I totally agree. I'm sure that the vets have just been busy with their own RL's!! They are human after all ;-)
I have felt nothing but love, support and encouragement from the vets right from the start, and there's definitely NO WAY that I'm part of any 'clique'!!!
Be aware of your emotions, alesan. Yes, you are sad, but the sadness is also acting as a cover for other emotions. You also seem angry, disillusioned, betrayed, remorseful, disoriented (by MM), exhausted. You are undoubtedly also grieving - 5 years is a long time, and chances are good you miss him, as well.
In order to get to where you want to go, you have to know where you're standing. You are a lot more than sad, alesan. So, become more aware of your current emotional landscape. It'll strengthen you.
"I know where I stand."
I don't want to disagree with you, but I will say you could know a little better where you're standing. You are angry at MM for his hypocrisy. It stands to reason, then, that you feel just as angry at yourself for your own hypocrisy in your M, and in your "friendship" with his wife.
The word friendship - in quotes. If/when she finds out, your betrayal of your friendship with her will hurt her to the core. How could it not?
I also get the sense that you're remorseful, and that if you could make the entire situation better, you would.
Come clean. With your H. With your friend and your MM's W, ***If*** at all possible. If she's got to find out, it would be the best chance for your continued friendship if she found out from you, instead of the rumor mill.
"I want him to realize he is a hypocrite. So he is either lying to God or to me."
He is lying to God *and* to you, *and* to himself. I think, to a certain extent, you are doing the same - lying to yourself. It seems difficult for you to come to terms with your betrayal of your M and your friendship with the W.
But do come to terms with it. And eventually move past it, and forward. Try individual or couple's counseling with your H. Maybe contact a clergy member at their church, and ask for their guidance, suggestions, in how best to handle the situation, how best to salvage what isn't irreparably lost, how best to remedy the injuries.
Please listen to the board and do NOT contact him again. He already knows who he is, what he's done, and that 'he's gone against the will of God." Really, you're not going to tell him anything he doesn't already know. Let it go for your own sake. Walk away with some dignity and strength. Continuing to "end the ending" is, in fact, keeping the A going. Put a fork in it, for heaven's sake.
It's not easy, and we all have had to go through it. We know how you feel, really. Read as much as you can today. All the tools and wisdom you need are here for you.
If he's the kind of idiot who'll call "again and again and again", even though he never reaches you, you never respond, or if he does reach you you promptly hang up on him without a word??? then, he's the kind of idiot who will also NOT "get it" if you were to call him to tell him to not call you.
Riiiight?
So, just let him do whatever he's going to do and you worry about what YOU need to do; which is, NC. NC always, forever, without exception.
Hello Alesan, and congrats on making the decision to end your A.
I think you have gotten really good advice from everyone, and while I do see your concern regarding NC, please believe me that this is really the best way. Your xAP knows what he is, and if he doesn't, guess what?...it doesn't matter. I made the mistake of continuing contact with my xAP after the "official" ending. I talked to him about why I had to end it until I was blue in the face. In the end, it doesn't matter the reasons as long as the end result was the same.
But let's say you did talk to him, and you told him everything you wanted to. Can you honestly say that you didn't act in the same manner as him? What if some how he is able to convince you that ending it is a mistake? Are you hoping that he says he's sorry and everything can go back to the way it was?
<>
Has he been wreckless in the past? It sounds like he was always careful in making sure you're number wasn't on the bill, why would he start now? No matter what you say or do, you cannot control him. You cannot prevent him from doing anything stupid. I, like you, will never confess to my dirty deeds. But not cutting contact with either of them is making your chances of a d-day more and more likely.
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Hear hear dee~ !!!
I totally agree. I'm sure that the vets have just been busy with their own RL's!! They are human after all ;-)
I have felt nothing but love, support and encouragement from the vets right from the start, and there's definitely NO WAY that I'm part of any 'clique'!!!
Be Strong :)
"I am sad. I don't know what else to say."
