Seriously, when will I ever learn?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
Seriously, when will I ever learn?
18
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 2:36pm

Hey Everyone,

I was lurking more these days then I have been posting and with good reason. I think so anyway. I did it. Oh wow. So hard to say. I broke NC. It was his Birthday yesterday. I wish him a happy birthday. I dont know why. It was really done on impulse. Wasnt thinking. I didnt get a response. No didnt get even a thank you. So of course that is upsetting me. Actually I was ok for most of the day. Been really busy with this thing called my life. But at night. It hit me. My insecurities, the feeling of rejection all over again and the agonizing why I did it. I have been given amazing support and I know I havent taken the great advice given to me. But it is so hard to just STOP. I know it was and is hard for most of you well ALL of you as well. I really know why I am chasing this JAM it is for validation. I know that. It is not healthy for me to keep doing this. I am single and I to one day want to settle down with a nice guy. I am holding myself back all the while he is living his life to the fullest. So why am I doing this.. I have thoughts as to why he doesnt respond to me like he used to. I think and I know its a no brainer but I am focusing on all the wrong questions. I do have to add besides the validation I did have deep feelings for him and so hard to really let go of them.

Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them.
--Shawn Alexander
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. --Shawn Alexander

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 2:59pm

Hello, stranger :o)


Quit beating yourself up...you slipped up. Most of us have done it.


You're right....it's VERY difficult to get over them when there are actual feelings involved. How come we can't "drop trow" (Courtesy: iddy)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 3:00pm

OK, so you broke NC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 5:15pm

Mickey,

I had a really tough day on exAP's bday. I saw pregnant women all day...I can relate to your impulses and your pain. I posted a thread about it. It was my toughest day. I was tempted to break NC in some way...cyberstalking was going to be my
But I have to call you out, the others did not. U have done this a lot in a little amount of time. Come here first....U keep breaking NC and then are a mess afterwards. U dont come here first, because you know we might convince you not to and your heart over powers your head and you act on those impulses and then it hits you...you are more hurt than before. I know this is hard, but its hard to see you keep hurting yourself like this.

Yeah, I do not know who you are and we would never see one another on the street, but we sincerely care about people on this board...that is why we spend hours on this board daily, because we actually care about the people on here, we have bonded with them, even if it is on a computer screen.

I have read your posts...sure you have come across mine a time or too. I have seen your pain. I too am single, and I get very lonely. Once I get my kids get down and the house is quiet, he takes up too much space in my brain, I get your impulses and normally, in all the other relationships, I have broken NC. Begged to be taken back etc....even single men that were toxic. I have been weak and I have done everything you have. Please know that I am telling you this to let you know, I have been in your shoes completely....in more way that we both probably know.

So, I tell you all that to say. This time its different. I have to be different. I have to make a healthy choice for me. I have to be good to me. I have to stop hurting myself. I have to stop thriving on the drama....almost looking for it, Almost looking for the clown). I have to accept me for me, love me for me. I have to STOP looking for someone to take away this pain. I have to stop looking for others to make me feel good about me. I have to validate myself.

For some reason, I do not know if its me or the will of God or what, but I will not break NC...yes, I bleed like you do. I hurt like hell. So much f'n pain. More pain than my exH. and he was physically violent with me...Yet, this pain is different and I do not know where I am getting this strength from. I have journaled. I have emailed myself a 29 emails since he left my house exactly 5 weeks ago today. But he will never get em. He wont hear my voice, he wont read a txt from me. I wont call him in some drunken state one night....I cant....I wont.....

I am a total weakling normally. BUT this, this I have to let go, I CANT, no I WONT let myself get sucked back in, I cant hurt any further. I just cant to it to myself....the hurt its overwhelming....I know, but I would so much more hurt and degraded if i let him ever touch me again. I would be so hurt and stressed on a constant basis if he was a part of my life.

I just want you to be well...I want you to find the strength you have in your posts to really stop contacting him once and for all. I want you to focus on you. Take care of you. Stop this vicious cycle. Stop hurting yourself and let him go....just let him, and yet it will hurt, but it heals too. It just does. Over time.

I get so lonely at night and even days, its like I can hear my own thoughts of him, so I think. Starts to make me think I am going a little mad...and then I just shift and I suck it up and then I try really hard to get some rest or go on about my day. Its with me every day, I imagine it will continue to be for sometime...in so many ways. But somehow, I know tomorrow will come, the world will keep turning and I will be well. I deserve to be...and so do you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 5:26pm
I honestly didnt realize just how hard this whole A would've been on me. I really wish none of this ever happened. It had surfaced so many things in me that is too hard to handle. To tell you the truth and I wouldn't do anything else but... I really just need an escape for this pain. I have yet to really worked through the whole grieving process. I have gone as far as "I MISSSSSS UUUUUU" then I break. Good news is after I sent the message and as you know I got no response. I left it at that. I didnt push it any further. I wont. Thank you free and CSN! I do need to believe in myself more and give myself more credit. I am stronger than this. I have to be. There are worst possible things that can happen to someone. I guess I was a fool to ever think that there was something between us. That saddens me. It does. I will see this through. I will. I said that so many times. F*CK I am doing the same thing to myself that XAP always did to me. Making promises that are not being kept. Off to the healing library I go. Need some positive re-enforcement.
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them.
--Shawn Alexander
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. --Shawn Alexander
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 5:44pm

sienna;

I guess we were writing at the same time.

