Seriously, when will I ever learn?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
Seriously, when will I ever learn?
18
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 2:36pm

Hey Everyone,

I was lurking more these days then I have been posting and with good reason. I think so anyway. I did it. Oh wow. So hard to say. I broke NC. It was his Birthday yesterday. I wish him a happy birthday. I dont know why. It was really done on impulse. Wasnt thinking. I didnt get a response. No didnt get even a thank you. So of course that is upsetting me. Actually I was ok for most of the day. Been really busy with this thing called my life. But at night. It hit me. My insecurities, the feeling of rejection all over again and the agonizing why I did it. I have been given amazing support and I know I havent taken the great advice given to me. But it is so hard to just STOP. I know it was and is hard for most of you well ALL of you as well. I really know why I am chasing this JAM it is for validation. I know that. It is not healthy for me to keep doing this. I am single and I to one day want to settle down with a nice guy. I am holding myself back all the while he is living his life to the fullest. So why am I doing this.. I have thoughts as to why he doesnt respond to me like he used to. I think and I know its a no brainer but I am focusing on all the wrong questions. I do have to add besides the validation I did have deep feelings for him and so hard to really let go of them.

Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them.
--Shawn Alexander
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. --Shawn Alexander

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 12:09am

Thank you, (((Caribu))), for letting me


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 12:44am

I Believe,

how r u? Let me know, was thinking of u and caribou tonight...hope u r both doing something for you. Have a good night.

SJ

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2009
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 11:34am

IBIM---


These A's are an addiction..PERIOD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 1:40pm

I can certainly relate -- I have battled self esteem issues pretty much all of my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 2:14pm

Hello Everyone;

I just wanted to take the time to thank everyone for taking the time to listen and respond. I know it is a hard road. I have traveled the "trying" NC in the past several times but than we got back into it. I think this time it is a different kind of pain. It is the pain of realizing that it is OVER. Although I know in my heart of hearts that this is a dead end for me I still wanted him to validate me. Clarity thank you for the tough love. Just how many times must you tell me the same thing? You are right though it is OVER and I need to accept it. I have trouble doing that. I really found a connection with him. But having to sit on it for a couple of days. That connection was based on nothing. it was wrong from the start. I really wonder how I let this happen. I did read a post about it doesnt matter. It doesnt for the most part but for me it does. Being involved with this A has surface so many issues in my that I did not want to deal with head on. I just put it away. I have issues beyond him. Which I have already gone into on other posts. I feel like I let this happen to me and I hate that I did. I knew years ago to walk away. But Notbroken you are also correct I am addicted to his validation. It didnt matter what was happening in my life he made me forget and made me feel beautiful and sexy blah blah. BUT he was not there for me when I needed him most. Isn't that part of a "connection" obviously I have realized now it was just physical and he came at a point in my life where I let him. I think in turn I hate myself for what i am feeling or what I have done. But yet I still yearn for him. Its time to really start healing. I just cant hurt like this anymore. WOW it really is over. This time is different like all other Endings. I feel it inside of me. Its over. So hard to accept this reality. I tried to end it so many times like I have mentioned and it was always temporary. It was almost a little game we played. Now that I look back.

I guess I will have to deal with myself head on and stop finding shortcuts.

Thank you for all your support. I feel so fragile right now.

~broken~
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. --Shawn Alexander
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2009
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 2:25pm

"I guess I will have to deal with myself head on and stop finding shortcuts."


Right on girlfriend!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 2:57pm

I really wonder how I let this happen. I did read a post about it doesnt matter. It doesnt for the most part but for me it does.


I think you may have misunderstood the 'doesn't matter' discussions.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 3:16pm
Ahhh OK I totally read that all wrong. I will try to make it that it doesnt matter what he thinks, what he is doing, who he is with. I will make myself matter. Wow never did that before. It was always about others and not me. I am ready to deal with the hardships. I want to live again. I want this cloud that seems to follow me everywhere I fricken go just go away.
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them.
--Shawn Alexander
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. --Shawn Alexander

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