to make it easier, because this really sucks. When we first started the A, I told him that I dreaded the day that we had to end the A, but that I hope we don't end up hating each other in the end. He said why does it ever have to end? He was disallusioned from the get go it seems. I, on the other hand, knew that if me and him were not in it because our marriages were horrible (because they weren't), but just because we felt good being together, then there would HAVE to be an ending someday.
So to answer your question, I guess it did make it easier, because I assumed this would have to end someday. But I'm just glad I was the one to do it, and that it was on MY terms.
HP-
First....3 years!!! That is such a long time.
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I told him the same thing. I do not want to hate him and the longer I stay....I will. I told him....I am such an easy-going, loving woman, but I am the last person you want to hate you. It takes alot to get me there and I know he is definately one who could do it. LOL!
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Me too! I think I wouldn't feel as strong as I do today if it had been him to say, "see ya!" I took my power back. I left him in silence...no it's over...no well I hate things happened this way...no I wish you well...no good luck to you and yours...complete silence. I would have never been able to do this a month ago, 2 weeks ago...but last Thursday I did. It feels so darn good too!
SS
Sounds like you and me have similiar circumstances. I know what you mean, I couldn't be as strong if he were the one to have ended it.
Yes, 3 years was a long time, but let me break down for you how this played out. The first year was awesome, even though there rough spots, we got through them. During the second year, I saw changes..those changes that raise a red flag to women that are very aware and have their eyes wide open. We started arguing alot, there was alot of distrust (mostly on my end), the relationship was just getting very rocky. As the second year was winding up, I was becoming very clear to me that we weren't going to be happy like we were during the first year. I needed to see changes in a particular situation for me to consider this A being worth me taking the incredible risk I was taking to see him. Those changes never occured. So I told him, although I can still be his friend, I can no longer be his girlfriend. We went back and forth, breaking up and making up for probably the last year of the A. It was officially over about 6 months ago...but he still keeps thinking he has a way back in, probably because I HAVE taken him back a few times before.
That's why I warn the women on here not to play the back and forth game, because that's what he will see it as, a game. Well I'm not playin anymore.
Sunshine, answering your questions:
1) "What are your thoughts on this?"
For me, it wasn't a "game" or something insignificant. Although I appeared on the surface to be successful, I had severe self-esteem issues that I did not address in a manner that I consider now to be healthy. Reacting to the disappointments in my marriage, which I made very clear to all MW/OWs that I was not leaving, I sought relief through a supplemental relationship. An affair. Mine were long term relationships (over a year) and exclusive. I had my wife and my girlfriend and that was it. For 17 years. I reached the point in my life I no longer wanted to be in affairs and I didn't want to be in my failed marriage. (I've posted in the past the various failings of the marriage). I wanted to be permenently with the last OW/MW in a monogomous relationship/marriage, who was by that time already divorced and growing tired of waiting for me. No game, just emotional survival until I found the courage to face my demons and stop the affairs. And, yes, I believe that not "once a cheater, always a cheater". I have not cheated since I made the decision to no longer participate in affairs.
2.) "Do you feel a serial cheater does have/ doesn't have the ability to care for any of his OW?"
I cared deeply for each of the OW/Mws in my life. I can't speak for any other man, only myself. I needed the relationships for my own emotional stability. The OWs needed a part time relationship with me for their own reasons. When the need for a part time relationship faded, the OW/MWs left of their own accord and
Cl-nre-
Thanks for your honesty. I appreciate your candid, truthful response.
SS
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