hi alesan, i am new, but i am here. your story is heartbreaking. it never ceases to amaze me what we will settle for in the name of love or what we think is love. thank God--or whatever or whomever you do or don't pray to--that there is something in you that has risen up to say "I AM WORTH MORE THAN THIS." listen to that voice, alesan. You are worth more than that. you deserve more. don't let the sadness rule you anymore. take your life back. i am trying too.
lillie
silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
I am sorry that you haven't been responded to yet: there is lots of activity today, but perhaps people are unsure what to say(?)
I just want to say that I have been in similar situations as you described. With xAP one moment, and then with the big happy family the next. I have totally been in that horrific space. Looking back now, it is those moments, those humiliating and degrading moments that I have the hardest time with... I say to myself, how could i/you put us into that kind of emotionally traumatic space. I used to feel like I could manage that, that I was like 'no worries, I can handle it', and then I would feel like passing out when we would find ourselves moments later in the presence of our partners ... performing, avoiding, breaking inside.
It is so dark. It is so ugly.
Please take care of yourself right now. You are worth more than this. Enough is enough. Stay on this board. Keep reading. Use your sadness as anger, and get the heck out of this situation. Nothing good will come of it. My heart goes out to you.
((HUGS!)). I'm new here as well, and in a different 'context' (I'm long distance with xMM, we have no similar friends etc, and I'm single). But, I did want to say 'hang in there'...it's hard, it really is. I'm not sure what advice to give in your case because you and xMM are both M (so, I can't really 'relate' to that aspect), but maybe that doesn't matter in the sense that no matter the context - you are worth more than this. We all are and the only things that we can 'fix' or work on, is ourselves (and in turn, our relationships with others). This is something I have to keep hammering into my head, I can't fix him, change his life, etc, no matter what he has said or not said. From here on out I can only focus on me. I think Jodi said it really well in a different post - pour all of that energy into you and your life. I think back and almost cringe (ok, so I actually cringe! :p) when I think of all the energy that I poured into xMM and not myself, what I could have 'done with myself' and my life had I shifted that energy flow. I'm not saying it's easy, because it isn't - I have a hard time with it, I will admit. But, self work and self love is the only thing we really can do. And, from what I gather from the vet ladies on the board - it really is worth it! One of the first things I did in the first few hours after 'it ended' was to read through the 'wisdom and insights' thread (in the Healing Library). On the first night, I read it all the way through. And, I've read through it again a few times more. Stick around, keep posting and sharing. You're not alone ((hugs!))
---- 'It may be that when we no longer know what to do, We have come to our real work, And that when we no longer know which way to go, We have begun our real journey' - Wendell Berry
Most of the veteran's have not responded yet, and when they do, I know it will be some harsh words. I feel for you, I really, really do. BTDT too (maybe not the exact scenerio but close). But this is an Ending Board and if you are ready to END the affair then please welcome, but otherwise, this sort of post belongs on MAS. There are lots of girls on here hurting and don't need to read this.
Now on to giving advise if you are serious about ending... I don't see how you can be friends with them after all that you've done. If its a possibility, I would end the friendship with the W and him. It is unfair to be friends with his wife when you've slept with her husband & her not knowing about it. Ouch! It's a slap in the face to her. That is not friendship and when she finds out it will be ugly.
LC or NC is the way to go. Trust me on this... It's going to be tough but realize you are better then this man. He LIES to both of you and he USES you. This man is sick you really need to see this behavior for what it is. I know during the affair, and the 'fog' we idiolize these men but in retrospect afterwards we realize what pigs they were.
I know you have a desire to tell him... so be it but make sure he knows you're ending it for good afterwards.
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
I'm sure you're hurting; how could you NOT be. However, like you said, you have yourself to blame. Are you ending this cycle of hurt and betrayal, or are you going to continue?
Right now, if you were to email him to tell him he's a f&cking hypocrite, you'd have to start with email with "Hello, Pot? It's Kettle." ykwim?
I look forward to hearing from you that you are joining this ENDING board as an earnest member.
I'm with lost. You can't call him a hypocrite when you are doing the same thing by befriending his W and pretending to be her friend while sleeping with her H. The one thing that helped me to heal and to see the destruction that I was causing by having an A with a MM is to see that my behavior was just as slimy as his. We were to slime balls. There are no victims in an A except the innocent unknowing spouse. That was reallly bad what you did but know that only you have the power to change it. You have the power to stop this self destructive behavior. Don't blame him for praying with his W, she is his W. Maybe he really is trying to stop the behavior. You need to separate yourself from him and his family. You are not a friend. It's not fair and believe me, women get really angry when they realize that another woman has been pretending to be their friend and stabbing them in the back. I have seen some real horror stories where the OW was actually hurt by the BS because they see that as a double betrayal.