Be aware of your emotions, alesan. Yes, you are sad, but the sadness is also acting as a cover for other emotions. You also seem angry, disillusioned, betrayed, remorseful, disoriented (by MM), exhausted. You are undoubtedly also grieving - 5 years is a long time, and chances are good you miss him, as well.
In order to get to where you want to go, you have to know where you're standing. You are a lot more than sad, alesan. So, become more aware of your current emotional landscape. It'll strengthen you.
"I know where I stand."
I don't want to disagree with you, but I will say you could know a little better where you're standing. You are angry at MM for his hypocrisy. It stands to reason, then, that you feel just as angry at yourself for your own hypocrisy in your M, and in your "friendship" with his wife.
The word friendship - in quotes. If/when she finds out, your betrayal of your friendship with her will hurt her to the core. How could it not?
I also get the sense that you're remorseful, and that if you could make the entire situation better, you would.
Come clean. With your H. With your friend and your MM's W, ***If*** at all possible. If she's got to find out, it would be the best chance for your continued friendship if she found out from you, instead of the rumor mill.
"I want him to realize he is a hypocrite. So he is either lying to God or to me."
He is lying to God *and* to you, *and* to himself. I think, to a certain extent, you are doing the same - lying to yourself. It seems difficult for you to come to terms with your betrayal of your M and your friendship with the W.
But do come to terms with it. And eventually move past it, and forward. Try individual or couple's counseling with your H. Maybe contact a clergy member at their church, and ask for their guidance, suggestions, in how best to handle the situation, how best to salvage what isn't irreparably lost, how best to remedy the injuries.
Alesan,
<>
I hope that this *is* the end for you. I'm sorry you are sad, honey, but it comes with the territory.
<>
There is no reason for telling him why. He knows what he has done and your silence will reinforce that.
<>
In affairs we are all hypocrites. Besides, he'll just throw it back at you. No need to further your pain. Silence is heard, my dear.
If you are really done, then welcome back to EAS. We are here for you and will support you in anyway we can.
((Hugs))
~ Iddy~
~Iddy~
Thanks everyone for your responses.
Please listen to the board and do NOT contact him again. He already knows who he is, what he's done, and that 'he's gone against the will of God." Really, you're not going to tell him anything he doesn't already know. Let it go for your own sake. Walk away with some dignity and strength. Continuing to "end the ending" is, in fact, keeping the A going. Put a fork in it, for heaven's sake.
It's not easy, and we all have had to go through it. We know how you feel, really. Read as much as you can today. All the tools and wisdom you need are here for you.
Better days ahead, if you choose them.
hugs,
Dee
Well, it seems to me....
If he's the kind of idiot who'll call "again and again and again", even though he never reaches you, you never respond, or if he does reach you you promptly hang up on him without a word??? then, he's the kind of idiot who will also NOT "get it" if you were to call him to tell him to not call you.
Riiiight?
So, just let him do whatever he's going to do and you worry about what YOU need to do; which is, NC. NC always, forever, without exception.
Hello Alesan, and congrats on making the decision to end your A.
I think you have gotten really good advice from everyone, and while I do see your concern regarding NC, please believe me that this is really the best way. Your xAP knows what he is, and if he doesn't, guess what?...it doesn't matter. I made the mistake of continuing contact with my xAP after the "official" ending. I talked to him about why I had to end it until I was blue in the face. In the end, it doesn't matter the reasons as long as the end result was the same.
But let's say you did talk to him, and you told him everything you wanted to. Can you honestly say that you didn't act in the same manner as him? What if some how he is able to convince you that ending it is a mistake? Are you hoping that he says he's sorry and everything can go back to the way it was?
<>
Has he been wreckless in the past? It sounds like he was always careful in making sure you're number wasn't on the bill, why would he start now? No matter what you say or do, you cannot control him. You cannot prevent him from doing anything stupid. I, like you, will never confess to my dirty deeds. But not cutting contact with either of them is making your chances of a d-day more and more likely.
Alesan,
Sorry if my last post seemed 'harsh'.
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No N
This time all the stars are properly lined up and the fog has lifted.
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