sex-less

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
sex-less
19
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 9:30am

My subconscious has not caught up with my conscious and the result is that I woke up this morning from a very graphic dream starring the wrong actor.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 9:42am

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Hah! You're eight about that Mrs.Dee. Actually, I would have preferred this topic had been posted under the M section but too late now.

Hope you find some answers, or you can wait another 10 years for menopause and not want anymore anyway. :smileyvery-happy:

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 9:49am
Yeah, but I'm looking for advice for going without sex, not marriage advice - I thought the Singles would have some help there and I'm not really looking for M advice. xo
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 9:56am
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 10:22am

Ok...I am going to give you my best possible answer. Hope it helps.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 11:36am

How timely of a topic, Dee. I was just having this conversation with a

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 11:37am

Dee -

You are definitely not alone in your frustration. I'm single and one of the many reasons I ended everything was because I want a better intimate life for myself. It's so sad, because for the longest time I didn't want to say goodbye because I knew that it would be the end of any sort of sex life for me. But what I keep reminding myself is that I was tired of all of it with him - tired of only getting it when it was convenient, tired of having it on the floor of my office, tired of not being able to cuddle after, etc., etc. I also questioned many times whether he would even be able to satisfy me long term in "real life". Like in all affairs, I think a great deal of the passion was due to the "wrongness" of it.

My advice would be to, however slowly, continue to work on it with your H. I honestly don't know how to "make" yourself sexually attracted to someone. Talk honestly and openly with him about it. Just like all the other aspects of a marriage, I sure wouldn't just "accept" it it if I were you.

We all have made decisions in our lives, and they come with consequences. I feel so much for you. In my opinion, the most important things in a marriage are honesty, communication and intimacy. I know that there is no way for me to know this for certain, but my XAP made the decision to stay in a loveless, sexless, nonsupportive marriage for the sake of his kids. The price he is paying is that his life will go on being what it was before he met me. He will work, he will take care of everyone else, he will have superficial relationships that mean nothing to him and, he will most likely not have sex. If he does, I am guessing that it won't be fulfilling for him. It's up to him to change all that - and knowing him as I do, I am doubtful that that will happen. It's taken me a long time to come to come to terms that that is HIS decision and it's no longer my concern. There are obviously things more important to him than sex, like having his family intact - being able to have everyone home for the holidays with no one being the wiser that he is miserable. Don't put yourself in that same boat- expecially if this is something that is obviously important to you.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 2:55pm

Well, here's me chiming in as a single lady :p

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 10:11pm

You said it best '10:

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 10:18pm

I totally understand....I think the stereotypes hurt us both.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 10:32pm

Hey Dee,

You are not alone. No way. I agree with what's been shared here. You're laying the foundation for a better sex life in the future with you H, but in the short term, a girls got needs!

I had a fabulous sex life with my H for the first few years of my marriage, then will children and the demands of life, it certainly decreased. I was so confused and frustrated because I was sooo sexual and attracted to other people, but I seemed to have lost that feeling for my H. My H was ALWAYS very understanding and never hopped ship so to speak: he also understood that I had a history that made relating sexually seem more complicated at time for me. In some ways, I came to feel more vulnerable having sex within my relationship than outside it. Still working on that issue. Anyway,

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