:'( I need to visit that post. I am sorry you had a hard day(s) it is even more so painful because of the pregnant woman. Constant reminder. How are you doing now? I hope you found some peace. (BIG HUGS)

I have broken C way too many times. I know. I was so embarrassed and ashamed of myself to have done that again. I guess it is because I am so lonely mixed with feelings of lack of self love. Which is sad because I am enriched with great family and friends. Its horrible of me not to appreciate them the way that I should. Thank you for caring really means alot to me.

You are actually being pro-active with a plan. I have journalled once. I am not being proactive. I am just stewing over my hurt feelings and thoughts. It is a very dark place. I just wanted an out! Like I have said before many many many times. I will have to choose and stick to the NC path. I have traveled this other path and I know it all to well. It is a dead end.

Thanks again Sienna :))))) Thank you

Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them.
--Shawn Alexander
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. --Shawn Alexander
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 6:03pm

Journal...do whatever it takes, i am a venter, I have to get it out!! I have to. hell, call me, or we can chat online. Whatever it takes..just do not contact him, for any reason, ever. call me. call a friend, do whatever it takes, come up with a very pro-active plan to resist the temptation, the impulse etc..

I forgot to send u a hug earlier....so these word are giving you two long ones....

U will get thru this. WE both will and we will be all we are capable of.

seriously, if you want to talk off the board, we can...let me know and hang in there, i know it hurts, but it does get better, i swear it does....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 12:19am

Sienna,


I have felt and feel all the things that you do. the hurt and the pain makes me feel like I'm going nuts sometimes. But your post really gave me strength tonight. Your raw determination, and will and yes I believe God is helping us.


I really feel empowered by what you wrote and feel that I can do this. I must, I have to. Thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 1:39pm

caribou,

I was having a rough night after my post, my family was having some issues and they called me to help me and it was mentally exhausting....afterwards hearing their pain, compounded with my own, really brought me down last night. i was tempted to do a lot of things....like break contact....but it blew over and it although it was a tough night, i made it. i would have broken cyber contact, u know the kind that we think is harmless but is not, the kind he really would not know about...that is what i was telling myself these days...he wont know...but i will know, so, I have to do this.

but in the am, i read your post, and somehow, me helping you, and you letting me know, got me thru the day...mostly i go thru the motions, but i get thru. and i am proud of each day...i am over 5 weeks and i swear if i could i would wear it like Superman wears a S on his chest....lol

But thank you for thanking me....we all give eachother a little boost here and there.

Be around for me on one of those days and i need to vent and we will call it even...not that anyone is really keeping score.

HUGSS!!

SJ

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 3:38pm

Seriously, when will I ever learn? I don't know, IBIM...how many times will take for you to be rejected for you to stop? How many times do you have to hear "I don't want you". We can't make people love us...we can't make people do anything. Once someone stops feeling for another, it's pretty difficult to get them to change their heart...particularly men. Stop trying to MAKE this man love you...he has apparently moved on. Next time you feel the impulse to reach out, envision an eyeroll by him on the other end of contact while he's probably thinking "why can't this woman let go?" There are plenty of people who do love you...seek out their company. Maybe it's time for you to start taking advice and do the hard work necessary to stop stepping on the damn rake that whacks you on the back of the head. I'm sorry if this seems harsh but it's time to face reality. I really hate to see someone, who has the tools to do what it takes, and not use them and instead keep hurting themself over and over and over and over.... ((hugs)) Clarity "You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present" ~ Jan Glidewell "Once you say you're going to settle for second, that's what happens to you in life." ~ John F. Kennedy



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 11:20pm

Sienna, you know w/o a doubt that I'm here for you. and I hope you'll continue to be there for me. thanks again. Hope ur doing ok today. Today was rough for me. Everything reminded me of xap today. Stores, foods, landmarks, it was ridiculous and overwhelming but I'm still alive.


I_believe, I'm here for you too. I know it's hard, Lord knows I do. But we must continue on this path of healing. You can email me off board to if you need to. Feel free. HUGS


Withclarity, I love reading your posts..they are so on the mark. thanks for your tough love. You have helped me.

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