sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
sex?
38
Sat, 11-21-2009 - 8:25am

I'm having trouble finding any helpful advice online about recovering my sex life with my H.
Sex with my (still) handsome the past several years has been perfunctory at best, and almost nonexistent for the last two years. I thought my libido was dormant - until I met my xAP. Then I discovered I still have the libido of an oversexed 16 year old boy, but it's _selective_ as all get out! Towards my xAP?... thought the roof. Towards my H? Well, I'm pretty much completely turned off by the idea. My unfulfilled sex drive is keeping obsessing about xAP - dangerous! I've gotten better about distracting myself from the uninvited thoughts during the day, but (arg) the dreams at night are killing me.

How do I redirect my energies in the proper way - especially when my H continues to fumble along at meeting my emotional needs and flubbing attempts to court me (like forgetting today that we had a lunch date), even though I told him that that is exactly what he needs to do if he ever wants the goods? And it's not like he's beating down the door to get at me, either. I don't have to turn him down re: sex - in fact, it's the opposite... If there is going to sex in this house, I'm going to have to be the one to initiate it. I have no desire, and I dread that even if I fake it, I'll end up unfairly comparing him to A-sex. This is the price I have to pay for straying but I really want my M to work and having a decent sex life is necessary for that to happen.

help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 11-29-2009 - 10:21pm

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 11-29-2009 - 11:43pm

I want to say that i never posted my opinions about infidelity here and neither i suggested anyone on how to end their affair.

I only posted here because it was a thread of sex not affairs.I just wanted to give suggestions about sex with spouse that it can be better than affair sex because i have seen people around me doing it.

Tell me, suppose you are in a group where you see people struggling with alcohol and then come out strong and they share their victory story with you and then some one in that group told you that there is alcoholic board.What would you do, do you go there and read their story and have something good to share,do you write your experience or move away.

When i read here how people are struggling with sex with their own spouse, i just give them suggestion about what i have witness in real life and may be they can take advantage of that,tell me what have i done wrong doing it.

Now when somebody said that she have tried everything i just told her other options, that is it i never told her that you do this, i just told her that you (can) do this that it worked for some people.


I never relate myself to you and anyone on this board on having experienced the withdraws of NC,but i just give a suggestion on rebuilding that i have seen people try this and may be it can work for someone here, i never bashed a person because they had an affair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 11-30-2009 - 12:42am

OK first of all you got me way wrong all again.

I never advice someone to have an affair,when someone is trying to get to the spouse that their needs are not being met and spouse ignore it again then that person get frustrated and end up going out of marriage,I only said before going out you should tell your spouse that these things are coming to my mind constantly and warn your spouse to do something before its too late and be serious about it when telling your spouse this.

I never gave any suggestion of open marriage to anyone who wants divorce,that is the first suggestion i gave, and i never gave that suggestion to someone who wants to rebuild.

Tell me when someone tell you that she ended her affair and wants to rebuild but try everything and nothing is working , what would you suggest, I BET you would say divorce and believe me that is the right thing to do after you try everything and not worked, but if that person tell you that she doesn't want divorce and her needs are not being met, what would you suggest. I think she will end up having another affair if living like this,so i suggest rather than affair why not talk to your spouse openly that this is happening and you are not changing so rather have open marriage or change the situation.

Your H invited the third party as threesome and then you and your third wants to have eachother alone and you did the right thing by telling your husband, imagine if you went behind your husband, oh i think you should ask him if you had been doing this behind his back which would hurt him and marriage more.

Its good that you chose otherwise in the end and believe me honesty that you two have will help you more in rebuilding.

My point is open marriage works for some and doesn't work for some but it is still a better choice than cheating.

Having an affair with spouse is wonderful thing and many people do in their own terms whether public sex or not.

About me i have people in my meditation group that have gone through this and share their story with us and that is all i am doing sharing the good advice that i have seen working.

And i am not tempted to have any kind of affair, my sex life with my gf is beyond satisfaction, we learned the tantric sex together and once in a month we have sex for 8 hours and do many more things but that is another story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 11-30-2009 - 1:12am

(long holiday weekend and I'm tired.)

Anything done with integrity, honestly, openly and considerately - by adults who are healthy and conscious enough to weigh the consequences and risks, who love and respect each other.... FINE BY ME. open m? evs. your choice. not up to me to judge.

Expressing opposing opinions on this site? Yo, I want to hear it. Dish it up. But... um... with LOVE.

Giving advice? I always said, "I gave my best parenting advice _before_ I had kids." ya know?, Give advice ONLY if you have some experience, otherwise you're just piping off and nobody on this site has the time or energy for that.

In the meantime... I've still not gotten laid. Can we please get back the the *real* center of the universe, me? ha.

I LOVE that the elders are so active and I LOVE that so many posters are passionate about the integrity of this site. I feel very safe and very loved here. thank you all.

Cheers,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 11-30-2009 - 1:48am

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 11-30-2009 - 5:53am

OK i won't post anything from now on.This was your thread and your board

Just wanted to say that when you gave your best parenting advice before you had kids doesn't mean those advices are not great,who knows may be some followed it and got better situation from it.

Best of luck to you all for your future journey.
May god give all of you strength and will power to end all your problems.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 11-30-2009 - 8:11am
Kristin-
absolutely NO need to apologize for anything you've posted, ever, anywhere. I have read all of your posts on this board and always find you to be focused, helpful, inspiring and kind. I think the direction this thread took was helpful for the board, the the broader sense, and I don't regret it. My snarking was meant to be taken as a lighthearted redirecting, is all.
xo
Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 11-30-2009 - 9:52am

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