Setting counter back to zero.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2012
Setting counter back to zero.
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 9:01pm

After 7 weeks of NC, he fished.  I leaped at the bait.  It was just a brief phone conversation, hi how are you doing, etc., but it was enough to send me emotionally reeling and back to missing him terribly.    (Actually, now I see that while I felt like I was making little progress during those 7 weeks, my feelings HAD been fading away.  It took this to see that things had been getting better.)

Anyway, my mind was back in obsessive mode and two days later I sent an email to his work address, asking him to contact me.  I had no idea what I would say if he did.  How much I missed him?  That I hoped we could still talk once in a while?  The 'final' goodbye? Pound sand for taking so long to reply to my email?

That was a week ago and he has not contacted me.  I feel rejected.  I feel like I want to throw the line back AGAIN to see if he will bite. 

Interestingly, I have been in counseling for the past month...mainly to work out this whole A thing.  So, on the one hand I am learning a whole lot about myself, the whys and hows, making tiny steps forward; and on the other hand I regress back to neanderthal responses.

I would just like to ask for your support right now.  I feel sad and I miss the fairy-tale image I have of xap. I feel ugly. 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 9:12pm
Hi Breezy - sorry for your setback, I know how much you wish the brief buzz would have lasted longer..but it didn't, and it won't, so now you have that piece of info in your arsenal. So don't look back! NC starts now - no more fishing on your part and no more responding to his lines... there is nothing left to say so stop the hurts and worry and go forward. Great that you are in T for the big picture, but when it comes down to the minute-by-minute decision-making, that is all you, and you have to have the mindset ready.

It does get better, dear. Come here instead when it's hard, to give yourself a chance to arrive at the "better."

Ready, set, go!

XO Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 9:20pm

How rude of him...reel you back in and then just throw you back out...probably just to know he can still catch you whenever he feels like it.  Man, I could punch him the f out.  Yeh..I have violent tendencies, but I'm all talk and no action.  But I sure think I'd like to right now.

I hope you will not throw back the line.  What would that do anyway?  What if he doesn't respond again...make you feel even worse.  Do not give him the satisfaction.

This JAM is soooo not worth your time.  He's just plain mean and inconsiderate.  Please do not try to contact him.  If you have the urge, picture him sitting there, seeing your number come up, a smile playing upon his face..."got her!", but he still might not answer.  Hopefully that shatters that fairytale you got going in your head.  Please do not contact him.  It will be just another ego boost for him...and further plummeting of yours.

You may have to set your counter back, but I don't believe that you are back at square one.  You have too much knowledge under your belt, and I think you will get by this quicker than you would have when you were a newbie at this...progress was made.  

I'm sorry you feel ugly...whatever that means.  But whatever that means, please do not give this one jam...that kind of power over you or over how you feel about yourself.

Take back your power and make a pact with yourself that should he ever come fishing in your pond again, you will not stand on your tippytoes to set yourself on that hook...that you will let it come up empty and say to yourself "Go fish in someone else's pond you f'ker."


Man, I'm pissed.





Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 11:18pm
Breeze, I'm glad you've posted. I think your own words can help you. You wrote you feel sad and ugly. What fairy tale is it you were holding onto for a man who makes you feel either of those things?

I can't speak with any authority on this matter but it seems to me many of our stories suggest this is a tactic of some xaps. Not only do they want to know they can fish with success, there also seems to be some payoff in making their (former) partner feel small/weak/ugly/dependent on them for shards of "happiness."

I think the further out you get, the better you'll feel about yourself. Part of it is about healing, to be sure, but part of it is also about getting out of the fog. (Maybe that's also part of the healing process.) The further we get from the epicentre of the fog, the more we see that we're not ugly. Someone wanted us to feel that way. We're not desperate. Someone needed us to feel that way. We're not weak. This isn't destiny. We're not trapped. We just weren't thinking clearly and couldn't see properly. And none of that was by accident.

I don't mean to say we were victims in our A's. We were willing participants. And not everyone's circumstances are the same. In my case, there was never any question of love. But A's seem to bring about certain circumstances and these circumstances seem to be attractive to certain men (probably certain women too, that's just not my personal experience).

So you're right. Reset the NC counter. Just don't beat yourself up too much. You're not ugly and the sadness will pass. But I think you've learned a bit more about your situation and that will just make it harder for him or anyone else to get you to dole out a feel good at the sacrifice of your own healing.

Big hug. Let's dust you off and get you back on the road to feeling better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2012
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 1:59am

Wow - thank y'all for the replies...they are exactly what I needed.  Thank you for the support and cheering on and of course, Clarity as my offensive lineman :smileyhappy:

In counseling, I had spent much of the first session bemoaning the loss of xap and recaping the A (ugh) but as things have unfolded, they really don't have to do with him at all do they?  I have been aware of core issues for many, many years, dealing with them piecemeal during various times of my life, and now, facing them head-on again for another round.  It really is time to get past some of the cr*p of my past...I figure by the time I'm 80 I'll be pretty squared away :smileywink:

As for xap, I will get over him.  Matter of fact, I already feel better than I did earlier.  And I will not be fishing's degrading and embarrassing and definitely not worth it.

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 7:54am

I'm sorry, but from your first post I didn't quite catch on to what kind of support your were looking for, so I bit my tongue.

In every instance you have to be the first line of defense against falling backwards into the A hole.  In all cases, IF that's where you want to be, that's where you will end up.  We can NOT protect you from yourself. 

It takes commitment to end the A, and when we hang on to hope that it won't end, it doesn't.

I speak from experience.  I failed for a long time.  Many times.  I was involved with one of those people who would wait six months before fishing again.  The true way to end it???  Block.  BLOCK!!! If you had blocked you would have taken most of chances out of play.  I will admit there is always a way for those who are devious to fish.  They can find the way.  But you are the first line of defense.  There is no excuse for not blocking, if you really want to end it.  Starting over?  Do it right this time.

I'm pulling for you to get over this bump in the road to Ending.  It's a tough road, but if I can make it, anyone can.  I'm pulling for you.

Commit, and BLOCK!!!


We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.