sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
sex?
38
Sat, 11-21-2009 - 8:25am

I'm having trouble finding any helpful advice online about recovering my sex life with my H.
Sex with my (still) handsome the past several years has been perfunctory at best, and almost nonexistent for the last two years. I thought my libido was dormant - until I met my xAP. Then I discovered I still have the libido of an oversexed 16 year old boy, but it's _selective_ as all get out! Towards my xAP?... thought the roof. Towards my H? Well, I'm pretty much completely turned off by the idea. My unfulfilled sex drive is keeping obsessing about xAP - dangerous! I've gotten better about distracting myself from the uninvited thoughts during the day, but (arg) the dreams at night are killing me.

How do I redirect my energies in the proper way - especially when my H continues to fumble along at meeting my emotional needs and flubbing attempts to court me (like forgetting today that we had a lunch date), even though I told him that that is exactly what he needs to do if he ever wants the goods? And it's not like he's beating down the door to get at me, either. I don't have to turn him down re: sex - in fact, it's the opposite... If there is going to sex in this house, I'm going to have to be the one to initiate it. I have no desire, and I dread that even if I fake it, I'll end up unfairly comparing him to A-sex. This is the price I have to pay for straying but I really want my M to work and having a decent sex life is necessary for that to happen.

help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2008
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 11-29-2009 - 1:15am

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 11-29-2009 - 1:24am
I agree with withclarity that sex with someone new and sex with your spouse will be different but i don't think the best sex would be affair sex as i think spouse sex can be far better than affair sex, only difference would be that you have to work to have great sex with spouse but not with ap.The attraction can last a long time than we think,just we have to do something about it constantly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 11-29-2009 - 2:08am

I also don't think that leaving a marriage because of bad sex is point here but then having an affair because of sex, you are risking that marriage anyways.

As you said yourself desire,intimacy,attraction are basic elements and you are working hard for it to get back,all i want to ask is when do you think that its going to work or not as you said you are trying for 23 years.

<>
I want to say that when you cross the affair path after trying to make things better with spouse but didn't work that should be it to decide.

I think logancollie have said it better and very beautifully than me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 11-29-2009 - 3:06am

I can't say anything about open marriage having the same bad effect on marriage as affairs but i can say that by having an affair you would hurt your spouse much more than an open marriage.

I never gave anyone any advice on how to end their affair here,i don't see myself that qualified but i have seen people around me changing their life upside down with open communication(not open relationship) and with meditation,you will not believe i have seen people quit smoking and some drugs(they quit drugs after going to rehabilitation center but in meditation they learn how they can control their action and have really strong will power from going back there again).

I am sorry i didn't realize that only persons who have had affairs are allowed to post here,as i never cheated on anyone but when i was single there is a married woman in my neighbourhood that i had crush on but i never acted on it as i had couple of chances to do whatever i wanted but man i was so tempted i literally have to hurt myself to stop doing things to MW at that time.I am also not married, i live in with my girlfriend and we have very honest communication about these things as she knows that my mom had an affair and i came to know about it and i was devastated.

Never meant to offend anyone,sorry if i did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 11-29-2009 - 1:03pm

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 11-29-2009 - 1:16pm

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 11-29-2009 - 3:58pm

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2008
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 11-29-2009 - 4:39pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 11-29-2009 - 4:57pm

I must chime in...of course :)


Whereas I do think it strange that a person not involved in an affair would frequent a Board such as this and E1 pointed out that the poster went against the TOS, I have to wonder about this open marriage thang.


I'm just typing outloud here.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 11-29-2009 - 5:23pm




Edited 11/30/2009 5:23 am ET by empowerment1

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.