Serious issues. New handle

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Serious issues. New handle
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 4:17pm
anything So - i'm posting here to determine how BAD of shape my marriage is in.  I posted on the affair board, too.  I have been married for 11 years.  We have one son. He's 6.  we have been in and out of therapy.  I am back in IC.  Second visit yesterday with a new therapist and I really hate the "getting to know you" process.  Here's my main issues. I had an affair 3 years ago.  It started as an EA and then developed when I asked my husband for a separation.  He threatened to commit suicide and told our son that movie didn't love him anymore.  It broke my heart and I caved.  But, I continued the affair.  Then there was a tragic death in my family and I stopped.  I couldn't do it anymore.  I'm a Catholic woman and a good mother and it woke me up to realize I was on the path straight to Hell.   The OM wanted me to leave my husband (he was single) and marry him. I just couldn't. No matter how good things were...I felt it was time I owned up to my responsibilities.  All kinds of things have happened since then.  We seemed to get better and then things got worse.  My husband is very isolating.  While he will make dinners and clean up around the house, make me coffee in the morning..  he won't go to work events with me.  He downplays any success I might have and we are in SERIOUS debt.   He has been/is pushing me to write books on the side (in addition to full time high pressure job).  In fact, that's what he thinks I'm doing right now.  He thinks my writing is SO good that it's going to bail out of all our debt and he tells our son that soon we will be living in a 2 million dollar house, when Mommy's books take off.   When I tell him that I can't sleep at night because I'm scared of the finances (past financial mistakes that we are now paying for) he just tells me to keep writing.  He has not gotten another job or offered to.  He DOES take care of our son when I'm writing - but he does not help alleviate my stress.   As for sex -- we've been to therapy for that too.   For the past few years he has basically asked me to give him a hand job -- and many times wouldn't even actually have intercourse with me.  He has early ending he says it's the best way for him to deal with the problem.  He doesn't try to please me.  After therapy - he did a little.  But, now we are back to the hand job stuff.  I have stopped initiating and we haven't had any sexual contact in 2 months.   He tells me he loves me at least once a week,  he makes surprise dinners, he helps with laundry, he will even rub my shoulders.  But, I feel like we are living separate lives in some ways.  I think that's partly my fault.  He USED to tell me (before therapy) that I should get plastic surgery -- dress a certain way.  If I tried something on in the store-- he'd tell me that I looked fat in it -- (brutal honesty).  I'm below average BMI and he will check me out in the shower and tell me "looking good ...keep it up...looks like you lost a lot of weight"     over the past year, I have wanted to get the courage to leave my husband.   I met several "old friends" on facebook who thought I was separated (my doing).  I met them for drinks/dinner and then found a way to say goodbye.  I haven't had physical contact with them, I just wanted the feeling of knowing what a real guy was like.  A stranger -- could I fall in love or find that passion off the top and get the courage to walk away?   Well,  I recently met one of these men on a couple of occasions for drinks. I think he's going to stop talking to me because he says "even though you're separated I can tell you really have your guard up".   That's because I try to make it like it's a business relationship or something....(in my head).   Now,  I really like this guy and I have considered that maybe now is the time to finally leave my husband. WHen I look at my son I realize what an idiot I've become.  He's a beautiful boy -- we go to church on Sunday -- and he knows nothing of our problems.   I don't argue with my husband - we don't argue at all.   I don't like it when he gets angry or upset so I try not to upset him.   However,  recently - it became clear WHY I am having trouble in my marriage in the first place.  Shining example.  We were set to move out of our rental house and into another.  We HAD to move out by the 30th.  Well,  I handled everything (as usual).   However, I couldn't get off work for the move.  My husband said he couldn't either.  THen, he told me that he could get the day before off to pack.  I said great -- he asked me to call in sick on the day of the actual move.  Which I agreed to do.  I hadn't taken a sick day all year.  Turns out he got our son an audition with a big talent agency and he saw $$$ signs and decided to use his "packing day" to take our son to this audition and left me with the mess.  I had to hire packers that we couldn't afford because we HAD to be out.   The next morning the movers are scheduled to arrive at 7am.  I get a call at 5:30am from my boss (remember I'm supposed to be calling in sick) to tell me that there was a major company emergency and I had to come right in.  There were several deaths in a bad tragedy and I had to be there.  I told my husband I was stuck!   He said I don't know what to tell you?  I said I HAVE to go to work.  What are we going to do.  The movers arrived and an older lady from down the way was going to help watch our son while I was dealing with the movers.  But,  we still didn't even have the keys to the new house.  Well my husband said he was "too busy and I just had to handle it".   He left for work -- didn't respond to texts or vm asking for his help at least brainstorming I was going to handle it.  I nearly lost my job.  Thanks to good movers and a great neighbor -- I made it all happen.  But,  I cried for the first time in a long time that day.   he could have cared less what happened to me -- our son -- or the move itself.  He simply said -- "Sorry I'm busy".    THat was about 3 weeks ago.  Since then, he's been fine.  No issues -- other than the stuff I described earlier.  But,  that's my life -- on and off.   Am I wrong to be considering divorce?  Am I wrong to be staying in this relationship?   I just wish I had someone with full knowledge of the relationship who could tell me -- what on earth I should do.   I feel paralyzed by our bills and fear over our son's well being.    Any advice will be welcome.      
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 5:38pm

Honey, I'm not sure this is the right Board for you.  We are just an unlicensed support group of women and men here to get support to end their affair and to support others doing the same...not marriage counselors and not really, imo, in any position to tell you how to proceed in your marriage.  

