sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
sex?
38
Sat, 11-21-2009 - 8:25am

I'm having trouble finding any helpful advice online about recovering my sex life with my H.
Sex with my (still) handsome the past several years has been perfunctory at best, and almost nonexistent for the last two years. I thought my libido was dormant - until I met my xAP. Then I discovered I still have the libido of an oversexed 16 year old boy, but it's _selective_ as all get out! Towards my xAP?... thought the roof. Towards my H? Well, I'm pretty much completely turned off by the idea. My unfulfilled sex drive is keeping obsessing about xAP - dangerous! I've gotten better about distracting myself from the uninvited thoughts during the day, but (arg) the dreams at night are killing me.

How do I redirect my energies in the proper way - especially when my H continues to fumble along at meeting my emotional needs and flubbing attempts to court me (like forgetting today that we had a lunch date), even though I told him that that is exactly what he needs to do if he ever wants the goods? And it's not like he's beating down the door to get at me, either. I don't have to turn him down re: sex - in fact, it's the opposite... If there is going to sex in this house, I'm going to have to be the one to initiate it. I have no desire, and I dread that even if I fake it, I'll end up unfairly comparing him to A-sex. This is the price I have to pay for straying but I really want my M to work and having a decent sex life is necessary for that to happen.

help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2008
In reply to: deeulta
Thu, 11-26-2009 - 10:18pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Fri, 11-27-2009 - 6:30am

I wonder what it is that make affair sex so good like mind blowing as you said your husband is better looking and better equipped.Why can't you have that with your spouse,is it you are not as willing or is it the thrill of cheating.

Desire comes from attraction and attraction comes from mind as we set our minds to be attracted to certain people.

I remember one woman saying that she is having an affair with her own husband and she is enjoying herself like a teenager.

Did anyone of you try to have an affair with your husband like sending him dirty texts or pics or whatever you do in affair,i know you will say that chemistry is not there but it was at one point and you can try to create that,atleast it is worth trying.

And there are sex therapy,you can go there,you can make a video of yourself and send it to your spouse,also there are tantric sex that you and your spouse can enjoy,you can learn to arouse each other by sending dirty stories to each other in e mail and many more things.

I think anything is possible if the person is willing and put their mind to it.

As the old saying goes "WHERE THERE IS A WILL,THERE IS A WAY"

Don't think you will never have sex as good as affair sex,i think you can have sex better with spouse sex than affair sex if you are willing.And if that doesn't happen than you should tell your spouse this upfront and ask for divorce because sometimes asking for D works wonder, because neither you or your spouse deserve to live like that,i believe even if you stay married after affair,but you do not want or desire your spouse,i think you are being unfair to them,you are just staying so that you can say that you try but it didn't work.

Just try from your soul and if that didn't work then its not your fault,you and your partner deserve to live your life to its full potential.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Fri, 11-27-2009 - 7:53pm
edited


Edited 11/28/2009 9:31 am ET by gonebabygone
**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2008
In reply to: deeulta
Sat, 11-28-2009 - 7:42am

Ladies,


I'm just adding my two cents:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Sat, 11-28-2009 - 12:47pm

OK first of all you got me all wrong.

I think you need to read my post entirely not just some lines.

I don't know why gonebabygone edited her posts and i don't know if you got to read them but i will tell you again what went there.

First of all gonebabygone and many others posted that affair sex was the best sex of their life and they don't even want and desire their husband anymore but they still are staying for god knows what reasons.

As you can read my post that all i said that you can have better sex with your spouse than affair sex as you can read my post and please read it entirely not the lines inbetween so that you can be clear about what i am saying.

Now after that gonebabygone said that she tried everything like everything but her husband is not responding to her,not going with her to therapy and many more,you can get the idea after reading my that post.

NOW about my last post, gonebabygone said that she is not going to divorce her husband because her sex life suck with her husband but she wants her sex life.I told her that she can say to her husband that if he doesn't change his ways and she is going to have an affair,now read carefully i said tell him not act on it because sometimes saying these words affect our spouse more than anything and get our attention.

NOW about your post you said some of you are rebuilding,and what i did was give some advice to actually have an affair with your husband,spice up your life,you can get that from my posts.

AND you said opening up marriage causes grief and heartache,WOW i am simply surprised like having an affair would make a spouse feel wonderful.LISTEN its the lie,the betrayal,sneaking around and biggest is making a fool of your spouse by having a affair that would hurt a spouse much more than opening up the marriage.

ATLEAST when you say to your spouse that you will have an affair if your spouse is not understanding you or not getting you or not doing therapy and many more things together,then you can say that you warn your SO.THEN you can say you did everything to save your relationship,you can say you gave every chance to your spouse to do something or to save the relationship from affair.
If you read some open marriages board,you will know they are doing pretty good.

ALL i did was warn gonebabygone that she can't live her life in a sexless marriage for her entire life and she could enter the affair again in future because all the things are still there that made her to have an affair,now you can say that she learnt from her choices and is a better person but core things are still there and in future she can make other bad choices, we are not perfect you know, all you can do is go with precautions to not hurt those who loves you.

I advice someone open marriage as it was the last thing to do rather than having an affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
In reply to: deeulta
Sat, 11-28-2009 - 3:38pm

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
In reply to: deeulta
Sat, 11-28-2009 - 3:44pm

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Sat, 11-28-2009 - 6:49pm

Removed.



 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: deeulta
Sat, 11-28-2009 - 9:52pm

I'm chimin' in! I just want to point out that it's best not to have expectations that the sex with your spouse will live up to the sex with JAM.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 11-29-2009 - 1:07am

Well i agree with you too on that you are on this site to end the affair and decided its not the life style you and all others wanted.you said you are making changes to prevent it so that it never happened again, believe me that is all i said in my first post and to spice up your life.

But when gonebabygone said she doesn't even want her husband and tried very hard to change the situation,so my first advice was to get divorce after you try everything and i mean everything,but she didn't even want that so i was only giving her one other option that some people choose,i apologize if i offended any one by suggesting that.

Actually there is a woman i know who is having an affair with her own husband and she tells about it that they do it in motel,he comes to her work place and they do it there and in car and many more explicit things that i can't say here.And i thought may be here some people can do that and reclaim that spark and chemistry.