Maybe the reason the vets didn't 'come after you' is because, I think, the newbies and tweeners did a fairly good job.
I don't think we have a clique here on this board. Nobody is vying to be the class pet, nor are the Vets playing favorites with their advice and support. I am afraid comments to the contrary really offend me, as our Vets are amazing, giving, loving and kind - and here of their own desire to help all of us along on our healing path. Don't worry, they'll get to you.
Pages
hi alesan,
i am new, but i am here. your story is heartbreaking. it never ceases to amaze me what we will settle for in the name of love or what we think is love. thank God--or whatever or whomever you do or don't pray to--that there is something in you that has risen up to say "I AM WORTH MORE THAN THIS." listen to that voice, alesan. You are worth more than that. you deserve more. don't let the sadness rule you anymore. take your life back. i am trying too.
lillie
Dear Alesan,
I am sorry that you haven't been responded to yet: there is lots of activity today, but perhaps people are unsure what to say(?)
I just want to say that I have been in similar situations as you described. With xAP one moment, and then with the big happy family the next. I have totally been in that horrific space. Looking back now, it is those moments, those humiliating and degrading moments that I have the hardest time with... I say to myself, how could i/you put us into that kind of emotionally traumatic space. I used to feel like I could manage that, that I was like 'no worries, I can handle it', and then I would feel like passing out when we would find ourselves moments later in the presence of our partners ... performing, avoiding, breaking inside.
It is so dark. It is so ugly.
Please take care of yourself right now. You are worth more than this. Enough is enough. Stay on this board. Keep reading. Use your sadness as anger, and get the heck out of this situation. Nothing good will come of it. My heart goes out to you.
(((Hugs)))
Hi alesan,
((HUGS!)). I'm new here as well, and in a different 'context' (I'm long distance with xMM, we have no similar friends etc, and I'm single). But, I did want to say 'hang in there'...it's hard, it really is. I'm not sure what advice to give in your case because you and xMM are both M (so, I can't really 'relate' to that aspect), but maybe that doesn't matter in the sense that no matter the context - you are worth more than this. We all are and the only things that we can 'fix' or work on, is ourselves (and in turn, our relationships with others). This is something I have to keep hammering into my head, I can't fix him, change his life, etc, no matter what he has said or not said. From here on out I can only focus on me. I think Jodi said it really well in a different post - pour all of that energy into you and your life. I think back and almost cringe (ok, so I actually cringe! :p) when I think of all the energy that I poured into xMM and not myself, what I could have 'done with myself' and my life had I shifted that energy flow. I'm not saying it's easy, because it isn't - I have a hard time with it, I will admit. But, self work and self love is the only thing we really can do. And, from what I gather from the vet ladies on the board - it really is worth it!
One of the first things I did in the first few hours after 'it ended' was to read through the 'wisdom and insights' thread (in the Healing Library). On the first night, I read it all the way through. And, I've read through it again a few times more. Stick around, keep posting and sharing. You're not alone
((hugs!))
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
Thank you everybody.
Most of the veteran's have not responded yet, and when they do, I know it will be some harsh words. I feel for you, I really, really do. BTDT too (maybe not the exact scenerio but close). But this is an Ending Board and if you are ready to END the affair then please welcome, but otherwise, this sort of post belongs on MAS. There are lots of girls on here hurting and don't need to read this.
Now on to giving advise if you are serious about ending... I don't see how you can be friends with them after all that you've done. If its a possibility, I would end the friendship with the W and him. It is unfair to be friends with his wife when you've slept with her husband & her not knowing about it. Ouch! It's a slap in the face to her. That is not friendship and when she finds out it will be ugly.
LC or NC is the way to go. Trust me on this... It's going to be tough but realize you are better then this man. He LIES to both of you and he USES you. This man is sick you really need to see this behavior for what it is. I know during the affair, and the 'fog' we idiolize these men but in retrospect afterwards we realize what pigs they were.
I know you have a desire to tell him... so be it but make sure he knows you're ending it for good afterwards.
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No N
I'm sure you're hurting; how could you NOT be. However, like you said, you have yourself to blame. Are you ending this cycle of hurt and betrayal, or are you going to continue?
Right now, if you were to email him to tell him he's a f&cking hypocrite, you'd have to start with email with "Hello, Pot? It's Kettle." ykwim?
I look forward to hearing from you that you are joining this ENDING board as an earnest member.
Best of luck and wishes for a better future,
Dee
Maybe the reason the vets didn't 'come after you' is because, I think, the newbies and tweeners did a fairly good job.
I don't think we have a clique here on this board. Nobody is vying to be the class pet, nor are the Vets playing favorites with their advice and support. I am afraid comments to the contrary really offend me, as our Vets are amazing, giving, loving and kind - and here of their own desire to help all of us along on our healing path. Don't worry, they'll get to you.
Pages