You spoke about an OM, but then dropped the subject.  If you are still involved with him, my best advice would be to end it...the affair will only muddy up even more your murky marriage waters, and you are going to need to focus all your energy where it really belongs...only your marriage and family.

My advice to you is to go through that 'getting to know you'  process with your new therapist and let her support and guide you.  A trained, seasoned therapist will help you work this all out.

However, if someone here wants to take a stab at it, they'll speak up.




iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 6:31pm

Are you both the same poster?  If so, I'm going to assume you are speaking to me.  And if so, I like your new name :smileyhappy:

Most of us, and usually unknowingly at the time, are looking to fill a void or we don't have good coping skills to help us deal with struggles that arise in our marriage or's different for all us, but often times the we turn to outside affair in our case...emotional and/or fill these voids and/or allow us to escape real life...and it never works out in our favor.  

It's through therapy where we can delve into our deep-seated issues, address them, and work hard to make changes...along with the support of people with a shared experience...that ultimately helps us arrive at the conclusion that we don't need external sources to validate us or fill our voids and that escaping from, rather than address real life head-on is the not way either.  We learn to draw from ourselves, makes ourselves strong to deal with our real life...and use healthier endeavors to get us back to living the honest life with integrity.  




iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 7:37pm

EDITED TO ADD:  This is another question to pose to ,and then discuss with, your therapist before doing anything.

EDITED YET AGAIN:  It certainly wouldn't be a bad idea, imo, to have a nice sit down with your hubby and discuss how you are feeling an emotional disconnect taking place...and it would be a really good idea if you had some solutions at the ready on how you think the two of you can get plugged back into each other.  Another thing to discuss with your therapist.

<Do you personally believe telling your spouse about affairs or in my case attention seeking... Is helpful?<

UGH...I hate this question.  Really it is a personal choice.  And I've waivered back and forth on it for some time...depending upon which camp I was hanging out in.

I'll give you the info I've heard from both camps.

When I hung out on the Allsides of an Affair Debate Board where APs and BS hung out and debated the issue, this is what I heard from betrayed spouses.

It helped to finally know why their spouse was pulling away, or picking fights with them or the children, acting anxious, withdrawn, angry, impatient.  It helped it all make sense because all that time they were thinking it was something THEY had done.  And they also felt empowered by knowing...empowered to know what their spouse was capable of and then allowing them the opportunity to make an informed decision to stay or go.  And some also felt their decision to rebuild was influenced by whether or not their wayward spouse fessed us vs. being discovered.  If they fessed up (and even had started the process of healing and recovery on their own), spouses were definitely more open to there was a clean slate and they were actually 'proving' their willingness to make changes.

But and this is a very big BUT they struggled greatly with THE KNOWING...the visions that danced in their heads took a major toll.

And G-d help the wayward spouse who went into marriage counseling or into the rebuilding process who didn't not fess up or who did not completely let go of their affair partner...the dare you sit their in MC...pretending to rebuild, or while still keeping your AP in our picture...not laying all the lay all the cards on the table...still keeping secret.  To them knowledge was power...the power to make their own decision on how to proceed. 

Then I've heard the other side of the coin.  If you are telling to assuage your own guilt...not a good thing.  If you are spilling the beans to get honest and make it work starting with a clean slate...a good thing.  

I'm so torn...and I thank my lucky stars every day that I am not in this position.  

The thing of it is, too, is that we never know how someone will respond in the face of betrayal. We read about bad things happening all the time.  Even the gentlest of souls can turn angry and violent and do something rash.

I once posed this question to MH (that's my honey...not my husband) "If your wife had an affair (actually first two wives did), but she had ended the affair and was working to ensure that it never happened again, would you want to know?"

He didn't skip a beat "NO".  

So, right now, I hold to the belief that if you stop the affair, and work really hard to ensure that it never happens again, then don't.

Of course the problem with that, too, is that one has to live always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  A Discovery Day can come any time...even after the affair has ended...days, weeks, months, years later.  A tough way to live.

Oh and because you mentioned an 'emotional' affair, I'll add that most women and any enlightened man who understands that women are emotional creatures think an emotional affair is worse.  I can certainly under why.  Hard enough to get our men to open up emotional with us...nevermind find out he did that with another woman...iy yi yi yi yi.

So, there you have what I've seen as both sides of the coin.  Again, it is a personal decision.  You know your husband best. And if you contemplate doing so, I'd suggest doing it in the therapists office.

I hope others will chime in with their opinion or if I overlooked something important that needs to be relayed.